3 YEAR OLD REFUSING TO SAY PLEASE & THANK YOU - HELP?

[Shelleys81]

My 3 year old daughter will not say please and thank you to us at all - she has gone on strike from saying it and it has become a power struggle now. We have decided to not give her any treats (biscuit, icecream etc...) without saying it but she just says 'I don't want one then' and would rather not have it than say the 'magic words'. Sometimes she comes across really ignorant and I'm embarrassed in front of other mum's.
I'm not sure what approach to take now?
She isn't rude, she does say 'can I have....?' she just doesn't want to give in and say the words!

my son dont talk but he know to sign thank you maybe you could try that

If my SD doesnt say please or thank you when required we pretend we havent heard her ... when she was little I think she really believed that we couldnt hear if the right words were not used! Now she just knows that we'll ignore her until she asks properly.

When I was little, I went through a stage of being embarrassed/shy of saying please and thank you. I don't know why, I just did! I'm sure it'll soon pass.

Just ignore her until she asks with a 'please' and take it off her if she doesn't say 'thank you' - don't engage with her over it, don't prompt about the 'magic words' or barter with her. Simply ignore & remove.

Oh and if she's embarrassing you, say to the other person 'DD has suddenly started being very rude, she doesn't think it's necessary to say either please or thank you. It's a shame because she's missing out on things, but I'm sure she will be a big girl soon and start asking nicely'....

Please may I offer my opinion?

Please remember 3 is very little. She will learn to say please if you stick with it. Are you remembering to model the behaviour? If she hears you say "I'll have a coffee" she will copy and leave out the please. I don't think it's always necessary to actually say please, it is more to do with the tone of the request.

'Thank you' is easier, just hold on to whatever you are handing over until they say thanks.

FWIW Ours say 'thank you for the meal' before getting down, but I wouldn't object if they said 'could you pass the salad' and didn't say please.

My brother genuinely thinks that making children say please and thank you for food is demeaning. I wonder if there are mnetters who agree?

Thank you for reading

Thanks for all your help and advice.
We say please and thank you constantly (overly so probably) but she still doesn't copy!
We did try being harder and not letting her have anything (other than the essential foods and drinks) or do anything without using manners but then we ended up not going to the park, not reading stories, not playing with toys etc... and I was the only one upset by it as she wasn't bothered!
We've also tried ignoring it and just reminding her what she should say. She would slip up and say please but then get very embarrassed and upset that she'd said it (like it was a bad thing!)
Shall I just keep on and not give her treats unless she says please and thank you? I think I'll tell her that I can't hear her unless she says it properly.
Thanks again.
x

I am with asinine.
Manners do not begin and end with please and thank you.

I have told this story before
Dd and her friend at friends house.

Friends mum has cakes. She puts them on a plate
My dd says
" ooh, they are so beautiful. Can I really have one?"

friend grabs one off the plate and says " I want one pur-lease "

Guess who got told no?

If her manners are good then back off a bit. If her manners are bad then insist that she is polite but I would stop making please and thank you some kind of holy Grail of good behaviour.

That's true - she is such a good girl and is very kind. Always asks if she can do or have something.
When your DD didn't say please but had good manners did you remind her to say please and thank you or just leave it to her?
Thanks again
x

If my dd was polite then I let it go or I echoed back to her gently what would have been better like this

DD : Oh they look lovely , I really would love one of those

Pag : they are lovely paggirl! I think I will ask if I can have one too, please.

If our dcs say "I want a biscuit", I'd say "that's interesting, I'd like a new kitchen" . They will then remember to ask nicely.

Or "I can't find my coat", I say 'I can't speak Chinese, would you like some help?" it encourages them to ask for help, rather than complaining and hoping for sympathy.