Please help me learn how to deal with my almost 2 year olds tantrums

[CharlieBoo]

DD will be two at the end of May....in the last few weeks her tantrums are just getting harder and harder to manage. It can start on the tiniest thing...i.e she wants to out her shoes on, no help at all. This ends in complete frustration if she can't do it and a tantrum if I help. Today there were so many flare ups I'm exhausted...I threaten the naughty step but when I did put her on it she got so upset and took me so long to calm her down.

My ds just didn't tantrum, I was lucky. DD is just so independent and strong willed, its hard work. Any tips gratefully received.

I have a very independant little lady here too and her frustration is mounting!!

I carry on regardless with tasks- I would have just put her shoes on for her in your situation. I encourage her to use words to say what is wrong and tell her I understand she is upset. I offer a cuddle as an alternative when she is in meltdown as there is no point in going on at her when she is overwhelmed. I ignore the 'sillies' and leave her to it- just let her have a tantrum and carry on. I try to watch out for signs and distract before things get fraught. I am careful not to push too hard when she is very tired. I NEVER change my mind on a 'no' as it encourages tantrums to get her own way.

HTH

I know what you mean about strong willed toddlers who don't want any help and then get frustrated when they can't succeed on their own. You could try lightening the situation when it looks like it might lead to a meltdown. Eg with the shoes maybe let her try and do it herself for as long as you can bear and when its too annoying you could pretend to be struggling with your own shoes and ask her to do your shoes and then offer to do hers in return. That way she has still "done shoes" just not her own - as yours are bigger (and you could pick some relatively easy ones like slip ons) she may have better luck. It would boost her confidence because she'd be able to succeed in something. I read that tantrums are to do with feelings of powerlessness so I think where ever possible distraction and lightening the mood and if possible allowing them to have an opportunity to succeed can work better than punishing the tantrum. Having said that i totally sympathise with the exasperation that comes when you know your DC is blatantly not going to be able to do it but insists on trying anyway. AAAGH!

Thanks for the replies... I do try and distract but sometimes it doesn't work. I think I agree I need to ignore where I can, my friend said the other day I give into her too easily! She wants my time as much as anything, hates me helping ds with anything. Won't let me feed her, wants to dress herself, I'm worn out!

At that age, they are sometimes overtaken by the rage and frustration - they cant control it and thats why distraction doesnt always work. I found that once the tantrum was underway the best thing was just to step back and wait (however long it took!) until it burnt itself out a bit then have a cuddle and see if we could resolve the issue together.

Agree with MamaChoo. "Naughty" step doesn't work at this age. They just don't get it, and often makes them even more upset as they can't actually control their rage. Distraction may work, but often doesn't if they're already too worked up.

You've just got to ignore as much as you can and be there to cuddle and talk when they've calmed down. In a public place like a shop I often took DD outside until she'd calmed down, or strapped her into her buggy to scream and thrash whilst I ignored her as much as possible.

You have my sympathy OP my DD was awful throughout her 2's. I had started to avoid going out in public she was so bad :( But you'll be glad to hear she got a lot better once she'd turned 3.

Hi,
If it's any consolation I think this can be the worst age- they are trying to be independent but don't have the skills or the words to either do it or express themselves.

My DD was similar at this age- she still tantrums a fair bit at 2.5 but her talking is a lot better and she can do a lot more (like her own shoes) so less frustration.

I think you have to do a lot, that is A LOT of ignoring at this age and they slowly get the message it doesn't help, but also they start to be able to control their behaviour a bit more and to learn the rules- they are just starting to be independent and they have to learn the boundaries and pushing them is the only way to find out.

I wouldn't bother with the naughty step- I know some do- but I think they are too young and/or it's far too exhausting emotionally as a parent to do it at this age.

Main tips are keep calm yourself and stick to your guns. Offer cuddles, but ignore most stuff and for any really bad stuff just remove toddler from situation, keep yourself in sight but walk away.

I agree with others that it is a bit too young for the naughty step. My DD1 had unbelievably violent tantrums at this age and I simply did not know how to deal with her. It got to the stage where DH and I were beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with her. The slightest thing would set her off and she would scream and kick and bang her head on the floor etc etc. I handled it pretty badly. Anyway, she's now an utterly delightful 6 yr old. DD2 didn't do tantrums. DS (2 earlier this month) is exactly the same as DD1 and his tantrums are legendary. I am much better at dealing with it this time around. Sometimes tickling and a kiss / distraction at just the right moment will beak him out of it. Often not. If not then ignoring it is basically the only option, if he is safe enough where he is I let him get on with it. If not I might put him somewhere safe (e.g. his cot if at home). I can usually tell from the sound when he starts to wind down and then pick him up, cuddle, kiss and go right back to exactly what we were doing 10 mins earlier (e.g. putting on shoes) as if it had all never happened. No comments about the tantrum, no reasoning or recriminations, no threats or bribes. Reason and punishment are tools for older children. ALWAYS leave much more time than you need for stuff (e.g. getting out of the house).

The other day in a shop I literally had to stand next to him as he writhed around on the floor screaming blue murder as I wouldn't let him pull apart a display of Easter eggs (WHY do shops put such things at toddler level??????). He tried to kick and bite me when I tried to pick him up to take him back to the car and as I had quite a few bags and DD2 with me and wasn't in the mood for a wrestling match I just stood next to him for about 5 mins and waited. Once the rage had dissipated he sobbed in my arms, had a kiss and a cuddle and we carried on shopping. I got a few funny looks from other shoppers and many wry comments of 'almost two is he?' from others who had no doubt lived through similar experiences!

FWIW, I think the tantrums are worse under 2 as well. DS1 had 1 aged about 20m, he looked so funny, I laughed and he never did it again (!)
DD2 indulged in a few prior to her 2nd birthday, we had 1 week where everything was exatly as you describe. Then she got over it and will stamp her foot to try and get waht she wants, but no full-on wobblers. So hang in there!
I agree that naughty step doesn't work until at least 2, and we only use it for hurting others. Earplugs and a lot of ignoring.

I come onto MN now and then, usually when I'm reaching the end of my tether about something (!), and I love that I rarely need to start a thread because my thread title is already there :)

Another 20 month-er here. DS has been a pretty chilled out baby but he is currently refining his tantrum skills. Most notable so far - 40 minute screaming fit on airplane, partly he was tired, possibly his ears were popping (refused any food/drink so not much we could do there), but mostly he had been enjoying mooching up and down the aisle, doing his squinty wink thing at the ladies and bizarrely, one old man in a tracksuit, and was p*ssed off that we had to sit still for landing.

This morning was just weird... I think it was mostly tiredness as he woke very early. He wouldn't go back to sleep, and we were aiming to perfect the ignoring technique, but he spent 3 1/2 hours at various degrees of misery (anywhere between whimpering and full on shouting) and kept slithering to the floor and crying if I tried to cuddle/distract/feed him/etc etc. Like Nelly said, I was beginning to worry there was something wrong with him, but once we went out he was fine.

I have to give him some credit for stamina, I suppose. I really need to get better at handling them :S

Hey thanks again for the replies....things aren't improving I'm afraid, getting worse if anything. We went cold turkey with her dummy almost 2 weeks ago and this has intensified things. It just feels like she's crying or moaning ALL day....getting a bit much to be honest. Todat dp was home and really saw her in all her glory at the shops and a half hour tantrum on the way home as she didn't want to sit in her car seat....

Am just ignoring atm, see if that makes a difference, its just so exhausting and I'm counting the hours down in the day until bedtime....

Phew. I need my OH to read this. We've just had a full on day with our just turned 2 year old. He really went to town today. Woke up too early, nothing right, wouldn't do anything without someone there, (play mummy sit here...) but heaven forbid you actually touch a toy! Wouldn't drink, got too thirsty, over tired, wouldn't eat. Was put to bed and he did sleep, but..... woke up in as foul a mood. Starting to think ill? teething?? or just a v bad day due to his age? So, so relieved to get him to bed at 7.00pm, and then you feel slightly guilty for it. Our ears have been ringing with it today and or blood pressures, well, sky high I imagine.

Calmness and distraction usually my best approach, although on days like this, five mins later and something else has set him off again. OH tends to snap and shout, as we all do sometimes, but DS just picks up on it and goes more berserk. Stamina, that's a good word, shame it's usually them who have more of it.

It's sooooooo hard. Baby no 2 due in two months. We are more than a little terrified. Good to hear that they can be totally different. The first one has certainly always had a firey temper on him.

It's always reassuring to hear there are other people going through the same problems!
My ds is nearly 2 and is at this stage too. I also don't know how to deal with him. The worst thing is he sometimes holds his breath so long when he screams he actually turns blue and has passed out a few times. This has usually resulted in him whacking his head off the wooden floor as i have been trying to ignore his tantrum. He's really upset after that happens. I'm really hoping that things improve as he gets better at communicating. Dd used to have awful tantrums but hers were somehow easier to deal with, i just ignored her until she finished.
I also think ds doesn't get enough sleep and is worse when he is tired.
Soryr no good advice, but another sufferer!