2 year old bully

[Beckscott]

Hi,
I have a little boy who will be 2 next month and I am having awful problems with him pushing/hitting other children. It tends to be when we are inside rather than outside and when there are other children competing for space/toys etc. I have tried most ways of trying to deal with it but nothing seems to be working. The only way I get a response is if I make a big fuss and pick the injured child up and then he becomes inconsolable. However, it is difficult to know what to do when this happens and it is to a child whom you don't know and whose parents you have never met because you can't very well go to those kids and just pick them up! Also, you have to pick them up out of reach otherwise my child will continue to smack both the child and then me! I am also planning on sending him to Nursery or pre-school and leaving him just for a couple of sessions a week to start with to see if this helps. Has anyone had any experience of doing this and seen a change in their child?
Any help would be so, so, so much appreciated.
Thanks
Becky

Honestly, this is what two year olds do. They aren't bullies, they just want what they want and have a very limited capacity to control their impulses. Competing for toys is totally normal. Don't you see other children doing it back? My only real advice is to watch, intercept, distract and say 'no'. He will catch on eventually, usually as their language gets better and their brains develop more. You may have to physically remove him from the other child if he looks as if he is going to hit, and/or distract him by offering another toy/activity to play with. It does get better. I did read that human beings are more violent at two than at any other stage in their lives - it really is a matter of brain development.

I can only agree with what Aloha has written. I am the mother of a little 2 year-old "bully" myself and it's just the way some of them are at that age. My ds started biting and hitting other children (and us and dd) when he was around 16 months. He has just gone 2, and the hitting and biting seems to decrease. We went through a stage where we didn't even invite other children to our house as he got hysterical having to share his toys and his guests would always leave with bruises We used the same techniques as you describe yourself. We said firmly "no", took him away from the situation and made a fuss over the other child while ignoring him. I know his nursery did the same. I never really had this problem in the playground though, as he seemed okey when the toys were not "his". I often see parents making a big fuss over sharing of toys. I think it is really important that they learn to share, but I do look at the situation. My ds never took a toy from another child unless it was "his" toy. Therefore, if it was his toy, I would let him take the toy back and give another toy to the other child instead. I still do. I think it is important for them to learn to share, but often it can be quite traumatic to see soemone else hold your toy when he has just about learnt that the toy belongs to him. They go through a phase of feeling very strongly about their property and I think we should try to respect that too. My ds has now naturally passed that stage and has now started to take pride in sharing. You will often find that it is more traumatic for your child if you insist on the other child having one of his favourite toys, than it is for the other child to get a substitute toy.

I think your idea about sending him to nursery is good. I am sure my kids learnt a lot of their social skills in their nursery. Although I don't want to give the impression that I don't take responsibility for my child's upbringing, I have definately felt more relaxed about both my children as I know they learn to function with other children in their nursery. I do feel for you. I think I worried more when my dd went through the same stage as she was my first child. As a second time mum I have seen once before that this is a stage many children go through and grow out of.

I thought, and still think, the worst part is parents who don't understand and think your child is a thug for "attacking" their little angel. Your best bet is to overlook them. One of my friends kept telling me how she was worried about my ds behaviour as he had pushed her dd around on several occasions. Her dd was 7 months younger than my ds and of course never did anything wrong. It used to really irriate me, until one day when her dd was around 18 months she suddenly turned into little Miss Vampire and put her little teeth into my ds in the playground. Ha! I was so smug! Now she can worry about her own dd for a while:0

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my 'angel' behaves in such a similar fashion. until reading these messages i thought it was only mine that was so tempramental. reading your experiences makes me feel like a normal mum again, as its so easy to blame yourself. thanks.

So totally agree with Fairymum about sharing. Yes, sharing as an abstract concept is a good idea.. BUT... would you be totally happy about a friend coming into your house and trying on your clothes, taking your books and trying on your lipstick without permission? It amazes me that we expect stuff from a primitively wired two year old that we would never accept ourselves. I get prickly if someone on the bus asks to read the newspaper I have clearly finished with, so don't expect my son to give up his toys without a fight to comparative strangers. I don't let him hit or bite them, but I do let him keep his things and do as Fairymum does, wich is to offer them something else. We expect our children to be nicer, eat better and achieve more than we ever have sometimes IMO and it isn't really fair!

ps. beckscott try not to worry too much, the more you speak to other mums you will find its more common than you realise and frustrating as it is, i hope and pray its just a phase. dont be too hard on the little one, as others will be at it soon (such a relief when they start!!!!i have had similar smugness to fairymum!!)
pps the idea of nursery is positive, but only if you do it coz its what you and your little one need and want. Children pick up many good habits there - but a few bad ones too!!!!!!!!!