Unconditional parenters - how do you cope with holiday hysteria?

[lecce]

My 4yr old ds has had a very busy week - we've been camping; my bf, who adores him, has been to stay; he's been to the his GPs with dh and finally, my family have visited. I know that's an awful lot going on for one so young, but his behaviour for the last couple of days (when my family were here) was appalling.

He's been so loud, just screaming and shouting far more and far louder than usual; being rough with his little brother, normally a rare occurence; picking up toys and hurling them across the room; eating very little at mealtimes, normally a rare occurence and so on. The worst thing is that when we've tried to calm him down he's just totally ignored us and laughed, made a loud comment about poo or something and run off. He's just been foul, in a nutshell.

The thing is, as the thread title suggests, we are coming from a UP standpoint and none of it seemed to be working. He was so loud and 'wired' there was just no getting through to him, but this is not how he is normally and I do feel sad that my family probably think he's a demon - no one said anything but I know what I'd think if I'd seen that behaviour.

The annoying thing is that as soon as they'd gone, he got some toys out and played with them beautifully - why couldn't he do that when people were here? It was like a switch had been flicked.

Does anyone have any suggstions how I, and he, can cope better with the next visit as this kind of thing always happens, though this occassion was worse than previous visits?

Now that everyone has gone and he's calmed down you could ask him what all the loud behaviour was about. Although he probably will say he doesn't know but it will draw his attention to the fact he had behaved differently and that you had noticed. Next time you have a similar week coming up remind him and talk to him about being a bit calmer for people as they don't really like children being giddy all the time.

It might be that he found all that was going on exciting and he didn't know how to react to the different environment and so was loud to make his presence felt. If he gets over-excited in the future could you or his dad take him out for a walk on his own? That would possibly calm him down.

It could have been his 4yo way of joining in. Maybe arrange things so that he is included a lot of the time and then if you want an adult conversation tell him that you want to talk to xxxxx for a while and then you can do something together again.

I would also mention that if he acts up too much (and explain what you mean by acting up) then people might not want to visit and you might not be able to do certain things. Let him know when he is or has behaved in a way that you like. But check with yourself that you are not expecting him to be more mature in his behaviour than he is capable of at this point.

Just point out to him the behaviour you like and the behaviour that's a bit annoying. Do this kindly (and sometimes with quite firm reminders) and he will get the message, especially as he gets a bit older and matures and begins to understand the situations better.

Well, I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I'm not really a UP-er. I don't really follow any particular parenting method to be honest. I do have a 4 year old DS who would behave in a very similar fashion when over-excited though. I expect I'd have taken a harder line than you - time out in his room or something. And it wouldn't have worked. IMO, when they get into that kind of over-excited frenzy nothing really works, except removing the source of excitement as you found out. He couldn't play nicely with your guests there because he was ridiculously excited by them being there, on top of all the other excitement of the week. I'm not sure what the answer is but you sound from your post like you are beating yourself up a bit, and wondering what your family must be thinking of him. Your DS was just being an excited 4 year old, his behaviour wasn't a reflection on him or you, and if your family love you and know anything about kids then they'll realise that.

I do agree with MrsGravy that your ds was just behaving like the excited 4yo he was:) "and if your family love you and know anything about kids then they'll realise that."

I agree with MrsGravy. They get overexcited at that age. I would have taken him out-not as a punishment-but read him a story, calmed him down and told him that people didn't like it and he could go back if he stopped hurling toys etc.

Thanks everyone.
ds was just behaving like the excited 4yo he was "and if your family love you and know anything about kids then they'll realise that." I suppose I knew that but it is so helpful to see it written down.

My upbringing was very strict and I was often praised for being quiet and it was so often said to be a great thing that that I could be "taken anywhere" without my misbehaving. That is not what I want for my dc and I think my mum has changed her views now too, she certainly doesn't criticise my parenting, or make snooty faces, but we never discuss the differences in our styles. I just get aware that my own approach to parenting is so different to the one practised on me.

Juuule I'll certainly try talking to him beforehand about expectations/strategies next time. I won't expect miracles though! I did tell him that they wouldn't want to visit again if he behaved like that but then I felt guilty because it's like emotional blackmail and it's not really his fault if he's over-excited. Next time I might make the consequences a bit more specific; "Aunt J won't be able to play with you if you shout because you'll give her a headache" type thing, rather than she won't want to see you.

Thanks again, it's really helping me think it through!

"it was so often said to be a great thing that that I could be "taken anywhere" without my misbehaving"

Well, wasn't it a great thing?

Look, he's acting up because he's four. And as soon as everyone had gone, he stopped acting up. He was telling you, in his four year old way, that all these people were making him feel overwhelmed and stressed and that he'd be much more settled when they were gone - and BINGO that's exactly what happened.

If you're not going to tell him how to behave, you need to watch his behavioral cues. End the situation that's making him stressed or take him away from the situation that's making him stressed. It's not nice to leave him to just 'deal with it' when he's only little and doesn't know how.

Well, wasn't it a great thing? For my parents it was, yes, as they could plan a social life that took pretty much no account of the fact that they had a child. I spent a fair bit of time in my childhood feeling lonely, bored and, I don't know, a little repressed - probably not the right word. My parents had their good points but they were not in the least child-centred and, as an only child, this meant for a pretty quiet time for me. I'm not trying to say it was horrific, abusive or anything like that, but I want my dc to have a lot more fun than I did and to be more confident. I think I'm succeeding . I hope I'm not over-compensating, probably am .

It's not nice to leave him to just 'deal with it' when he's only little and doesn't know how. I didn't. As I said, we tried our usual stratagies and they didn't work. I will certainly be more explicit about what's going to happen and what we can all do to help him cope with it next time, though.

Fwiw, we did suggest taking him for a quiet story but that was met with screams! Maybe we should have insisted, I'm not sure it would have worked.

Coming late to this - but does he normally have time with other children his age -eg pre-school or play dates etc and this week he hasn't? As my DS at 4 just needed to burn off energy with other children