My behaviour is terrible.I lose it every day.Please help.

[mollyt]

I lose the plot with both of my little girls (2 and 4)almost every day - the red mist decends and before I know it I am literally screaming at them. I then spend the rest of the day feeling very shakey,my blood pressure is through the roof, slightly blurry vision and very guilty .
I think I need help with anger management - I have very little patience despite how hard I try and vow most evenings and mornings to be a nice mummy.
I find both girls whiney, demanding and difficult and every single thing is a huge battle - hair,teeth ,shoes,breakfast etcetc is a nightmare.They are not good sleepers (never have been) so we are all permanantly knackered.

I really am hanging in there and just wanting to fast forward a couple of years which I know I'll kick myself for.
I really feel very lost and alone with this and need outside help.
my partner and GP are both fab but can't be there 24/7 - I take a/d's.
Any supportive comments /suggestions welcome.

On from what NannyNick said, give them a Hobson's choice. So, instead of "Do you want to clean your teeth now?" ask "Do you want to clean your teeth or brush your hair first?" That way you still get them to do what needs doing but they feel like they have control.

Ditto "Do you want to wear your jeans or your pink trousers?"

One that works well with a guy I work with (adults with learning disabilities) "Would you like an apple or a banana?" If you ask him if he wants "a piece of fruit" he says no!

Parenting class might help you find friends in a similar situation that you can share experiences with

Oh yes, things like "Do you want to put your shoes on or your wellies?" "Do you want to put some Thomas trains, or Mr Men books in your backpack?" (3yr old I care for currently likes taking a backpack everywhere, though doesn't actually open it once we have left the house. Just seems to be a way of taking some things with him. Children like to copy us, so if they see us always taking a bag, they want to do the same. Try to anticipate such things, so that you are not left with a child moaning that they have left a bag behind (I get that issue on occasion, especially when we are in a hurry to get to school).

Also try "we need to go to the shops first then if we're good we can go to the park" when in the shop get them to do things like "who can find the bananas/green peppers/baked beans/cornflakes" you might end up with some odd shopping but the kids will love the game and you can reinforce colours and numbers "can you help me count 3 tins of tuna" "find me the red ketchup bottles"

As they get older you can send them to the next aisle and halve your shopping time

Def feel for you OP. Lots of the techniques they do at parenting courses are in this amazing bok - How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". Take a look here or at their website here. If you do a thread search on Mumsnet you'd find lots of people suggesting how to use their ideas to solve individual problems too.

I bought it when DS, now nearly 6 was, 2 and driving me insane. It was amazing. Cheaper and easier and quicker than waiting for a course, or try and get on a course and while you are read this first. Tons of people on here have recommended it and the techniques work across all ages. It's a book packed full of practical advice and exmaples, not lofty intellectual ideas with no help as to how to put theory into practice.

One technique I found v v useful with 2-4s is to create an illusion of choice within clear set parameters - so its bed/bath time - you don't want to give hem a choice about actually going but you can empower them by making them think they have a choice about how to get there. So do you want run up the stairs or dance like a ballerina/drive like a train/bulldoze like a diggger etc. Do you want chips or mash, red shoes or pink etc etc.

From an emotional point of view, try and remember that your children will never be this age again, and once they've grown up, this time has gone for all of you. Try and see the good things in your children, and remember to praise them for it, i'm sure you know by now that kids crave attention and if it's good attention then they will react in a good way.

Again as people have said, you need your sleep, but god we all know how hard it is to get sleep when you've got kids! It's all very well being told you need rest but how on earth do you get it? Do the girls have grandparents that could take them off your hands a few nights a month? Or something along those lines?
Remember you're not alone, so many mums get worn out and seriously cranky because it IS tough, and we do understand.

You can get past this, you just need to find something that works for you, that can help you overcome your anger.

Try to put yourself in your kids shoes, try and get into their heads and understand why they act the way they do, how they see you and how they'd like to be treated. I know it's hard but you're the parent, you're the leading example. Imagine if they grow up thinking it's normal behaviour? They'll be harder as teens so it's good that you're speaking out now, before it can't be undone. I hope things get better for you.

Know exactly how you feel - don't worry it will get better. Really agree with the people who say "get out the house". A change of scene can change everything. And it doesn't matter if they go out dressed as ballerinas with wellies on, so long as you get out. Do you have a local Surestart Centre or a soft play which is quiet during the week?

Building on the suggestions of offering a limited choice, I'd say actually don't offer a choice and see how that works. I.e. don't say to them "please, could you put your shoes on", instead say, very calmly, "It's time to put your shoes on. Put them on now." That really worked with one of my fusspots as if he thought he had a choice in the matter, he'd choose not to.

Whoa, 20 years is a long time to be in ads! Have you been seen by a psychiatrist? Do you think the ads work? I would ask for a referral/review. Maybe they can give you something to help with the anger, or more effective ads might help. I too struggle with anger and depression and regularly loose it with my 2. I take ads and antipsychotics (a low dose to treat anxiety). Parenting classes have really helped, and I have had a lot of counselling and prayer which have made me much better. I also put my 2ds into preschool 3 days a week so I have some time to myself. I really recommend going to see you gp about your symptoms, especially your sight. Your gp might be able to refer you for an anger management course too. Hope things get better soon x

I have a difficult 4 year old, and (thankfully) easier 2 year old. I am often at my wits end with the 4 year old in particular. Tips that help:

1. Don't set too high standards for yourself ... Being a "nice Mummy" when everyone is exhausted and being difficult, is pretty tough. An "average Mummy" who makes mistakes and gets angry, is quite understandably. Don't be too hard on yourself.

1. What might motivate the 4 year old in particular? (and the 2 year old might follow) Sticker charts, telephoning Daddy at work to tell him about any particular good/bad incidents, etc. If you find the right trigger for a 4 year old, you can get some good results. "Reward stickers" for not whining, getting dressed, etc..

1. Can you spend some time (even just 15 minutes) with each child on their own each day. When my two are difficult, they often seem to be competing a bit for attention, and some one-on-one time can help, even if just short. 2 year old DD gets special time when DS is at preschool, and DS is allowed to stay up a bit later in the evening. I try not to reward bad behaviour, but if my DS (4) is difficult, then I make an effort to later that day spend a little one-on-one time with him, or just a special cuddle & book.

1. Fresh air/outdoors. If we are having a difficult day, I find that going to the park is a good trip, with a promise of a stop at the Newsagents on the way home for a 17p bar of Freddos chocolate each (the ultimate reward at the moment), IF everyone has played nicely. A change of scene calms tempers a bit, and gets them tired.

1. If mine are tired/rundown and not sleeping, I try a week or two of "Tonic". You know the sort of time, when they are tired, but then don't sleep properly even though they are tired - just seem really difficult and under the weather. We use "Minadex" tonic, 3 times a day, recommended by a doctor we saw, and you can get it from the supermarket pharmacy. Seems to help.

1. Can you simplify routines at all? If they are really tired in the 30 minutes before tea, let them watch TV, even if it feels "bad Mummy". Can you make bedtime simpler? We don't always have a bath, if everyone is tired.

1. Are there grandparents around who can help? It might help to just deal with one of them on their own, if the GPs could have one of the girls to stay for a few nights.

I really feel for you. I hope it gets better. Several other posters have said work on the sleep thing first, and that makes a lot of sense.

I have the same problem . I'm reading "When your kids push your buttons and what you can do about it" and it's fab. It's all about your own childhood and why you react the way you do to the things your kids do. Can't recommend it highly enough.

thanks so much all of you - wow now have 100s of things to try.feeling tonnes better.thanks for all advice so far...
book sounds ace ppp.

How are you getting on OP? Your thread really rang a bell with me.