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Original poster

Any recommendations on a good book or strategy to explain death to a three year old?

26 replies

CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 11:57

DS1 is 3.5 years old.

Last month, DP and I took the DSs for a walk through the local woods, and rested for a while on a memorial bench. DS1 asked DP what the plaque on the bench said, and without thinking DP said that a man called Frank had died, and his family had bought the bench so they could sit on it and remember him.

Since then DS1 has been absolutely obsessed with Frank. How he died, where he died, why he died, where he's gone, how old he was when he died, whether he DS1 would die soon, when DS2 would die, will the cat die, will Grandma die before DS1 because she's old?

To make it worse one of the pets at his pre-school happens to be called Frank, and DS1 caused huge upset when he went in the Monday after the walk and annouced to everyone that Frank had died...

DS1 mentions Frank at least once per day, and often more, and it's showing no signs of letting up. He doesn't seem to be upset, exactly, but it's clearly on his mind. It doesn't help than Frank is just a name to DS1 (and us) so it's all very theoretical to him.

Can anyone recommend a good book or strategy to help DS1 understand?

OP posts:
NoWittyName · 15/04/2011 12:59

Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in Between.
Written by Bryan Mellonie.

x

Portoeufino · 15/04/2011 13:00

You need Goodbye Mog....and a big box of tissues.

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 13:04

Not sure I could cope with Goodbye Mog, let alone DS1 GrinBlush. Might have to hog it to myself for a few days first.

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Original poster
CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 13:06

I sort of wish I could tell Frank's family that he might be gone but isn't forgotten!

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ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 15/04/2011 13:09

I was just thinking that about Frank's family! I'd love to know that if I was them!

Poor kids at school Grin

I can't suggest any books, but it's quite good to be able to have these discussions with your DS when it's not about a family member.

I'm sure lots of other posters will be able to recommend good books (as well as the one NoWittyName suggested).

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 13:22

Justed ordered Goodbye Mog from Amazon, and sobbed merely reading the customer reviews. So embarrassing - I'm at work...

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Original poster
CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 13:23

"Justed"? What's all that about? Blush

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Portoeufino · 15/04/2011 13:46

Grin at sobbing at work. I do that sometimes. Actually another tearjerker about the "cycle of life" is "I'll Love you forever". I cry every time. Dd finds it amusing for some reason.

I am welling up just thinking about it Blush

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 14:14

Nope, just read the synopis of "I'll love you forever" on Wiki. Not even going there at work!

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ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 15/04/2011 14:29

LOL @ work, definitely not the time to be reading reviews/synopsis of these books!

neolara · 15/04/2011 14:41

This book is very good explaining the basics of death to little ones. Don't pay £22 pounds for it though! Frog comes across a dead bird. He and his friends discuss what's happened to the bird. They realise he is dead and bury him. They feel sad, but then feel happy to be alive and the friends go off and play a game of football. I wouldn't recommend it for someone who has been recently bereaved, but it's good for showing how death is just a normal part of life. Also, it's possible to read without weeping, unlike some of the others listed above.

iskra · 15/04/2011 14:42

We have one called "The Frog & the Birdsong".

dexifehatz · 15/04/2011 17:23

I nearly had a breakdown in Waterstones reading 'Goodbye Mog'.Tears running down my face,snot, the whole shebang!

Portoeufino · 15/04/2011 18:46

It is one of the saddest books EVER. I understand. We should have some kind of Mog Anonymous Support group.

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 19:15

I cried in Waterstones at "Hug" and "Guess how much I love you" when DS1 was very small. I blame the hormones...

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Portoeufino · 15/04/2011 19:34

I love you to the MOON and back...

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 19:55

Ahem, I seem to have something in my eye....

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Sesquipedality · 16/04/2011 11:07

We had exactly this with DS at 3. Heartbreaking one day when he said quietly in the back of the car one day - a propos of nothing - "I don't want to die".

Our premise has been the old adage of - Only answer the question they ask, don't let your desire for explanations to spiral out of control and attack/introduce the theological etc if they're not asking - So will I die etc, "most people don't die until they are very very old". Don't go on into don't worry it'll all be fine, no you won't die, are you worried etc etc.

Help them to understand that death is a part of life - questioning is good and talking about such a huge subject is healthy. If you don't do religion this is a good chance to introduce philosophy into the lives of even v small children. We call death one of the "big questions" in our house and Ds is starting to understand that we don't have all the answers to "Big Questions" that everyone has their own thoughts and views and people feel differently. Nothing is necessarily right, or the answer, but everyone has a right to express their views and hold their beliiefs.

Let them believe whatever helps them understand it - this may shift over time and not match your views at all. When he asked what happens when you die, we said we weren't sure, some people believe x, some y and some z etc. Everyone has there own thoughts - what do you think? We don't do religion, but DS currently chooses to believe people may keep living in the sky. That's his choice - he may follow that forever, it may change. We just make sure he knows he can believe what he likes and that we're happy to talk about it always - but don't necessarily have the answers.

We might have been a bit brutal at times - and have definitely said we don't think anything really happens when you die. We've also said peope are very sad when people they love die. But my key has been to say that when people die, you don't see them every day but they are forever alive in your heart and your head. And that I do believe.

All the above has come from years of reading and researching because of family deaths - one in awful shock circumstances. Honesty and openess is the one thing all child bereavement experts seem to agree on. And if you can bear it, to start an understanding that Death happens, it is sad, it's fine that it's sad, we all are sad sometimes and it's all part of life.

mrsgrimwig · 16/04/2011 11:30

We've just been through this with my 3 year old as well. Although he wasn't upset when talking about death, he began to realise that death = separation and we had quite a few weeks where he became very upset when I left him at nursery. The staff at nursery were fantastic though and spoke with an ed psych to discuss the best possible way to handle it. In the end taking a possession of mine with him in his bag meant that he knew I would be coming back for him and it worked brilliantly. They also suggested the "Mog" story and a book called "Badger's Parting Gift" by Susan Varley which is beautifully written and would definitely be of help if someone close were to die.

It is heartbreaking though to hear them say "Will I die?" and "When I die can I take my teddy with me"? Because we are Christian, I can tell him about heaven and meeting Jesus and I hope he is a bit more reassured. He doesn't obsess with death, but out of the blue he will suddenly say something: the other day he was worried that there would be foxes/crocodiles in heaven and he didn't want to meet them! But like Sesquipedality says, it is best just to give brief answers, only when directly questioned. It is good that your DS isn't showing any signs of being upset by it - sounds like he is very perceptive and has a very enquiring mind!

NoWittyName · 16/04/2011 12:50

Badger's Parting Gift and Goodbye Mog were also books that we used (my daughter died when my son was 3 1/2 and as much as I find Goodbye Mog a complete tear-jerker I would still say 'Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in between' and 'Badger's Parting Gift' were better for understanding the concept.

NoWittyName · 16/04/2011 12:51

Sorry - missed a bracket and that just annoys me!
try again...

Badger's Parting Gift and Goodbye Mog were also books that we used (my daughter died when my son was 3 1/2) and as much as I find Goodbye Mog a complete tear-jerker I would still say 'Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in between' and 'Badger's Parting Gift' were better for understanding the concept.

CoteDAzur · 16/04/2011 12:56

I don't know about book but my strategy when explaining death to DD around that age was via flowers - she picks some, brings them home, we keep them in a vase for a few days, then they visibly "die".

lallyp · 16/04/2011 13:40

our ds also became fascinated by death at 3.5 (ish) when he saw a dead worm on the pavement covered in ant and wanted to save it. There was also a dead bird in the market and he was fascinated and i explained to him that the birds spirit had left its body and that the body was just the house for the birds spirit and that had already left and the body/house was now empty. He was totally happy with this as an explanation.

we are also currently reading about leaf litter (i am explaining death and decay = soil = cycle of life) and discussing the food chain . These topic tie in perfectly and help them understand.

great idea of using flowers.

have fun!
x

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 19/04/2011 13:21

Well, the Mog strategy backfired.

I ordered DS1 six Mog books from Amazon on Friday, and they arrived on Saturday. He loved the first five (particularly Mog's Bad Thing!) but hated Goodbye Mog and doesn't want to read it again. He also now thinks that Frank might be a cat, which has only added to his confusion...

I'm going to try the flowers idea next - it might be less abstract for him.

Thanks for all the tips.

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Original poster
CinnabarRed · 19/04/2011 13:22

NoWittyName - I'm sorry for the loss of your DD.

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