4 yr old boy overzealous in friendships

[skewiff]

Not sure if my title is the right description really.

And its actually not in all friendships - just some ...

Ever since DS was a baby he has been invasive of other children's space and over excited in their company. This has often put some children off - and its with children of this sort (quieter, less assertive and children who like their own space) now that DS is at his worst.

The result is that he'll invade a child's space either physically or through his loudness and exuberance (always just excitement at first). The other child will move away/ play with him for a bit until he/she gets fed up or say 'leave me alone' or something of that sort.

DS then becomes prevocative or gets louder. He'll try and upset the other child by being more invasive or getting in their way or poking/pushing them etc

I try and stop this - but it makes things worse. By this point DS is wound up like a wind up toy and will not hear any sense and just wants to get at the other child.

Afterwards I talk to DS but he doesn't really seem to know why he gets in this state. I explain that he'll lose friends if he carries on in this way - and he does seem to get this (at the beginning of certain play dates etc he makes such an effort to play nicely - but the excitement of it all means that he ends up losing control).

I don't feel as though I am managing this situation very well. Are there any of you out there that have been through anything similar and have any advice?

I'm reading a book called 'Playful parenting' at the moment and wish I could use some of this advice in these situations - but I always just end up feeling hopeless and sad - not at all playful.

Thank you.

Have you tried doing something very physical-going with friends to a playground with plenty of space to run around?

Yes - did this today actually.

What I have not mentioned is that DS has a mild form of cerebral palsy that affects just one side of his body - same as a stroke would.

It is in many ways really mild and not at all noticeable. However it does affect him significantly. In that if we are at home he has relatively no fine motor skills at all in his left hand. And if we are out his balance/running and climbing skills are of course affected and often poor. So a lot of the time he is left out when groups of children are playing and if just one to one is probably feeling frustrated that he can't keep up with his friend.

I did not mention this in my original post, because I don't want to put everything down to his CP and often the behaviour I've mentioned comes out when he is not being left out of left behind.

Perhaps he has a general fear of being left out and so overcompensates from the start ...? I suspect that he does try to control play so that it doesn't go into areas that he can't access.

I really don't know. Feel like a terrible mother for not knowing and not being able to guess.

My friend's DS had similar, in fact reading your post again very similar. She used to do a lot of physical things with him, particularly swiming. THis gave him a lot of confidence as he became a better swimmer than average. He wasn't any good at things like football. He went to riding for the disabled and got a lot from that. I would see if you can find something for him to shine at and give him confidence.
Is he an only DC? I just ask because without siblings they can tend to get overexcited. My DS was an only at that age and if a friend came over he used to anticipate what they would do and then the friend would refuse and want to do something entirely differerent. It caused upset. I was able to reason with him and tell him not to expect, but to wait and see and then he wouldn't be disappointed.
Does he go to nursery, preschool, school? If so how is he there?

Well I'm about to have another one (in a week, hopefully) but can't see how that will calm DS down ... will it??? (I'd love it if it could).

You are right about doing physical things that he can excel at and we do take DS swimming alot and try things like riding etc too.

He's getting better at reasoning - which is good.

And yes he does go to preschool and is the same there. Very excitable and controlling. In fact it is the nursery/preschool that alerted me to it in the first place. At home he can be calmer when with most children.

I think the reason that he's so mad at preschool is that the best friend he's made there is one of the worst (not blaming the friend) for making DS go crazy. The friend is quite cool/calm.

sorry - what I meant by 'about to have another one' was - have another child.

I only asked about siblings because they help a DC to understand that others have different needs and want to do things differently. It may get easier as he gets older and has more understanding of friendship and you can reason with him. Hopefully someone else will add to this with suggestions.