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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

18 mo wailing in cot, separation anxiety, advice needed please.

29 replies

crikeybadger · 01/05/2011 19:36

Oh yikes, my lovely DS would go down happily in his cot at around about 7pm.

Out of the blue, for the last four nights, he has been wailing rather traumatically when he has gone down. I left him for a bit whilst I listened to the Archers, but he has just not calmed down.

Previously, I've ended up letting him come downstairs and fall asleep on the sofa as I just can't bear the screaming. DH is away at the moment, and I know that this won't be a popular option on his return, as he values our time together when all 3 DSs go to bed.

I really don't know what to do. When I pick him up, he clings frantically to me (and signals to come downstairs). I seem to remember they have a 18 mo sleep regression but I just don't know whether to just ride it out and bring him down or to be firm and insist he stays in his cot.

Any advice/suggestions would be very much appreciated. I'm feeling rather desperate and on my own.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Galena · 01/05/2011 19:50

When DD was having trouble going to sleep at around 12 months (we'd been rocking to sleep and wanted to change that) I used a type of Pick up/Put down. I didn't necessarily follow the technique religiously as written in the book but adjusted it to work for me. What I did:

Put into bed.
When they start screaming, pick up and hold vertically (head on shoulder, IYSWIM) and pat back till they quiet down.
Once quiet, put into bed.
When they start screaming (even if immediate) pick up again and repeat.
If they are whinging but not screaming, pat back rhythmically in cot.
As they settle, slow down patting/become more gentle.
Once quiet, remove hand but stand by cot.
Once nearly asleep move quietly out of room.

If they start screaming as you put them down, complete the putting down movement then pick up again. (Not sure why this is, but it's stated in the book I believe, so I did it!)
If needed, move back to a previous stage in the process.

The first night or two it may feel like you're going to be there forever (I think we were at 100+ pick ups the first night!) but they very rapidly get the idea. Also, night 4 or 5 they tend to be awful for a night then improve again. Odd, but DD certainly did.

I liked this method because it meant I wasn't just listening to her scream, but I was able to settle her and yet she was still getting the idea of going to sleep on her own. After a few weeks, I found it was a case of put down, walk out of room and return if screaming so I wasn't standing by the cot as she was dropping off - she started falling asleep immediately after I put her down within about 3 days!

Sorry for the mammoth post but I know how awful it is when they won't sleep! Hope this helped (If you managed to reach the end!)

RitaMorgan · 01/05/2011 19:56

I've done a kind of pick-up/put-down with my 9 month old, but just the put-down bit really - every time he stood up in the cot I laid him down again. I didn't leave the room, and eventually he did stop standing up and I just sat next to his cot with my hand on him til he was deeply asleep.

I think the aim basically is to reassure them, but not undermine the fact that it is bedtime and they have to stay in bed - and also not get into any rocking or cuddling to sleep if it isn't necessary.

Original poster

crikeybadger · 01/05/2011 20:00

Thanks Galena for taking the time to write it all down for me.

He has finally I think, gone to sleep nearly an hour after he first went in to his cot.

I suppose I've been kind of doing a version of the PU/PD but with longer gaps (ie. put him down after a cuddle then leave the room for 10 mins). I'll definitely give your way a try. On the plus side he has managed to fall asleep in his cot and not on the sofa.

Phew, think I need a to calm me down.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

Iggly · 01/05/2011 20:03

I wouldn't worry about giving extra cuddles as it will pass. DS is a similar age and I'd just cuddle til drowsy, put down then leave my hand on him til he drifted off. Now he's fine again and I can leave the room when he's awake.

Original poster

crikeybadger · 01/05/2011 20:03

Oh thanks too RitaMorgan

It is all quite upsetting - he has almost been grabbing at me from his cot as if he can't bear for me to leave.

I wonder if anyone has any thoughts about separation anxiety at this age (or does he just fancy a snuggle on the sofa in front of Countryfile?!)

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 01/05/2011 20:14

If he doesn't want you to leave, could you just stay with him until he falls asleep? If separation anxiety is the issue then forcing separations may fuel his anxiety rather than reassure him.

Original poster

crikeybadger · 01/05/2011 20:30

Yes, that was a concern of mine too RitaMorgan.

Glad to hear it will pass Iggly Most things do in the end don't they- it's just hard to remember that when you're in the middle of it!

OP posts:

Galena · 01/05/2011 20:36

My method doesn't force separations though... You're there throughout.

Original poster

crikeybadger · 01/05/2011 20:54

Yes you're right Galena- I was meaning that I was worried about fuelling his anxiety because I hadn't been staying with him previously.

OP posts:

AngelDog · 01/05/2011 20:57

Yes, you remember rightly about the 18 month regression - links here and here and here.

The bad news is that there's a regression around 21 months too and if you're unlucky the two kind of blend into one.

I'd also read that there's often a peak to separation anxiety at around 18 months.

Iggly · 01/05/2011 21:01

Yes that's right crikey, it'll pass! I find as DS gets older there's no point fighting it but don't forget to check it has passed by trying to go back to the original routine every now and then.

Angel my heart has just sunk as I'd forgotten there was another one. We've had the 18 month one and DS is sleeping through (for now). So no merger here but not looking forward to 21 months as I like unbroken sleep

AngelDog · 01/05/2011 21:10

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news! On the plus side, it sounds like he's likely to back to normal relatively easily after the next one. :)

Original poster

crikeybadger · 01/05/2011 21:41

Ah AngelDog, < waves back>.

Thanks for posting those links - I'd hoped you might see my thread being the queen of sleep regression and all things sleep related.

Seriously though - have you thought any more about becoming a sleep consultant. You'd be good at it.

Need another at the thought of possibly three more months of this.

OP posts:

Iggly · 02/05/2011 07:29

I hope so Angel! we were never quite so lucky with the first round or regressions - I think the first 6-9 months was one long blur....! Hope your DS is getting on ok?

AngelDog · 03/05/2011 13:20

Yes, good thanks, Iggly - busy walking & talking. Sleep is all over the place at the moment, but his new 'default baseline' is to wake once for a nappy change when I go to bed, which suits me.

Although taking him out for long walks in the afternoon seems to make him sleep worse, not better.

Iggly · 03/05/2011 18:31

Mmm I had read that too much physical activity in the afternoons was not good. Can't remember where for the life of me I read that!!

Bumpsadaisie · 03/05/2011 18:42

FWIW my DD's sleep went to pot at about 18 months, until about 20 months (sorry!)

She had previously been sleeping well, then at 18 months I had to sit with her for ages and she would wake for mammoth 2-3 hour stretches in the middle of the night. Oh, it was dreadful!

But she snapped out of it after a few weeks - and interesting it was immediately followed by her language explosion. Now she goes to bed really easily and sleeps through too! I think her little brain is now so full of words that she is exhausted.

My bet would be that this is a phase with your DS and you'll just have to ride it out by just staying with him and gradually withdrawing as he drops off etc. as other posters have suggested.

Best of luck - it will get better I am sure. Not much comfort now though, i know!

Original poster

crikeybadger · 03/05/2011 19:16

Thanks for your input Bumpsadasie. DS has started having odd 'turns' in the night now where he wakes and just goes completely berserk. I think he's trying to get downstairs, but it took me ages to calm him down last night. Sigh.

Interesting about the afternoon activity thing Iggly and AngelDog. We often give all three DSs a quick run in the field after their supper- maybe it's too much for him.

OP posts:

AngelDog · 03/05/2011 23:54

I know that physical activity just before bed isn't a very good idea, as it's stimulating rather than soothing.

Original poster

crikeybadger · 04/05/2011 21:42

OK, quick update.

I tried the PU/PD but didn't really get anywhere as he was just too hysterical when I put him down.

Anyway, tonight, I took his mattress out of the cot, put it on the floor surrounded by cushions. Lo and behold, he lay straight down without a fuss, popped his fingers in and settled down to sleep.

I sat next to him for a while and then gradually left the room.

Couldn't quite believe my eyes.

Oh and I knocked the pre bedtime activity on the head too.

Will see how things go tonight.

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 04/05/2011 21:58

Time for a big bed maybe?

Apparently my DP was a terrible sleeper until MIL put him on a mattress on the floor age 12 months - slept 12 hours every night afterwards.

Original poster

crikeybadger · 04/05/2011 22:08

I reckon it might be Rita- he's obviously got used to being in our bed.

I can only dream of a 12 hour stint at night or 6 for that matter.

Fingers crossed.

OP posts:

AngelDog · 04/05/2011 23:01

Here's hoping!

Original poster

crikeybadger · 05/05/2011 12:29

oh, it didn't last.

He woke just as I was going to bed, and had a lovely night snuggled up to me in my bed.

I just keep kidding telling myself that he will grow up superbly confident and grounded as a result of all this co-sleeping.

OP posts:

AngelDog · 05/05/2011 12:31

I read something that said that co-sleeping children were often independent earlier in terms of ability/desire to do things like dress themselves, put on shoes etc. So really you're just saving yourself hassle for years to come.

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