How to help DD (aged four).

[LilRedWG]

A bit of background as I don't want to leave anything pertinent out.

DD is almost five and has just become big sister to her first (and only one she's ever going to get) sibling - DS is 11 weeks.

When DS was a few weeks old DD went for a long weekend at CenterParcs with GPs and Aunt/Uncle/Cousin. She was told that she should only go if she wanted to and that if at any point she wanted to come home she could. We wanted her to feel that it was a treat and not that she was being shipped off - it was planned several months before DS was born and she was very excited to go.

DD is having speech therapy for slightly delayed speech - her pronunciation isn't the best and the other children at school have just started commenting on it. No bullying as yet, as far as I know, just asking questions. School have been made aware.

She is very popular at school and has a reputation as being a very kind, thoughtful girl. The only problem with this is that she feels that if someone asks her to play she has to stop what she is doing and play with them, even if she's in the middle of a game she is loving. As a result she has told me it "spoils my game".

Right, now the problem. As you can see she has a fair bit going on at the moment and until a couple of months ago she was coping brilliantly.

She went to CP for the weekend a happy little girl but since she came back she has been very clingy, particularly to me and her little brother, and a few days after she came home she told me that she had missed DS and I, "too much". :( When questioned she insisted that she had a lovely time and is glad she went but that she missed me. She is also very teary and clingy on being dropped off at school although as soon as I or DH have gone she brightens right up, just says that she misses us and DS to the teachers, then wipes her tears and carrys on.

She has told me a few times recently that the children at school ask why she doesn't speak like them and ask why she doesn't speak English and what language she is speaking. :( She has said that it is no-one in particular but that all of her friends ask. I have told her to explain that is because her ears didn't used to work but that now she has had them fixed her speech is getting better (she had grommits fitted and adenoids removed in November).

And then last night she was in tears, saying that she didn't want to go to school because she never knew who to play with and she always had to chose and everyone wanted her. This may seem like a nice problem, being so popular, but it is upsetting DD.

If you have got this far, thank you. Any advice on how to help DD settle and cope will be very gratefully received. The school have offered a chat with the SENCO for some advice on coping with a new sibling, which I will probably take up in the very near future.

In the meantime, I'd love some MN advice.

Thanks.

Wow - that's a HUGE post!

Anyone, please?

(Yes, I know I'm being impatient and most probably PFB, but she's my baby dammit and I want to make everything right for her). (wink)

OK, this doesn't seem like your dd has an issue with having a new sibling, although at her age it really is difficult to tell.

She needs to understand that she can play with who SHE wants to and if she is really enjoying a game, that she should invite them to join in, rather than stop playing a game she is enjoying.

She sounds like such a loving, caring little girl and this is all good, but she needs to take care of her too.
She sounds very much like my dd, she has fun when with gp but misses me and daddy too much

Thanks SaintBelle.

I said all of that to her last night and she said, "But when I'm at school I always forget what you and Daddy said", so I said that she just had to remember to have fun and to be kind when saying no to people. She took an elephant finger puppet in her bookbag to remind her (elephants never forget :)) but this afternoon said that she forgot he was there, bless her.

She has a street party at school tomorrow for the Royal wedding and parents are invited for half an hour. I'm dreading it as I know when it is time for me to leave she will be hysterical.

it's ok. she's still very little.

try not to dismiss her feelings or reassure her eg, when she said she forgot what you and her dad said, you could have said - oh that must be annoying for you - how can we help you remember? and then wait for her to suggest something.

imaginge if you'd had a bad/annoying sort of day and the person you were talking to about it kept trying to cheer you up and tell you it wasn't that bad.

life is not perfect for anyone or our children. imho the way forward through it is to try and accept ourselves and our feelings, even if those feelings are sometimes negative. don't be afraid of how she feels or who she is.

I think doing some work with her on 'What makes a good friend' may help.

You can draw around her and make a life-sized collage together of a 'good friend' to start, and then explore which attributes a good friend has (kind, patient, helpful etc.)

You can then start to use pictures to explore situations she encounters and ask 'what does a good friend do?', modelling good answers (there is not always one right answer), so that she knows not only what she should do to be a good friend, but how to work out who else is a good friend. It's very important that she understands that she doesn't have to like or be friends with everyone.

Social stories, although usually for children with autism are really helpful IME- google 'social stories, good friend/saying no etc' and there are loads of useful resources, although many are from the US.

Bless her!
Try drawing an elephant on her thumb? (kids love this)
Keep telling her and getting her to repeat it to you, this does help (ex primary teacher )
She will be fine once you have gone, promise a treat? this may calm her down (trip to the park/ice cream) if you are really worried phone the school, they will phone you when she has calmed down.
Sounds like you ARE making everything right for her, but when they go to school, we need to give them the tools to sort some things for themselves. I'm not looking forward to this at all.

Thank you all for some great ideas. Off to trawl the net for social stories now and may take a trip to the library on Saturday too. The elephant on the thumb is inspired too. :)