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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

what to do to stop a whinger (aged 4) whinging non bloody stop?

32 replies

Greythorne · 18/04/2011 22:06

My DD1 is 4.4 and she's a whinger. It is driving me batty.

Example:

We were on a boat today on the river Seine (we live in Paris, had a relative visiting). the sun was shining, the boat was lovely, we had nice seats, not too busy, obviously great views if you are an adult, less so, perhaps if you are 4 but even so, being on a boat is fun. We had picnic stuff, so she was snacking on the boat, so not hungry, not tired.

And yet she whinges. and whinges.

She asked for my iPhone to play a toddler game (tinkerbell dressing up game). But I didn't want to give it to her because I didn't want it to get lost or dropped or damaged. Plus I felt like we should all be enjoying a sunny family day out without recourse to electronic toys.

But she whinged and whinged endlessly and it was driving me mad.

NOTE: I did not give in for a biy of peace, even though I was sorely tempted. I have read elsewhere on MN that giving in to whinging is basically training your children to whinge! So, I resisted but the morning was exasperating, endless whinging, interspersed with me cajoling and threatening.

I tried distraction (games along the I spy theme and a treasure hunt thing), I tried ignoring the whinging.

I would love some ideas on how to handle this, as we often get endless whinging for chocolates or sweets when out and about, too.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog · 18/04/2011 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notnowbernard · 18/04/2011 22:16

Do you tell her she is whingeing?

I tell mine that they are and how it makes me feel - irritated. And that it is not nice to have to listen to

I then tell them to use their Normal Voices and that if they carry on whingeing I will not be listening AT ALL until they stop

It sometimes works

FWIW DD1 is 7 now and rarely whinges

Original poster

Greythorne · 18/04/2011 22:19

Engelbert

It's mostly the relentlessness ("Mummy, can I have your phone? Please mummy? I said please? Why can't I have your phone? It's not fair? Please? Mummy? Please can I just have your phone for two minutes? I need your phone! Mummy! You're not listening, mummy! Mummmmmmmmmy!" etc) but the tone is annoying, too.

Ignoring her seems to incense her and she gets uppity.

It's just exhausting.

OP posts:

Hamkin · 18/04/2011 22:20

My Ds is similar age to your DD and I am going through a similar thing too. I nearly always seem to master the whinging bye:

Looking him directly in the face and saying calmly "stop talking in that voice. Mummy can't understand a word you are saying when you talk like that. Talk in a mormal voice then I can hear what you are saying".
Get him to explain in a "normal" voice what he wants.
Explain calmly and clearly that he can't have it/do it because of blah blah...then offer an alternative - we will do it/you can have it at....etc.

If he starts again I repeat number 3, then ignore any further whining. I find he soon gets bored of it.

Sorry if you have already tried this!

geraldinetheluckygoat · 18/04/2011 22:20

Do you sometimes give in? (not criticising, at all!) Does the whinging ever get her what she wants? If mine are whinging for something they might have got otherwise, like sweets, etc. when out, I tell them to stop, and ask in a normal voice. Sometimes I even tell them that I can't understand what they are saying, until they speak normally. I have that Raising happy children book , and his section on whining is really helpful, so that might be worth a read?

Well done for not giving in! I do think sometimes kids just do this, she probably was just bored on the boat, which is annoying as it is a nice activitiy, but that's kids for you

HouseOfBamboo · 18/04/2011 22:21

Hmm, sympathies. If there is no underlying reason (tiredness, hunger, genuine distress) I tend to go for a firm and direct approach rather than cajoling.

As in 'I know you're bored and want to do something else, but we're here now, it's not for long and I don't want to hear you complaining about it any more, thank you.' Followed by hard stare . Repeat as necessary.

CravingExcitement · 18/04/2011 22:22

"We're not getting any sweets today darling"

"I've already said we're not getting any"

Then ignore. Try to avoid actually using the word no, it can create confrontation. Keep you voice calm and low. Don't give in.

MillsAndDoom · 18/04/2011 22:22

Lurking as the owner of a whinger

geraldinetheluckygoat · 18/04/2011 22:22

ah cross posted with everyone! Having read them, I also agree with not answering a request more than once or twice, I will say
"I have said no to that question, and I wont be answering it again." or "I have already answered that question, what did I say?" They soon get bored of that ....

geraldinetheluckygoat · 18/04/2011 22:27

If possible, when the relentless "mummy, mummy I said please, youre ignoring me" etc starts, I would send her elsewhere, and tell her she can come back when she thinks she can be in the room without asking for X as I have already told her it isnt happening. Appreciate this is hard on a boat. I might have sent her to sit on a chair in view but away from me. But then you risk a public tantrum which is a nightmare. Definitely do this at home though.

HouseOfBamboo · 18/04/2011 22:27

Oh god yes, 'What did I say?' seems to be all I do at the moment. It is mostly effective though.

Original poster

Greythorne · 18/04/2011 22:31

I like the "I have already answered that question and I won't be anwsering again" suggestion. Might make me feel like the PM at PMQs ("I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer I just gave" ad infinitum).

It makes me so exasperated and snappy. I wonder if some kids are whingers and some are just not and we happen to have hit the whinger jackpot?

Must try to stay strong and Not Give In To Whinging.

OP posts:

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog · 18/04/2011 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EndangeredSpecies · 18/04/2011 22:35

"Do you want to hear Mummy's whingy voice?" "Yes". [mummy does whingy voice while pretending to be too tired to do the simple thing they have whinged about e.g. putting shoe on] "Did you enjoy that?" "No". "Then find your nice voice".

This works for five minutes then they forget and start again.

HouseOfBamboo · 18/04/2011 22:44

Yes I think the thing is not to even contemplate pandering - they aren't daft and soon pick up on whether you mean it or not. It might feel a bit mean but as long as you can manage to stay calm it's better than a lot of the alternatives. Difficult I know.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 18/04/2011 23:04

Also just being very matter of fact:
"You are whining. You need to stop doing that. If I hear it agian/if you ask me again, you will be sent out of the room(or whatever)" And then when she does do it again actually do it, send out. Thsi has the added benefit of removing the whining so you get a chance to calm down, and when she realises that you aren't listening to her whining it will immediately be very boring to whine for her.

GOOD LUCK!!

Original poster

Greythorne · 18/04/2011 23:05

Ok, great.

{Jots notes furiously}

OP posts:

Rosebud05 · 18/04/2011 23:28

Agree with others' tips and also have a 4 year old daughter. I am sometimes guilty of getting her to do things that I think are 'fun' like go to a different play ground and she gets thrown out of her comfort zone and whinges like a trooper.

We had a 2 week holiday in idyllic, rural France last summer, and she spent the whole time 'physically whingeing' ie sticking to me like velcro. I think of it as 'physical whingeing' as this is what she did before she could speak and once she learnt to speak she added a sound dimension to the dynamic . I realised eventually that she was finding the lack of TV difficult to cope with; not because there is anything utterly unmissable on CBeeBees but because she uses staring at a screen as a way of zoning out/grounding herself. I think it's the kids' version of the 'iphone twitchiness' that adults have; a sort of compulsive, unnecessary behaviour that drives others batty.

Not sure what I'm trying to say, except that sometimes prevention is better than cure.

alligatorpurse · 19/04/2011 01:12

The only thing I have found that works well with whinging is the 1-2-3 (from the 123 Magic book) approach. Basically they get "counted" for each thing they do that you don't want them to do, and if they reach 3, there is a consequence (5 mins time out, loss of privelege, whatever). I find it particularly useful for repeated requests which I have already said no to. She asks for your phone, you say no and give a short explanation why not (it might get wet etc). She asks again, you say "that's 1" (you need to explain before you start the approach that if you get to 3, she goes to her room or whatever), if she asks again or screams or hits you etc, you say "that's 2", and so on. When you get to 3, you take her to her room, or tell her what the consequence is, briefly, with no waffling on or getting angry. If you do this, you'll find she reaches 3 quite a bit initially, however I rarely need to use a consequence now. My dcs walk away grumbling when I say "that's 1" these days. I promise you it works! (even DH is convinced)

geraldinetheluckygoat · 19/04/2011 08:34

I like the 123 approach, may start using that myself! I think sometimes they dont even realise they are doing themselves, or they do, but they get locked into the behaviour and actually doing 123 or stopping them and TELLING them they are doing it and they need to stop can sometimes break through the cycle...
Ha, "Physical Whingeing"! I know what you mean, lolling all over you, sighing dramatically, doleful looks...Mine do this at my Mums. And whining to go home,so I shall be cracking down on that myself. I think the problem there is that they get a bit bored as there is a box of baby toys that they have grown out of...I probably need to get a few interesting bits and bobs for them to do over there...

buttercupsareyellow · 19/04/2011 18:20

Another parent of a whinger here, dd is 5 and has been whingeing non-stop since the day she was born. She takes whingeing to a higher level by having a screaming tantrum if her whingeing doesn't work. So today out shopping she wanted me to buy her a balloon. I explained to her that no she wasn't having a balloon as I'd bought her one yesterday and I'd just bought her new shoes and hairbands. Cue the whingeing. Cue me repeating that she couldn't have the balloon. Next thing she's having a full scale screaming tantrum. Did I mention she was 5... Really thought she'd have grown out of tantrums by now.

Definitely going to try some of these tips, especially the 123 method. The long holidays is definitely giving her more time/opportunity for full scale whingeing!

dikkertjedap · 19/04/2011 18:59

Hmm ... as you say yourself it may be lovely for the adults to have a boat trip on the Seine, but probably not for four year olds, and by the look of it, definitely not for your four year old. I think it helps to plan something specifically for the child and something for the adults on a day out. You can then explain that 'yes, we have this boat trip and later we go ... (play ground, whatever)'. I don't think children are whingers, some may moan on occasions as do adults. It is all about give and take and trying to understand and appreciate each other IMO.

Original poster

Greythorne · 19/04/2011 20:49

dikk
really surprised by your post
Lots of life is boring/unexciting/unsuitable for kids but that's life
Unfortunately I cannot plan child friendly stuff in exchange for the boring adult stuff every time
Life is not like that

And besides a boat trip on a warm sunny day could be great fun for kids

As for kids are not whingers, you have obviously not met my dd

She is capable of whinging at her on birthday party

OP posts:

Asinine · 19/04/2011 21:28

If you never give in to whinging, she will stop, not today but after a month or so. The trouble is, they have amazing memories, so if they think there is 0.0000002% chance they might get what they want, they will try.

Intermittent reward is the strongest reinforcement of behaviour there is.

If you have other children, or a partner, paying attention to them during whinging is even better than ignoring.

The other thing we do is to say that if they ask without whinging next time, they might get what they want, but whinging is an automatic disqualification.

So, on a car journey, they know there is more chance of sweets if they don't keep asking.

Asinine · 19/04/2011 21:39

Also, and I'm sure none of you do this, I have heard ,many mums whinging at their kids, complete with the whiny voice. " get your coat on, I said get it on, why do you never listen? She never listens, where's your coat, we'll be late" etc.
You see, we say the same thing over and over to them in a complaining voice, and expect and often get a result. They're clever, and copying us to their own ends

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