3.6 year old meltdown tantrums - please tell me this is a phase ....

[sheeplikessleep]

DS1 is 3.6 and 90% of the time, a lovely, caring, thoughtful and fun loving little boy, who enjoys life and spending time with others. He seems so laid back, co-operates well with other children and loves having fun, going to the park, reading books etc etc ... all the things kids love I guess. He is also very affectionate. He's behind language wise, but in the last couple of months, this has come on massively and he's speaking in sentences now.

BUT, he still has these massive, uncontrollable and very upsetting (for him) tantrums. They're triggered when he is tired (which he seems to be a lot) and overexcited. But, we've had about 3 in the last week and I just feel for him. When he is in the middle of a tantrum, he cannot and won't listen (I have to tell myself he can't be reasoned with, as I get so frustrated that he just doesn't listen, or moreoften, doesn't hear), ignores us, starts kicking and lashing out when we are trying to do something (like putting him in his car seat). It is so upsetting for him and so upsetting for us to see and I feel so bad that I cannot pacify him in any way. He either needs to be left alone, given a cuddle (which I worry sends mixed messages, but it's almost like he needs reassurance really to pull him out of this trance) or we physically just have to put him in car seat, for example.

I guess I sort of thought he'd have grown out of these by now, or at least, be able to be reasoned with. Is this behaviour unusual? DH has mentioned the ADHD thing, because his tantrums are filled with so much rage. BUT, he is fine at reading and listening to stories, able to sit still etc, so I don't think it's this.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated, because it feels like it's been a hard few days in particular! Thanks

Get a book called raising a spirited child, it is helpful and non-judgemental. I got mine from Amazon. It is not just you. My ds2 is very similar. He seems to be settling down but it has been alot of hard work. Recently he fell out of the front door and landed on his head to prove to me he couldn't put his coat on. He can. On his 3rd birthday I wanted him to cover his legs in the pushchair because it was cold and his tantrum was so bad he snapped the back of his pushchair. The screaming lasted all day. Once in this state they cannot get themselves out of it alone and the book will teach you is how to teach them to handle their emotions themselves. He is probably very bright and gets frustrated by the capabilities of his little body and his age. This book will reassure you. If it was adhd it would be all the time. Although to be quite honest by ds2 felt like all the time! None of my friends understood. They would say "Oh, just make him stand in the corner when he tantrums." Yeah right! You must get the book.

oh spanky, thank you. i so agree with you about them getting in a state they can't get themselves out of it. that' exactly how it feels, that he just sees red and nothing and no one (bribery, reasoning, discipline, ignoring) seems to work. sometimes it feels like we are walking on eggshells. spirited seems odd though, because most of the time, he responds so well to requests, when he is being encouraged. he had his pre-school jabs last week and we talked to him about it before (in the morning, when he is most responsive) and he was fine for those, very co-operative.

but other times (when he is tired and overwhelmed i guess) he just gets so mad at requests that he wouldn't blink an eye at, at other times, that he can't control his emotions. hopefully he will learn how to deal with recognising and responding to his feelings in time.

i will look that book up. thank you. it feels like i need to be doing something constructive. tbh, i find it hard to keep rational and objective about it all, because i can see he is just so overwhelmed with his feelings and i want to help him recognise them.

thank you for posting, i'm going onto amazon now. thank you

Its a phase i assure you, i have three ds, both older boys were prone to huge tantrums, is he at nursery? I only ask because my both my ds got distressed at nursery when they began talking about them moving up to reception? it will improve, i am a jo frost fan, firm but fair and from my experience it works, totally understand when you say you don't like to see them get worked up, but expressing their emotions is good for them, xx#

it's reassuring to hear that your ds's have calmed down quite a bit and were prone, rather than are prone, shows this will reduce with time!

he does go to nursery, started in january and loves it totally, but tbh, i think the constant on-the-go there does tire him out. he only goes 2 days a week, but still needs to need some daytime naps on his off days. he sometimes sleeps for 2 - 3 hours at home during the day. he sleeps 11 hours at night.

he hasn't had any reception talk yet, he is 4 in october, so going to school next september. i'm glad he wasn't born a few weeks earlier, as i don't feel he is by any stretch ready yet.

thanks for posting.

We get these sometimes. TBH I can usually look back with hindsight and see a way in which I could have avoided it.

For me a lot of it comes down to accepting that just because he's been putting his own coat on for a year doesn't mean it's worth having a fight over it if one day he refuses. Chances are he's feeling tired and emotional and it will not end well!

I also would say you sometimes get phases where everything is very difficult for a while, you don't know why, then it passes and they're suddenly an inch taller. Weird but we've noticed this a few times.

fartingfran - i totally knew mid-afternoon today when he went all withdrawn and tired, but refused to nap. an hour later, and we were in full on meltdown. we should have left when he looked tired.

My DS is 3.4, and he sometimes goes into one and there's no reasoning with him at all. Usually when he's tired or over excited as you say. I think that it's normal and also pretty common, but sometimes, I don't know the best way to deal with it either. I tend to send him to his bedroom or tell him to sit somewhere quiet for a few minutes until he calms down. 9/10 times he does just calm down in about 5 minutes, but I don't know if I'm doing this parenting malarky right or not. :)

MY DD used to do this. I work with children and loads of them do it dont worry its just a stage.

Very reassuring thank you all for posting. I do leave him to his own devices when we are at home, it's just often he throws them when we are out and to physically get him somewhere now is quite hard, as he's very strong. Hopefully he'll grow out of this stage, by the time he is actually physically stronger than me!