if you had/have a shy toddler, what tips can you give me?

[drivingmisscrazy]

DD is 2.3, so a bit young for playing with other children, but she is very reluctant around other kids - hides behind my leg, chews her hand, won't speak or approach them. She is much less shy with adults (she's an only child at the moment - very early on pg with DC2). She goes to nursery 3x mornings a week, is happy to go, a bit reluctant to go into a room of noisy kids (fair enough), but enjoys it. Apparently she only talks one on one with the adults there, and doesn't speak to the children, although she plays with them.

At home she is a normal toddler - talks very well, loves to play, definitely pushes at the boundaries. Should I assume she'll just grow out of it, or do I need to be more proactive? If the latter, what can I do? I try not to make too much of a big deal out of it, but sometimes it's hard, especially when others comment on her 'shyness' etc

thanks smallwhitecat - yes, that would make sense - I think she doesn't know what's expected of her really. And she's very small for her age, so easily gets overlooked. The other kids all seem to like her though. She loves to dance so I might try to find something for her, although everything I've found is for slightly older children

my DS now 4 is very shy. Doesnt look anyone in the eye when they come to the house initially and say hello (even goodbye for that matter) but will mix with them whilst they are visiting in his own time. Hates big crowds, doesnt participate in group activities at nursery. But equally at home sings and talks etc etc...He has gotten a little better over time, and tbh I think it is just a confidence thing. So agree with smallwhitecat in terms of structured activities to build confidence, but equally make sure they continue to mix with larger groups also. I think in time she will grow out of the majority of it, but also may have a shy tendency to some degree. we can't all be the life of the party

verybadhairdoo - yes, some of it is just her personality to be sure (she was notably quiet, even as a tiny baby), I just want to do anything I can to help her. She does 'warm up' with people - it takes about 30 minutes. She did go and play with 2 older girls (8 ish) when we were at a neighbour's house...

SHe is perfectly loud and boisterous at home...

don't worry too much, eldest ds 4 was very shy around other children , other mums I know now, have told me that they would always see him on his own in the nursery playground, (thanks for telling me now!) used to worry a lot about him and he hated going to nursery which made it worse. This year he is a different child, has got a good group of friends and to my amazement, this weekend even made friends with some random children at the park something I would never have imagined he would do.
3 things I think helped were
talked to his nursery and they said they would occassionally do things with him in smaller groups as they knew he found big groups difficult.
Had a big 4th birthday party for him and invited lots of children from nursery, think this boosted his confidence and may more dubiously have won him some friends....
He got a sibling and i think playing/fighting with him has definitely improved his social skills.

Whitecats idea sounds right, i think sometimes especially if they are the eldest they are just not really sure how they are meant to interact with children their own age, having a structure takes the pressure off.
Good luck and try not to worry too much

I would do nothing other than reassure and support when she is shy, and try to model not being shy/being open and relaxed in social situations if you can!

My son is 4.5 and still quite shy, but a lot "better" than he used to be. I found reassurance and just getting older was the best. Also once he was old enough to understand I explained it a bit and said how it's normal to be shy, that most people are a bit shy etc etc.

Was going to say it's annoying when other people point it out,- but I think best again is just to acknowledge "yes, she's a bit shy", but then give the vibe to your daughter that it's ok- you are there for her, you do not require her to change her behaviour- unless she feels able to- no pressure-. I would often say to my son, "just stay with Mummy if you are shy, then when you feel like it you can join in".

Really at 2, even 3 they are very young for joining in with other children and best they come to it when they are ready. Just because other children might do it does not mean your child is ready to do it especially in "foreign" environments.

My son joined in with close friends from 1.5/2, but didn't join in with others at nursery etc until nearer 4.

Tgger you're right - I need to support her and encourage where it seems appropriate. Some of it is about her establishing her relationship to people. There's a load of lovely kids (aged about 3-9) who play outside - she's really curious and interested, but doesn't quite know how to approach them. So she said to me today, 'go and say hello to the boys and girls', but when I said, 'ok', she said 'no, not go and say hello', so I just told her that was fine and that we would say hello another day...is this the kind of approach I should be taking?

I think the smaller groups at nursery isn't going to happen - I don't think they are that responsive! I might put her name down at a very popular local childminder which would involve fewer children...but I'm sure she'll be ok in time. I don't think that she lacks confidence really.

maryz - thank you so much for that! she sounds lovely. DD is a wonderful child and happy and I am sure she will work it out in her own way - I am perhaps more worried than I might be about her relationships with her peers as she comes from a same-sex family and will (sadly) need her wits about her as she grows older

Yes, I agree with maryz. Ignore it as far as the awkwardness goes and support.

Yes, I think you are spot on with your "we'll say hello another day", she'll come to it when she is ready.

Most important is to give them confidence to be themselves and then they will fly (well that's my idea )

I realise this is an 'old' thread but just really wanted to put my 2 cents because it's a topic lose to home.

I was a timid and frightened kid (all the time), but now realised that it was probably a deeper issue as I had absent parents and moved around frequently, felt emptiness all the time, as well as never having any friends at all. I used to hate being called shy. I would've loved to have people be more patient with me and show me the way instead of slagging me off.

I think it would really help if you don't label your child shy and try and stand up in a postitive and encouraging way when other people bring that term up infront of your child. Your child would start forming an identy as a shy person and would have internal struggles and put pressures on themselves. That ironically would lower their self esteem, especialy since shyness is seen as an undesirable trait. If people say your child is quiet, just say that they need a bit more time to warm up to people, or needs a bit more time to suss people out because they are careful, rather than say 'yeah she/he is shy'. Believe me, each time a child hears that and realises the negative meaning behind it, he/she is taking a blow to their self esteem. Some children might be able to overcome that, but others won't and it would be paving the way for a shy life ahead. Positive encouragements are better than negative ones. For example encourage them to say hello to people instead of saying things like 'oh she won't say hello because she's shy'.

I hope this helps.