Please help. I think we are messing up big time and I don't know what to do

[fadingfast]

For the past couple of weeks we have had a really difficult time with our DS (6.5). He is normally a good sleeper with a regular bedtime routine. He is quite a sensitive child and a bit of a worrier.

After doing the Easter story at school, he was really anxious and frightened of being on his own (tbh I think he was showing signs of this earlier but Easter seemed to have made it much worse). Normally he will fall asleep on his own at bedtime without any fuss, but he now won't let us leave him and wants us to stay with him while he falls asleep (literally for hours) and is regularly waking in the night and wanting to sleep with us. We thought this would pass within a few days and went along with it but it shows no sign of getting any better.

We have gone from being sympathetic and understanding to angry and impatient with him. DH thinks he is playing on it and manipulating us and that the time has come to take a firm line with him. I'm not so sure, but I have run out of ideas of what to do.

Tonight I got so cross with him that I smacked him . I have never done this before and I feel sick to think of it, but I really don't know what to do.

Sorry for the long post but if you've made it this far and have any words of wisdom, I'd be really really grateful.

oh dear, difficult one. He sounds genuinely anxious. Has he been able to explain what he's afraid of and why? Does he have any particular toy/ted that can help make him feel secure in bed - and if not why not try buying a new sleep buddy that will "protect" him while he sleeps. Just a thought.

Just a few suggestions:

A nice story on CD after you've put him to bed
A baby monitor so he knows you'll hear if he needs you
Buy something new or change his room around so he's excited to go to bed. Maybe customise his bed somehow so it seems exciting
Some kind of reward chart for going to bed without a fuss

At first he said he was frightened about Easter (the crucifixion), but I think it has got beyond that. Tonight when I asked him he said he didn't know what he was frightened of. He already has 3 teddies, plus an extra little one of mine that he has had since this all started to help 'look after him'. We have tried suggesting leaving the door open, light on outside, so he can hear that we are only downstairs. We have said that we will come up and check on him every 5 minutes. Nothing is good enough apart from staying with him. I wouldn't mind if it was just for half an hour or so, but it's as though he won't even settle with one of us there. And never mind actually being able to cook/eat dinner or get anything else done that needs doing.

I feel completely clueless about what to do, and I am really worried that we are causing him long-term damage by not doing the right thing.

I have said that I will be making a chart with smiley or sad faces on it depending on whether he goes to bed, with the lure of a trip to the sealife centre, so I will definitely do that for tomorrow.

CD might be good although I don't think it would send him to sleep - would have to think carefully of a suitably gentle story.

Stop being so anxious yourself about doing-the-wrong-thing, you care therefore you're a brilliant mother!

(try posting in Sleep?)

My DS, 7, is starting this behaviour too, he has always been brilliant at settling himself to sleep, we have never had to stay with him, he is getting increasingly scared of nightmares. At the moment his sister has moved into his room, we often let them share at weekends and holidays for a treat but not on school nights, this helps him a lot, but not sure if I want to let it go on for the whole holidays and beyond.

I can really understand your frustration, I get very short tempered with it all, especially if Dh is out and I am dealing with it alone and possibly hungry and tired myself too. My Dh is inclined to take a tough line, whereas I am inclined to try and talk it over and let DS think it through himself. I haven't really got any suggestions to help your Ds I'm afraid, but a few things that help me are letting him stay up a bit later while I get stuff done downstairs, and making sure I eat something before his bedtime so I am not starving.

Try playing with him... get the teddies and play a game of bedtime teddy.

Sit on the floor with him and make a little bed for a teddy from small blankets/towels. He and you can control what the teddies do - perhaps your teddy could be upset and not want to go to bed. His teddy is mummy teddy and he can show what he thinks mummy teddy should do with upset teddy.
Switch roles and play along with anything he suggests. Is his teddy scared perhaps?

Through play he may give you some hint as to what is upsetting him. He may play through his fears. He might not but it's worth a try.

I am nearly 40 now but can remember very vividly being around 7 or so and having dreadful fears of going to bed because I was convinced there were bears under my bed... This stemmed from having inadvertedly seen some sort of film where bears were chasing a group of hikers or something...

You say your son is scared of the crucifixion. I don't blame him, really, it's a horrific scene - a man being tied up and tortured.

You probably won't like what I am going to say but if I were you, I would let your son sleep with you for the time being. I think he needs the reassurance and I would imagine that these fears will subside in due course.

My DD, 5, has been doing the same thing. I started talking, stories, reward charts, the works. At the end of the day, if they're scared - they're scared and nothing will comfort them except a cuddle.

The first few nights, I let her come into our bed but didn't want to get into that habit. Now i go into her bed and give her a cuddle and after about half an hour she'll tell me I can go back to my own bed.

Don't know any older kids that do this so just riding with it for now. better than fighting it - In a few years they won't need you to comfort them so go with the flow and enjoy the cuddles :)

Remembering my childhood at that age, it is an age where a fear can really get on top of you. I remember that at that age my mum went into a museum in a house where there had been the plague (hundreds of years ago!). I couldn't sleep for weeks after it and I was so obsessed by the fact that my mum would have caught the plague etc. etc.. I could imagine it would be good to try to have a really good talk with him about his fears. Explain to him that you can help him best if he explains to you as much about his fears as possible. I must say, I had a very strong fear of death at that age and grown ups just telling me "of course your mum won't get the plague" wasn't enough. I think it's helpful to offer a whole other vision. I remember myself being very afraid of ghosts and dead people. I think if I were to parent myself at that time, I would describe a different "world view" that ghosts are something which people invent to help them think about death. They are characters in stories which people have always made up either to imagine that someone is still alive who has died or to have a bit of fun scaring other people. Ghosts are children with sheets over their heads. Talk about pumpkin heads and "fun" halloween things!
I don't know how I would extrapolate this to his fear of the crucifixion. I think I'd try to get HIM to talk about it as much as possible. Then I would maybe concentrate on the symbolic meaning of it - not talk about it as a real event but talk to him about how the pictures of the story were intended to explain to people about god. Obviously it depends on your own religious feelings how you explain it. As an interested atheist, I would concentrate on how the story was intended to convey a message to people about believing in god. I personally of course believe that people were really crucified in those days and probably that Jesus was crucified - but I would try to get away from that with DC! Talk on a more intellectual level about conversion to christianity and oh goodness, I would have to remember what I learnt at Sunday School about how the crucifixion is interpreted!

I know this all sounds crazy, but I must say, as a child who was very afraid of the supernatural etc. science REALLY helped me! Going to science museums and doing hands-on experiments etc. gave me a real alternative to spirits I couldn't see and things from the past living on unseen etc.. Whenever I got scared by going to an old house or something, the best thing for me was a nice modern kids section at a science museum - what you see is what you get! - and it's all above board :o) (I even went on to do a science degree).

Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Is he very active? maybe if he is more physically tired he might get to sleep better - a bit of running around time/go for a longish walk, trampoline etc. might just wear him out a bit to help to sleep quicker. Or maybe going to bed a little later? "Medised" which is good for colds etc but also has something to help them sleep - obviously not for regular use but might just give him a bit of help for a couple of nights making a big fuss about how it helps to sleep and keeps away all the nasty thoughts? if it works and he believes it then give him a plecibo maybe that will do the trick.
Sleeping in your bed is not a big thing - if it works then that´s good!
Sometimes mine still go to bed in our bed - we move them when we go to bed and they are 7 & 9 - I think our "smell" makes them feel secure.
Maybe explain the resurrection - might help??
Good luck and don´t be so hard on yourself!!

One of mine is very like this. I bought him a ghost shaped night light (from Ikea) and told him that it was to scare away anything scary in the night. It's worked quite well. A friend of mine was given a dreamcatcher for her little girl who is a bit older than your son and that worked well for him.

Thank you everyone, it really is so reassuring to hear your thoughts and ideas. I think it has just been quite a shock for someone who has always been a good sleeper to suddenly NOT be! I think perhaps the whole Easter thing has coincided with him reaching a stage where he is quite fearful about the idea of death, and history, and lots of really big (difficult!) questions. I am personally not religious, and find it difficult to explain that I only believe that some of the story is probably true (and not the bit he really likes, about Jesus rising from the dead!).

Last night I stayed with him until he went to sleep and he slept in his own bed all night, so I felt a lot more positive about things today. I have done a little reward chart, which he is remarkably receptive to, and I think it also really helps him having the door open (he always used to insist on it closed!) with the light on. We also stayed with him tonight, and to be honest it feels much more like the right thing to do. I like the idea of getting a proper night light for him, I think that might appeal to him.

So glad for you - here's to many more calm nights :)

Last night you stayed with him and he went to sleep. So now you can use gradual retreat (moving further and further away from him) so that he regains the confidence to sleep on his own. For example, if last night you sat by his bed, tonight sit by his door (still inside his room), then the following night sit on the landing (so outside this room), then sit halfway down the stairs - you'll be sitting downstairs posting on Mumsnet in a week, perhaps less.

Night light shopping could be a good thing to do. Alternative is to fit as low a wattage bulb as possible in his room light.

I haven't got a 7 year old but I do have 4 years experience of a non-seleeper so I have tried a few tricks!

I agree that what you're doing is right. You can be there for him, reassure him with your presence, but still be firm and avoid being "manipulated" - because there are times when they do take the piss a bit - and your gut feeling is probably right. I have had great results with leaving at bedtime then returning 5 minutes later. I always, always go back in once I've promised to, even if I think it might rouse him again, because he needs to feel secure that I will keep my word. Just pop in, kiss and cuddle, night night, and check back in 5 if he wants me to. Some nights I might do this 3 or 4 times, but very neutral and boring, no lights on or anything. You might find you can move towards that quite quickly in an older child.

I changed both my DCs bedroom lights to dimmer switches so they can control how light they want it, they cast less shadows than low level nightlights. We always have a nightlight on on the landing in case anyone has to get up in the night.