5 year-old deliberately hurting others

[MeantToStopAtTwo]

I hadn't seen any of this behaviour for a while and optimistically thought it was just a phase which had passed. Then today, at a large out-of-town playground, my 5 year-old walked up to a little toddling girl and - very deliberately and entirely unprovoked - pushed her right over onto gravel. He then ran off leaving her to cry, without so much as a backwards glance.

I was absolutely furious with him, which immediately made him cry too. We've never done forced apologies but I insisted that he came over with me to see the little girl and her mum so I could tell them that I was extremely sorry and couldn't think what on earth had got into him.

I then took him home. As soon as we got in the car he told me that he wasn't sorry and that he'd done it because he 'wanted to make someone else hurt really badly.'

I didn't know quite what to say to that. I honestly cannot think why he want to make anyone else hurt. Has anyone else had experience of this?

Yes. My son is being a bit like this at the moment. He has said to me that he wanted to make his friend sad or feel bad, when I've asked why he pushed etc.

I know with my son that he is made to feel bad by his friend in really subtle ways. If he has been left out or can't do what his friend can do (my son has mild cerebral palsy).

Sometimes I do see kids in the playground getting in trouble for things that actually were provoked (but unseen) by the child who ends up getting pushed. Are you sure that this girl did not push him or do something similar first. This would have made your son feel bad and then he'd want to get back at her.

Or perhaps during the day someone like a sibling or other friend has hurt your DS - and he's stored it all up inside of him and then taken it out on this stranger in the park?

not something i have first hand experience of, or rather, not so blatantly at least!
but i wonder if it's simply a case of "i wonder what it feels like to do...." and not actually having the impulse control to stop himself doing it?

my best friend's husband tells us a story of when he (aged around 4/5ish) saw his mum sleeping on the sofa, and wanted to throw scissors at her. so he did! and they stabbed her in the head.
he remembers it really clearly and said he just wanted to see what would happen.. (which was that she was really hurt and very angry)., although i think he was sorry.

i guess it's a little unusual that your son was still not sorry at all even when he saw the girl was hurt.
did he say WHY he wanted to make someone else hurt?

unusual? i think boys sometimes revel in the fact that they can do this and make someone cry.

Gosh skewiff, thank you, you've made me feel heaps better just by knowing that I'm we're not alone with this!

This has happened several times before, although not for a while, and, interestingly, it always involves total strangers. On this occasion, I'm 99% sure it wasn't provoked as we'd only recently arrived at the playground, my youngest was sleeping in the buggy, and I'd been watching the entire time. He WAS very upset afterwards and cried for some time, although still said he wasn't sorry.

That scissor story sounds awful thisisyesterday. I trust the mother was OK?

I also don't think its unusual for a child/boy to not be sorry.

I'm reading a book at the moment called 'Playful parenting' - its not really helping me be a playful parent, but its given me an idea of how children try to keep their energy up (cups full, as the author says) by upsetting other children and not sharing or taking things away from them etc.

The author says that during the day a child will feel like he's lost energy from his cup when something happens that he feels is unfair - or perhaps more love is shown to a sibling, or if a friend upsets him etc

He/she will then try and get that energy back by hurting someone else. This may be why children don't feel sorry.

I think the solution in parenting is supposed to be that you give them their energy back through play ??? That's the bit I can't get my head around yet - perhaps someone else could help at this point?

I do find all the parenting and getting into the thoughts and behind the motives of children really mind boggling and stressful when in the middle of it all.

"boys sometimes do this...?"

way to go with the stereotyping SEA.

what makes you think this?

but once they've got their "cup" full again surely they can have some remorse or empathy for the child that has been hurt?
i honestly do think it's fairly unusual for a child to deliberately hurt someone and not feel even a little bit sorry that they have been hurt iyswim?

Thanks. I have that book too but so far haven't made it beyond chapter 2. Perhaps I should get it out again...

It so happens that my other two children are girls! I don't read too much into that though.