Help! 20 month old toddler and a newborn. Yikes.

[InspectorGadget]

I have a 4 week old baby and a 20 month old, my toddlers has always been a challenging boy.... just usual toddler stuff really, but with a bit of extra zing! Like he needs one of his batteries removed just to go at a more normal pace.

His bahviour has deteriorated considerably since arrival of baby, to be expected of course, he is only a baby himself. Sleep deprivation makes it really really hard to know how to deal with some of these bahviours, we are utterly exhausted.

The main flash point seems to be when I am breasfeeding the baby. This is when my sons behaviour is at its worst. He comes over and tries to sit next to me and gets rouigh with the baby........ pulls her feet, tried to kiss/headbut her, kick her etc etc. I don't think its jealousy as such as he's probably too young to have that as an emotion and actually is very fond of his sister and likes to kiss and hug her gently at other times. I think it's more that he knows I am unable to deal with him at that time.

I usually put the baby down in the moses basket and take him off to the other sofa and 'have a word' about when mummy says no she means no and he is not to be rough with the baby etc but it has no effect whatsoever. As soon as I start feeding again he is back trying again. And so I repeat but feel self losing plot each time it happens and eventually I snap and end up roaring at him or worse. :(

Am at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with this better. I realise I am giving him negative attention which he is enjoying and therefor he is coming back for more each time, but I jsut can't see how I am supposed to feed the baby without sidelineing him in some way. I have tried letting him sit next to me whilst feeding and reading him his favourite book and singing his favourite songs etc to no avail at all.

He's such a willful wee boy, he is like a force of nature and there's no stopping him. Have feared for the baby's safety on more than one occasion, and have feared for his safety once when I lost the plot entirely.

Someone please tell me this gets better. Any tips from those who have bought the t shirt would be most appreciated.

Also any tips for dealing with general tantrums which we get an awful lot of. Basically whenever we say no to him he goes mad with rage, throws himself on floor, puts fist in mouth and bites it, hits self on head repeatedly and screams blue murder.

He was such a happy wee soul, and still is sometimes and I feel fucking awful for putting him throuhg all this. He is too young to understand any of it.

TIA and aplogies for the rant.

Ahhh all very normal
.Big hug to you.You must be exhausted.
It does get better but not for a while.In my experience (4 dc)
You ds just needs as much love as you can give him.Try not to get cross with him ,as you say "he is only a baby himself" sometimes when they have tantrums they just can't help themselves.I sometimes remind mine that they can stop and would they like a cuddle? a tantrum is scarey for a 20 month old.Try and distract him when you see the tantrum comming "wow look at that plane in the sky lets go and see"My dc always have tantrums when their blood sugar is low.So it is a sign to me that they need some food.
I could never leave my older child with the baby without me being there as they might of killed them with love,dropped them,fed them toast etc. etc.
So don't leave the baby unattended this will pass but not for a while.(my dc all have great relationships with each other now!)
Is there anyone eles around that can help your ds when you are feeding the baby?
TV?,a few new toys at the ready,fill some bags with interesting things for him to play with,give him a snack,put him in the shower or bath and feed the baby there.
I hope that this is useful.Come back to me if you want.It will pass and I am sure they will be very close and have years of fun together but at the moment you have 2 adorable little cubs to look after.Make sure someone gives you the rest/timeout that you need because when you are fresh you will be able to manage the situation much better. x

Big empathy! Have 6 week old ds3 and other two are 3.6 and 2.2 so know what it's like. It will get easier!

I found with the older two where there is a 17 month gap that I needed to include the older one by getting him to "help" I.e get baby a nappy/wet wipe/muslin etc

Also helped to have lots of peppa pig sky plussed!!!

Also he could have a little cup of milk whilst baby has his?

At the moment my 2 year old is so loving to baby thatvhe doesnt realize it can be a bit rough and it's hard ton"tell him off" as in his mind he is actually being nice!

It will get better!

I have a 5 month old and a 2.2 old so v similar age gap.

This won't go down well with some but we had exactly the same problem until we hit on the fact that DD1 obsessively loved 'Finding Nemo' the film and would sit nicely next to me while I fed DD2 if it was on. This meant, of course, that it was on an awful lot but needs must, I reckon. I felt a bit guilty but she eventually went off it and at the same time stopped being so interfering about DD2's feeding.

So, can you find a DVD he will like? Try 'Toy Story'. Sorry for such a telly related piece of advice! But this particular prob will get better I promise.

As for the tantrum advice - I watch with interest!!

Oh poor you, you must be exhausted!

Have to say i agree with everything fidelma has said.

There was only 16 months between my dc no. 2 and 3, and the feeding was very hard work, trying to breastfeed one while bottle feeding the other! So maybe that's an idea, make it his snack time too! Try and get something nice in a bowl, in pieces so it takes a while to eat! My Dc no.3 still gets very grumpy when he's hungry although he doesn't see it, and his mood improves greatly when he's eaten! And he's nearly nine!

As far as temper tantrums go dc no. 2 used to have a few, and I found that in the end, as long as I knew he was safe, I would leave him to it, more often than not he would fall asleep, underneath a chair, or behind the sofa! I would give him lots of cuddles and something to eat and drink as soon as he woke up, I did initially try to comfort distract him but that often made it worse. Of course I did feel really bad leaving him to it but that's what worked for us in the end.

Having two so close together was hard work and exhaustion doesn't help when your trying to be patient, believe me ive shouted a lot too, but it will pass, and it'll pass in a blur!! We've just had baby no. 5, but having the no. 2 and 3 so close still sticks in my mind as such hard work, but it will get easier, unfortunately it just does take a while!

Good luck x

Have been there and am now 18 months down the line and it gets sooo much better.

Loads of sympathy to you, you sound like you are doing great. Remember that your DS won't remember this, and he will benefit loads from having a sib - he sounds like he will be a great big brother.

For feeds I think lots of different strategies. I used to try & get to playgroup almost every day and do a feed there while he was distracted. Also timing feeds with his meal or snack time. Also feeding in a sling so you can move around if necessary/ get toys for him etc - may not work with a 4 weeker but sometime. Also more cbeebies than was good for him. Sounds like you need to change things anyway as he sees it as you sit down on sofa with baby = time for him to play up. I realise all you prob want to do is chill on the sofa for a nice long feed but ime it sadly didn't work like that for no. 2.

Don't worry, you'll get through it and just wait....soon baby will be smiling and laughing, saving the biggest grins and giggles for your DS and they will be interacting together and you will just melt - there's nothing like watching them bond.