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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How long will your toddler/pre-schooler amuse themselves?

17 replies

PiaThreeTimes · 25/04/2011 12:08

DD is three years old in a month's time, and she seems totally incapable of amusing herself. It's very frustrating.

She has plenty of toys, and a good variety, but she seems unwilling and unable to play with the majority of them, and alone.

It's tiring and frankly very boring!

She's fine at playgroups etc, where there are other children to play with. Her play tends to be running around and climbing etc, rather than playing with toys.

Am I expecting too much? How long should a three year old to be able to play alone?

Thanks.

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PandaNot · 25/04/2011 12:36

My 3 year old dd will amuse herself for hours but my ds, now 6, could only manage a few minutes without needing a playmate, so I know that tiring and bored feeling! Do you have enough outdoor space to let her play outside, if she prefers running and climbing? Some children just prefer that kind of physical play, especially little dc, and they just aren't ready to concentrate for long periods on more sedentary activities.

What I did find was that the more we played with ds, the more he demanded that attention and that sometimes we did need to say "Mummy/Daddy has a job to do, I'll come back soon" and just let him get on. I was much better at being able to do this than DH was and even now DS will always 'pester' Daddy to play with him much more than he does with me. (We do play with our dc sometimes though!)

Original poster

PiaThreeTimes · 25/04/2011 12:41

We have a large garden, with slide, swing, climbing, sandpit, trampoline and other toys. She won't do any of it on her own! It's like having a baby as she whines if she has nobody to play with (her sibling is older and is at college away from home).

If I have to leave her for a couple of mins, I have to explain that I MUST go for and will be back shortly. Cue whining.

I think you're right - I need to actually ignore her for a little while until she learns to play. It seems a shame that it doesn't just come naturally to her.

Thanks for your reply. :)

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MamaVoo · 25/04/2011 12:50

DS is coming up to 3.5 and sounds a lot like your DD. He has got a bit better at amusing himself in the last few months. I think you have to ignore them a bit to get them looking for ways to amuse themselves. I discovered this when I was reading a book that I just couldn't put down and so told DS that if he could play by himself for a little while and let mummy read, then we would do games/cars/playdoh/whatever together. Don't expect too much to begin with, a few minutes occasionally throughout the day, and if that seems to work then you can try getting her to amuse herself for longer periods.

BornToYolk · 25/04/2011 12:53

DS is 3.5 and has only recently been able to play by himself for any length of time (i.e. longer than 2 mins!) It is exhausting and I feel for you.
It just came with age, I think. He began to get more interested in things like colouring and will sit and do it for a while. He's also got better at role play type games with toys.
He's usually OK if I set him up with something, say I've got to go and do XYZ and then go back to him when I'm done. Sometimes he'll whinge but I stick to what I said would happen, for example I need to wash up, when I'm finished we'll play Hungry Hippos. Then I wash up and we play, regardless of what happens while I'm doing it! I do usually need to set up with something rather than say "go and play" as he'll just wander aimlessly and start whinging if I do that! Although sometimes he is just happy to potter around and find things to amuse himself with. If he does that, I leave him to it and then give him a ton of praise for playing nicely by himself.

Original poster

PiaThreeTimes · 25/04/2011 13:06

Thanks all for your replies.

I've just been trying to cook some pasta for lunch and we had full-on melt-down. I ended up putting on the telly, as it's the only way to 'get her off my case' for a few mins.

I hate having to phrase it like this, but I'm at the end of my tether!

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Tgger · 25/04/2011 18:53

I think some are a lot more demanding than others, but I also think it's partly what they get used to.

My DD, almost 2.5 is generally very good at amusing herself and can play for quite some time with dolls/teddies/puzzles/toy kitchen etc. My son was not so good at this age but has gradually got better- he's now 4.5. Sometimes he is still very demanding tho .

Have you tried playing with her for 15-30 minutes and then having her beside you where she can play while you do something else? Apart from playgroup is she better if you have a playdate with another Mummy and toddler? My DD is the most demanding when there are just the 2 of us around. When DS is around, or another Mum and toddler she'll normally get on with stuff.

TurtlesAreRetroRight · 25/04/2011 18:56

Some of it's personality. DD is very independent and will self amuse for hours. I have to force myself on her. But she likes her own space and constructs elaborate games that I don't play right and subsequently have to be told off and sent to get on with things elsewhere. She is currently building a traintrack from the dining room to the front room and shipping her toys out to Mongolia in batches. Except the train derails a lot or people have to get off for important meetings and it's taking a while. She's been at it for about an hour and a half.

BsshBossh · 26/04/2011 09:05

Ignoring works well and DD learned the phrase "I'm busy at the moment" very early on. She's very good now (2.9yrs), at playing by herself. I'm able to read all the weekend papers in peace . To be honest, I'm not very good at "playing" but much prefer chatting with her so I often knit while she plays and we chat. It's lovely. But as I said, she learned to play well by herself because I didn't play with her whenever she asked. (Don't get me wrong, I do play with her but not all the time).

kreecherlivesupstairs · 26/04/2011 09:16

My lovely 9.11 DD has never played well on her own. She seemed incapable of amusing herself and drove me to dementia. I don't know if it is because she is an only child but has always adored the company of other children or, at a push, an adult.
She is pretty much self entertaining now. As long as she has a book she is happy.

BornToYolk · 26/04/2011 11:53

"She is pretty much self entertaining now. As long as she has a book she is happy."

Oh, I can't wait until DS can read!

Mind you, he's currently running round the garden singing and bouncing a ball and has been for the last 10 mins or so. Yay!

fartingfran · 26/04/2011 12:03

What about giving her her own patch in the garden? Mine's a little bit older but loves nothing more than digging the soil for worms, planting rice seeds and watering it over and over. Bliss!

dikkertjedap · 26/04/2011 12:23

I think it is a skill they have to learn but for some it is easier than for others depending on their personality. I would start with teaching her to concentrate by doing jigsaw puzzles together and making drawings (initially maybe together but then on her own). My dd was a huge Thomas fan and loved playing with wooden railways (we built it together with her and she then played out the stories often whilst listening to a Thomas CD), so maybe that is something to try. I think that if you can help her to develop this skill it would not only be good for you but in the long-run also for your dd as it will help concentrating at school.

Original poster

PiaThreeTimes · 26/04/2011 12:34

Thanks all, for your replies.

Reading the Sunday paper - bliss!

Strangely, DD does seem to have good concentration skills. For example, during storytime at the library she's the only child who can/will sit still and be concentrate for the half an hour or so. She's very good at listening and following instructions at a 45 min music group too, when others start to become restless.

I just wish she's pick up a toy and play, alone, at home, for more than two minutes, dammit!

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fartingfran · 26/04/2011 12:47

Just another suggestion - don't have too many toys on offer. Sort through them and put a selection into a box to store. Then in a month or two bring it out and swap it for some others. Novelty seems to help keep their interest.

Original poster

PiaThreeTimes · 26/04/2011 12:58

Yep, I do that. I notice that if too many toys are out DD's overwhelmed by them and doesn't play at all.

Maybe I just have a very high-maintenance child. Ugh. She was a nightmare baby and a stroppy, demanding toddler. I can't wait for the teenage years!

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BsshBossh · 26/04/2011 13:25

Yes, I used to do toy rotation a lot when DD was younger - worked a treat. She thought the toys were new and spent ages completely immersed in them.

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 26/04/2011 13:32

i think they just know how far they can push you, my DS is 2yo and can't play on his own in my house for any length of thime at all even to watch a cartoon he insists you sit next to him to watch it.

when he is at any other house/ in the park/garden whatever i can go for an hour or more without him approaching me or anyone else, i think they just get bored in their own house.

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