How do you deal with this bad behaviour in a 2 yo?

[cfc]

We have a wilful and sometimes downright recalcitrant 2 yo boy.

He gets in a foul mood sometimes and woe betide anyone who gets in his way, whether it be his toys, the dog or his sister! She's 20 weeks, btw.

So for hitting what do you do?

Spitting (though this is infrequent and really he only does it when his sister does as it makes her laugh) - but he will do it when we're telling him off.

Shouting at us, intelligibly, when being told off.

Chucking his toys around.

Demanding to be taken outside and played with and then having a total paddy when denied.

Kicking out during nappy changes.

Scratching.

Belting his sister.

Being unable to share anything with any other child and shouting 'mine' all the time, grabbing and snatching, pushing other children over..I could go on.

I don't think the naughty step works for the under 3's and I don't really know how to use it anyway. So what do you do in the above circumstances?

Help me please.

If he makes a fuss during a nappy change I suggest changing him over your knees. He can't do much laying on his tummy and it frees up both your hands for wiping / changing. You can make it a happy game - it doesn't have to be stressful.

Hitting. Are you hitting him? where is he learning this? If someone is hitting him, he will act it out, most likely on a smaller sibling. Best to have a "no hitting" rule and everyone keep to it.

I would ignore toy chucking. 'Or say - bet you can't pick up more than mummy and compete to tidy.

Spitting. You tell him you don't like it, its very rude and makes you sad. Then go off and do something else - this can be applied to various negative behaviours.

Actively reward all positive behaviour as much as possible. With "thank you" and "that's kind" and "so helpful" rather than labelling things good or bad.

ok its late here now I'm off to bed. But good luck. I still have some of these things with my 3.5 yr old...

We have a 2.2yo, for the last 2 months we have had the same but this week we seem to have turned a corner, and he's calmed down a lot. It coincided with him getting his last few teeth.

We started using the naughty cushion (its easier, we can use it anywhere!) and I was amazed that he actually stayed on it. We always give a warning first and then sit him on it and tell him why he's on it, and then he has to say sorry afterwards. Now a warning is normally enough to stop him being naughty.

Although I think this is a phase they all go through - DS was so much of a nightmare in the park we stopped taking him for a while - I think you need to teach them that its not acceptable.

Re hitting, I don't think he is necessarily learning it from anyone, some kids just hit.

Its all a bit stressful isn't it? I've only got one DC, so no idea how you are managing with two!

Try to figure out why is he so unhappy that he is constantly lashing out and misbehaving. Is he envious of the attention his sister gets, does he feel that you don't 'like' him as all he hears is 'no'. (2 year old logic, not that you don't like your child).
Sometimes 30 minutes of pure and uninterrupted one on one attention, i.e playing what HE wants, doing things that HE wants to do - regardless how silly and pointless it seems to you, is all it takes to give him back his confidence and making him feel loved and important.

My ds was like this. The naughty step didn't work, nothing worked - he didn't respond to discipline when he was two. His playschool teacher told me she thought he was autistic (we went to a paed who said he was just 'difficult).

What we did was to supervise him very carefully and we didn't take him places where we couldn't control him.

We tried the elimination diet (google 'RPA elimination diet' or 'fed up with food additives'). I wouldn't actually recommend doing the whole thing, because I think it is hard to maintain a healthy diet for a child and in the long run it actually lowers their tolerance. But it did calm ds down a lot and we still make sure he doesn't eat any colours, flavours or preservatives. It might be worth doing this and cutting out some of the other high chemical foods like juice, sultanas, tomato sauce and seeing if that makes a difference.

When ds hit three, he suddenly became much easier to control. We started using 1,2,3 magic and it worked really well with him.

When he was three and a half he started preschool with no problems. There were some aggressive boys there, but he was not one of them.

He is four and a half now. He can still be tiring as he is very full on - he is always talking and running around and he can get very upset very fast. But he is generally a good boy, who can be reasoned with. He is doing well at preschool and he plays nicely with other children. I went to see him doing a dance class at school today and I was so proud of him - he was the most keen, engaged child in the class.

So, I guess my advice is just to try to survive two, try to keep your relationship with your ds positive and his behaviour will improve, just given time.

What do you do at the moment when he misbehaves?

Thank you for your replies.

Re hitting, we don't hit him no. We don't even playfight with the dog in front of him as he's so quick to pick up and copy anything we do - monkey see, monkey do!

The food is very interesting and something I have thought of previously in relation to his behaviour. I cook everything for us all from scratch - we're lucky to have a market here and I take full advantage with fresh produce available there. BUT he has certain snacks, such as cheesestrings (bleurgh) and fruity roll things from Waitrose which apparently are just fruit. Food and feeding him is a whole other issue!! He has gone from being a good feeder to not eating much at all.

Teething - this might be it too. He is definitely cutting his last 6 or so, and I fear they're coming at the same time. Poor love.

I don't think he's jealous of his little sister. I do know he'd like more time with me though, as when I put on my pinny to cook or bake, he often pulls at the bow, telling me to take it off - I think this is because he knows I'm not 'his' for a half hour or so whilst I'm prepping food. So I reckon giving him a block of time when I'm playing trains with him, or whatever, without me nipping off to do the washing up, put on a wash etc etc might be a really good idea.

Currently I take him away from a situation where he's being disruptive, or force him to give up the toy he's fighting with friends over. We half-heartedly try the naughty step when it's something serious (as it were) like hitting his sister, or chucking something at the telly. Another fave of his!

Thanks again, he really is a lovely boy, so bright - part of the problem could be boredom too.

Have a look at 'Playful Parenting' by (ahem, can't remember the author, Amazon has it). I do not do baby books etc, but found this one very helpful in helping me to understand how little minds work.

How old? Just 2 is very different from nearly 3.

Can he talk? If he's at that in between stage when they can't talk very well it can be incredibly frustrating for them to express themselves hence all the bad behaviour.

Is he hungry and or tired? Both my children become he/she devils when either is the case, and often you get the dreaded combo and only realise what it was after the event

I wouldn't bother with the naughty step at 2 (well I don't second time round), and I believe in a lot of ignoring and then removing very clearly from situation for the most naughty things (hitting etc).

The last few teeth are AWFUL. So that could be it- if he's gone off his food that may be an indicator of teething too.

Hang on in there. He sounds quite normal really (!), they don't call it the "terrible twos" for nothing, and those angelic two year olds often turn into the worst threes.

Yes, giving good one to one time, even short time but no interruption can do wonders. THis often works well for us if it is nearer the beginning of the day.

If he's not eating much then I would personally go easy on restricting him, I would just give him stuff he will eat to keep his energy up, and give him milk if he likes that as well as meals. Of course you want to keep offering the healthy stuff as well, but personally I don't really think it matters if 2 year olds eat a few biscuits as well as bananas, bread etc etc- just a personal opinion! It's hard enough dealing with 2 year olds anyway , never mind hungry ones!

Good luck!

'happiest toddler on the block' which I really rate.

Also try saying yes even if things aren't convenient for you; and spontaneous love and cuddles

The phrase 'use words' eventually gets through to ds and normally there is a good reason once you can get back into the rational brain

Thanks again.

He is actually nearly 2, beginning of May is his birthday. He can talk, but is certainly frustrated by his lack of ability to fully articulate his needs and wants to me.

I have heard of the book, Playful Parenting, and will order it tonight. I need some insight into little minds!

I do need to say yes to him more often, esp when not convenient for me, but seems like a matter of life and death for him! Nearer the beginning of the day might set him up nicely.

Actually today has been great. He's done well for his sleeps and sort of for food. Though hasn't eaten this evening (I could cry with frustration). Also, he climbed out of his cot today so we've switched it to a bed, eek! He's gone to be nicely as usual, he's a great sleeper and always has been.

Thank you all.

would second the Playful Parenting book (by Lawrence Cohen) - it makes so much sense but isn't a traditional parenting book (which is good, in my view). My DD is 2.3 and very articulate, but is a right stroppy so and so - the thing about wanting to go outside really rang a bell. I often do take her out, as I am keen for her to be active. The PP book has made me realise that I often don't actually really focus on her - I've been making a real effort to play with her properly (as opposed to poking around on mn while she tries to get my full attention), and also to make flashpoints/conflicts into games - so when she starts to kick and scream because we have to go in for dinner, I swing her around in the air ('flying in the sky' as she calls it!) and then her frustration is usually forgotten.

Is he watching any TV? DD's behaviour is noticeably worse when she's been watching more than about 30 mins of telly...

Hi Driving - no, he's not a tv watcher. I'm not keen on it myself tbh and he's kinda taken my lead in that respect. In fact, he broke our new super duper tv a couple of months ago (much to husband's chagrin) and not having it in the living room for a few weeks was lovely!

Although he loves himself a bit of Mister Maker.....

well that's good, or possibly in this case bad, as it's a pretty quick fix for the outer edges - there's another thread along these lines which you might find useful. Some really good advice (and reassurance that You Are Not Alone) on here

Cfc, your DS sounds alot like my DS1 at that age. Despite others saying to the contrary, I started using the 'naughty step' or 'time out' around aged 2. This is because ignoring didn't have much of an effect and if DS1 hit his baby brother then I felt I had to show really strong disapproval and a zero tolerance policy.

I only used the naughty step for hitting, throwing- anything which could hurt others. If DS1 hit, I would give a warning, 'DS we do not hit, if you do that again, you will have to sit on the naughty step'. If he hit again I would take him straight to naughty step- which was a step at the bottom of my stairs and explain in a cross voice 'DS we do not hit, hitting is naughty behaviour, stay here until mummy comes to get you'.

As DS got older, and had more understanding, I wouldn't give a warning for hitting, it would be straight on the step. I know it sounds harsh, and it felt harsh at the time but honestly it worked. The hitting got less and less frequent over the year and now at 3yrs he pretty much (touch wood) never hits.

It's so hard because they are still babies themselves, and your DS isn't even 2 yet but I do think it's important around the age of 2 to set good boundaries. They need to understand that certain behaviours will not be accepted and the sooner they understand that, the happier they will be for it.

I think it's especially hard when they are 2, with a baby sibling, (like mine and yours) because due to circumstances there are more opportunities for the undesireable behaviour!

I went easy on other behaviours and just concentrated on the hitting, pushing, really.

I tried to do fun things with DS1, like the park, soft play, where he would be occupied, could burn off energy and would generally have much better behaviour.

you dont have to use a naughty step....

removing them from whereever you are can work too... ie the hall / utility room / or ANY other room / area where they are away from everyone else. (It doesnt have to be 'in here' and can be, 'not allowed in here')
(at toddler group / park etc when out and about strapped into buggy facing the wall / away from everone else will do too)

This is what i would do:

So for hitting what do you do?
I would say no hitting, if stopped, quick sorry and move on, if did again say if you hit again i will [insert what you will do to remove him from situtaion]. If he does it folow through.... leave for a minute or 2 and ask to aplogise an to come back and agree to not hit & be nice

Spitting (though this is infrequent and really he only does it when his sister does as it makes her laugh) - but he will do it when we're telling him off.
Id ignore, he will get bored when you dont react and continue to only tell off

Shouting at us, intelligibly, when being told off.*
I would ignore, would stop telling off and would continue telling off once quiet, repeat as above until he stops shouting over you"

Chucking his toys around.
make him pick them up, "can you pick that up please, its not nice to throw", if he doesnt say 'mummy wil take it away', if he still doesnt confiscate toy for rest of day, or until next nap, if he keeps throwing keep doing above and taking away, he will get the message soon, once he knows you dont throw toys, and toys will be taken away, if thrown aggressively toy can be removed immediatly without warning

Demanding to be taken outside and played with and then having a total paddy when denied.
ignore

Kicking out during nappy changes.
ask not too, but just have everything ready and get it done asap... could he pass you a wipe perhaps

Scratching.
"No scratching, you need to say sorry" if he says sorry fine for now, if not take him away from situtation, full attention on scratched person / not him, for a few mins when back"

Belting his sister.
as for scracthing

Being unable to share anything with any other child and shouting 'mine' all the time, grabbing and snatching, pushing other children over..I could go on.
constant reminding and talking all the time about how we share, if he grabs /snaches toy returned to who had it, if he refuses to play nicely then he can be distracted to play elsewhere, point being if he will not play nicely then he doesnt play at all again will take time, but he will get the message, and when starting out oversee playing with other very closley with lots of praise and X's turn, Y's turn etc etc.. tediouse but will work*

I agree, you don't have to use a naughty step but it is simple and consistent and removes child from all attention and gives a very clear message.

I actually prefer calling it the 'naughty step' to 'time out' as it is used for naughty behaviour. I believe in calling a spade a spade. There is no room for confusion.

I think removing the child from the situation is pretty much the same as using the naughty step anyway- you're just calling it something different.