AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggg gggggggghhhhhhhh!

[PlopPlopPing]

HELP!

I have a lovely 4 yo (nearly 5) but fucking hell does she moan about everything! I love her very much and she's so smart and lovely but she never stops moaning.

So far this morning it's been that she has a tiny pink dot on her foot (which didn't hurt til she saw it of course) and that her younger sibling put a piece of toast on a plate that was near her! A piece of toast! She was asking him to take it off the plate in wingey voice, then removing it herself with sulky face and going "nnnooooooo, don't want that on theerrrreeeee! (in wingey voice). Jesus Christ!

She moans about every meal we make her (always done that really) makes a face, makes "eurgh" noises (which makes her brother stop eating too) complains it's too hot, too cold, is watery, is too thick. It doesn't matter really as she isn't happy with any of it no matter what it is. I'm very tempted (to try for a few days) taking it away at the first winge and throwing it in the bin! What that be very harsh do you think? I find it so rude and of course her brother then not eating is a pain in the arse as he hardly eats at the moment. So when he does like something she turns him off it too.

She cries hysterically about every tiny scratch or bump that can't possible hurt, it really can't! We have always just accepted that she is like that about pain but lately we've had enough and the last few days have just been saying "no that can't hurt" and explaining to her that she can't cry hysterically about every time tap or every time she has her hair brushed for example and that not every feeling is pain that worth crying about.

She literally cries hysterically about anything.

I say to her that I'm not going to listen if she uses wingey voice and then she often corrects it (eventually) but goes back to wingey voice within minutes. Now days I feel so angry about it that I just end up screaming for her to be quiet! I can't stand it all day every day!

Help!

Best thing for wingeing I find is to totally ignore it, and ONLY respond when you are spoken to in pleasant tone. Say something like "I don't respond to wingeing", and then get on with whatever you were doing. You may need to be patient, as I bet the wingeing will immediately escalate, but keep your cool... and wait... Equally, make sure you DO respond when asked something in a non-wingey voice - and comment on the non-wingeing - "you asked for that so nicely DD, well done" etc. etc. Basically, give the behaviour you like attention and ignore the moaning.

I have a DSS who moans about food all the time. Now, when he asks what's for tea, and I say "chicken casserole" or whatever, and he says (moanily) "oh but I don't want that, I want to have x", I say, very calmly, "oh well, you've got chicken casserole", and leave it at that. It's the same principle really, just don't give the moaning any attention. And don't pander to it! I have said to mine that it is fine to really not like something, but I'm not going to start catering for everyone's preferences - which change on a daily basis.

Do you give in to the requests about too hot, too cold etc.? We have been known to tell our DSs that if they are going to whinge and moan, they can go eat in the garden, so that the rest of us don't have to hear.

Re. the crying about every little thing - has she learnt that it gets her lots of attention? The trouble is a bit like Peter and the Wolf - one day she really will hurt herself, and you may not realise how serious it is because you are so used to her crying at every little thing. Maybe you should stop brushing her hair when she cries? Then she'd have to finish it herself? I would try and minimise the attention for the crying with "pain" - if a plaster would help, whack one on and then get on with things without taking much notice of the crying.

UC I would whack a plaster on but the she cries and starts screaming because she thinks the plaster will hurt when it's taken off, so she won't let one be put on in the first place. We have explained to her about crying wolf but no change.

No we don't give in to the too hot too cold thing. Probably used to until she was about 2 but she's nearly 5 now! I just tell her to eat it or don't eat it and that's her choice. She carried on wingeing. Often when she winges I tell her to go elsewhere so that no one else has to listen to it and that it's a horrible noise, to come back when she can make nice noises etc (always feel harsh for that). Sometimes although not often I have to remove her completely and make her sit in the hallway as I have a quick temper and I will lose it if I have to listen to it for any period of time! I do comment if she talks nicely.

Thanks for your reply, it's all sensible stuff but I do feel as though I do most of the things you mention. The only thing I have trouble with is the ignoring. I can do it for short periods but as I said have a short fuse so end up getting angry. It's just not in me to zone it out! I can tell her to talk with a nice voice but if it carries on I just need her away from me!

I would give her a warning at the dinner table then put her in her room if she doesn't stop whining/crying. I also don't tolerate rudeness about my cooking from dcs - if they say it's disgusting they go to their room immediately. In fact my eldest now knows that if she complains about the food then she's responsible for making dinner for everyone the next day!

No advice about the crying related to pain, sorry, I'm not the one to ask - yesterday I told my dd to stop being so pathetic for crying over nothing.

alligatorpurse How old is your eldest?

I was just in the middle of doing the youngests nappy and my daughter asks if she can have something to eat (she asks approx 200 times a day) and I said I wasn't sure if we have anything and she would have to wait, so she asks if she can watch a film and I say that I don't know she will have to wait a minute and that anyway I am thinking of doing something nice for them (it was an egg hunt but hadn't decided whether or not to do it today or not), so she starts instantly using high pitched winey voice and crying! I was saying I was going to do something nice for her and that makes her winge.

I sent her out the room and upstairs and was VERY angry! It's so horrible because I don't want to be like this but I can't stand it. I've had 5 years of it! I swore and everything and spoke to her in a gritted teeth horrible sort of way. I honestly don't know what to do as there is a part of me that just wants to smack her everytime she is a wingey little **!

Also meant to say alligator that I've said that too ( yesterday I told my dd to stop being so pathetic for crying over nothing ).

I get up in the morning and think that we are going to have a nice day and might have some nice ideas of things to do for the day but the more she moans the less I want to do nice things for her. It's also taken away any energy/patience for my youngest and its not fair on him. He's a good little boy but I'm always angry!

dd was a bit like this for a while it really does need to be nipped in the bud as it drives you crazy

i found with her that if i changed my reaction to her comments and said something a bit shocking it stopped her in her tracks.for instance whinging about food i wd just say very seriously and calmly 'ok i will take it away and put in the bin then' and go to do it.whines about toys,shoes etc would get the same response from me.once she knew i meant it - it stopped.

i'm sure a lot of the whinging is because she is too sure of your patience and tolerance.

i always used to tickle her when she moaned about tiny tiny scratches too - its attention seeking. she was such a drama queen.

sharbie The problem is though that she has always been like this so it's not a stage. How can you change someones (and should you?) whole nature?!

too sure of your patience and tolerance - do you mean do what she's not expecting? That's why i was thinking of chucking it straight in the bin for a while. I've tried threats to do it and even going to remove her plate but it just makes her whine loader and doesn't actually change her behaviour for the rest of the meal let alone permantly. I find it weird that she is sure of my patience and tolerance considering I have NONE! The reaction she gets is always bad. I've heard that some kids prefer ANY attention even if it's not good attention but bloody hell!

if its any consolation dd has grown up to be lovely and her personality has changed completely.i did a lot of despairing when she was 4/5 i can tell you.what changed her most was school - she started at 4 yrs and 2 days old and all of a sudden was not the most important person in the world - even the room .
don't threaten to do the mean stuff - do it.and bite your tongue.
i never got angry which was easy for me i admit as i don't have much of a temper but i had to distract myself from giving her too much attention as you are right - these dcs want any attention good or bad.
always always try to distract when they start as it just gets worse - i used to get a biscuit or a packet of crisps 'oh don't you want these then?' - its a game for them i think and you have to be on top of them mentally.aaaaaargh though i know its tough.

Plop my eldest is 10 so you've a while yet. And then we usually get her "toast with jam" special anyway.

Actually she was always very whiney and negative when she was younger. I think it's just her personality. School really helped - she basically learned to control herself, as no-one wanted to play with her if she was always crying and complaining. The moany girl still surfaces at times, particularly if she hasn't had enough sleep, but most of the time she's great now. It will get better for you.

A lightbulb moment for me was realising that they are actually happier with LESS. Much less. So you think you are doing something nice for her but she ends up moaning anyway. The best family days we've had have been when nothing much is on offer, i.e. the dcs have space to play and are fed and ideally have other kids to play with. Whenever treats of any kind are involved it always seems to end up with someone crying and wanting more. I'm not saying don't ever give treats, but I find spontaneous is the best, rather than planning something then getting annoyed when they don't seem to enjoy it.

Hmmm, if you find it difficult to keep your cool when she winges at the table, then instead of taking her away, maybe remove yourself?

Sometimes when my DSs are moaning about getting in the bath, and going to bed, I say "fine, put yourselves to bed then, see you in the morning" and shut myself away in the lounge/bedroom. Amazing how quickly they get a shift on then.

You said "I've tried threats to do it and even going to remove her plate but it just makes her whine loader and doesn't actually change her behaviour for the rest of the meal let alone permantly. I find it weird that she is sure of my patience and tolerance considering I have NONE! The reaction she gets is always bad. I've heard that some kids prefer ANY attention even if it's not good attention but bloody hell!"

• sounds as though you've made threats but then let the winging carry on through the meal? Carry out the threat. Yes, it will feel horrible for a few times, but if you don't, she'll see that she can winge and be threatened with a punishment, but the punishment never actually comes...

Yeah I see what you mean about carrying through with the threat.

I used to put them into the bath with clothes on if they wouldn't get undressed. But I'm a meanie.