My daughter will suffer because of the way I look

[katjuska]

I was born with condition that had huge physical impact on the way how I look.
Throughout my childhood I was pushed away by other kids and called ugly. Even my parents rejected me and didn?t know what to do with me.
I moved to London 5 years ago to start over. Got my first job as analyst and l was over the moon. After only 2 months l was called in by my manager and told she has received complains that l failed to communicate with co-workers in team and that everybody?s job suffers because of it. I told her I am trying very hard. She knew I joined all team drinks, was sending friendly emails and thank you notes but no one responded. I was good friend with 3 other people who started with me at the same time. Because they were sorddof forced to spend training time with me and environment was relaxed and loads of time to make friend in the end they started liking me and I spend all free time with them. Then she said Yes well, its your look that makes people not want to approach you!
I was shocked. I still am. Left that job straight away.
Since I have been only doing part time jobs that don?t require me to deal with people.
But I have become a mother since.
But l failed to make any friends with any other mother.
Although I am running crazy every day to visit playgroups and playgrounds it just doesn?t happen.
I?ve been visiting same playground and see mothers meet and chat and their children play with each other. I try to talk to them but nothing.
I am heartbroken. I cry all the time.
My little is now all the time asking me Mummy see boys and girls!
All she wants is to play with other children.
But I started to find it harder to go out and just sit there alone ignored.

I am afraid my daughter will suffer.
I am afraid she will too reject me and resent me for being so anti-social.
Now to make it all worse my husband started putting pressure on me to find friends for my daughter?s sake.

But how do you find friends when no one wants to even give you a chance?
:(

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.you're obviously trying really hard and doing all the right things such as going to play groups etc. Do you think you've been proactive in approaching people to chat to them? I've found that it is very easy for me to go through a whole toddler group and not talk to a soul, unless I go and sit next to someone and start chatting about what the children are playing with, or the weather or whatever.

Oh I'm sorry :( That must feel awful. Are there any other mums that you talk to at all? Could you invite one of them over?

I am gobsmacked that you have no friends and not making any mummy friends. I find there are some people who can judge/recoil/make you feel damn horrific but there are people who see past the visual and see the person.

Blimey.

A question that doesn't mean to upset you honestly - have you accepted your disfigurement ? Well, as much as you can.... It seems to me those who have managed to mentally do so seem to flourish, advance on quicker. Obviously all have 'bad' days but seem to bounce back easier. It's annoying to be upfront about it but otherwise it can turn into the 'elephant in the corner'.

Is there a support group you belong to? There are groups out there to help.

How old is your daughter? Will she be starting nursery/playgroup soon? Cos if so that is the socialisation for her sorted out. Then from there you will make friends with parents. But I know that's not really the point - it's about now.

If your DH is complaining then he'll have to step up the mark and come with you both to parks, play areas etc and see whatcis happening himself.

Now don't be offended by this because it's only a silly thought - are you 'clingy' when you make a friend? If making friends has always been an issue, it's common to go OTT.

And when at toddler groups the kids aren't ignoring your daughter are they? Kids just get on with it, they don't do ignore like adults.

OP I am so :( for you. I have worked with people with disfigurements and people can be utter, utter twats. I am sorry you have been treated so badly.

Could you contact a sympathetic HV/family outreach worker on your local team and see if they can suggest any friendly groups?

Groups where there is more of a "purpose" might feel easier too, eg signing, music, dance. You're not just sitting around trying to make conversation in those groups.

You won't always "click" with the other parents and you will undoubtedly encounter some more f*ckwits on the way, but you know that you've got every right to enjoy yourself and that you WILL make friends eventually.

Get yourself psyched up, wear your favourite outfit and go in with your head up. Be friendly, don't apologise for yourself, and if people are bitches don't go to that group again (this has worked for me in the cutthroat world of mummies!)

I wonder if it would also help your confidence to do something without your DD, eg a short nightschool course or something, get you back into the swing of socialising?

But - your daughter will not "suffer" because of the way you look, she will grow into a wonderful woman who understands that true beauty comes from character, not looks.

Best of luck xxxxx

Your husband clearly finds you attractive so he's not going to understand that anyone else wouldn't. This might be why he's putting pressure on you....

To put it in perspective, it's very very hard to crack a friendship group. People who look like they came out of a Mummy Identokit can struggle to make friends in park playgrounds, and although I am very socially confident and assertive, i have neevr once made a friend in a park.

School playgrounds, some. Mostly friends of friends who have children the same age as mine.

I liked the Surestart groups, they are specfically run to be non judgemental, and are government funded so you don't get little mini Mussolinis running them. they are usually busy and also, staffed by staff who will talk to you if you are on your own. I turned an acquaintence into a friend at a surestart group.

RE your ex manager, some people are shitheads. how dare she accuse you of lacking social skills! She had a total social fail that day.

I am absolutely stunned and horrified by the way you've been treated at work. :(

You sound lovely and if I were in London I'd bring my son around. It would be a mn love-in!

There are horrible people out there but there are also lots of lovely ones who won't give a rat's arse what you look like - trouble is, how to identify them? And as others have said it's so hard to break a "group" - personally I find it hard enough to make friends as it is and you don't always like people just because they have kids the same age.

If you're ever in The Netherlands please give me a shout!

I don't want this to sound stupid, but don't "try too hard" when you meet people either -I got told I was "too nice" and it put people off - which is a bitter pill to swallow, but then by making my own boundaries I was able to better find people who were a better match to me. What I mean is, even if I were really nice to you - you don't have to like me, you might still think I'm an arsehole! (loads do! )

Ok just saw your website and frankly you're going to have to try yaaaaaay harder than that! (Wink) seriously, you live in London - not a tiny village in Norfolk.

Of course there will be a look that a lot of mum aspire to (thread on style and beauty right now about uniforms) - but most of us are normal and busy rushing around hoping nobody notices our stubble legs or toothpaste on top. Honestly, lots of us are nice and I for one am shamelessly unobservant! I once invited a girl to my birthday party. Someone told me after she was a pre-op transexual man, I honestly hadn't twigged. She must've thought I was a right wall.

Your daughter looks adorable and she must be a real ice-breaker. The other mums not talking might be equally shy or doubting. I live abroad and people think I'm stand-offish, I'm not, I'm just not totally fluent in the language and think people will judge me on my looks. We're all as bad as each other - take for example all those mums dressed the same ,what insecurities are they hiding behind the mask of "uniform"?

What an adorable little girl! :) I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Any chance you're coming the States anytime soon? You could definitely come round to play!

I think Alpine has some good ideas. I know what you mean about the yummy mummies...where do they find the time I wonder? I wear minimal makeup, jeans, long sleeved T-shirt, converse. Sometimes a scarf if I'm feeling extra fancy! :o And then all these mothers that looked like they just stepped out of a magazine...I don't even know how to do that. And I don't think I'd want to. Your daughter looks beautiful and happy, and you sound very nice. Keep it up!

have u tried going to playgroups or playgrounds in other areas? In London you dont have to travel far to get access to so many different things, maybe meeting a different social group may help, you may have a different experience

also pl remember so many mums find it hard to meet people youre not alone so it may not be because of you or any other issue

i agree with pp you should refllect on whether youve come to terms with yr disfigurement as many people wont tink twice about it when they meet you despite the bad experiences youve had with stupid people that reaaly is true that people wont notice. But they will notice insecurities, or trying too hard as mentioned above

fwiw i have a friend who tries too hard to be friends and its put ne right off her. I find her too intense. Whereas if she kept a distance and let our friendship develop naturally we would be much better friends. So think about any subconscious messages youre sending off without even ealising it.

I wish you lived near me but I'm in Yorkshire! I have an eye problem that makes me frown all the time, and I try too hard too hard to compensate. I always look grumpy though in reality I'm very easygoing. But I have the same problem, people judge by appearances - how can they not? This weird woman looking grumpy in the playground! I second what redvelvet said though. Groups with a focus are a much better space for making friends than ones where there is less structure. My DD loved baby signing classes - she liked the singing!

hang in there!

I wish you lived near me, cause I would bring my daughter to play.

People can be so horrible. sorry you are having a hard time.

Hi,
My cousin has Marfan Syndrome as well, so I am very familiar with all the symptoms etc. She also has a little girl, unfortunately they do not live near you which is such a shame.
People can be so quick to pass judgement and base people on their looks, which is comletely shallow and not the kind of people you would want to be friends with anyway!!!! HAve you signed up for many groups with your daughter?! I take my son to gymboree which we have met some lovely mum's through.
Had a quick look at your website and your daughter is gorgeous!!!
My cousin and her husband are in the process of making an independent documentary on Marfan Syndrome! Do you have an email address and I can pass it on to them and they could certainly get in touch!
Take care,
Lx

Actually I suspect that your physical appearance has nothing to do with it - though I can understand that given the prejudice you've experienced you tend to immediately think this is the reason.

You need to get involved with specific things, not just sitting on a park bench hoping someone will reciprocate a smile or hello. Get in touch with the council and find out about playgroups etc for your dd that you don't have to pay above the early years grant for, School nurseries shoudl be free for example. The get involved with how they're run! Yes it's bloody hard if you're shy but sometimes you just have to leap in there. Volunteer for specific tasks, then you have to talk to other people.

Or there may be something else, a church group, NCT group, charity group - doesn't matter what it is, you just need to integrate yourself into the community somehow.

Good luck!

Just wanted to add, like I said, my cousin has the same condition, and she has never found that that this has held her back in anyway interms of making friends, in fact she is the life and soul of the party and has always had a very sociable lifestyle with many friends. Maybe you just need to get out there a bit more, be a bit more chatty, which I know is easier said than done, but don't give up just yet!!!
Lx

Are there any support groups for people with your condition? You might find it helpful to talk to other people who have it about how they cope and what they do, because if you are feeling bad and isolated anyway, sometimes it's hard to take advice from people who are 'normal' because you feel that they don't understand, whereas others who have been there may well be easier to talk to.

It sounds awful what you have been through with your parents and other children growing up and then your job . . . I feel so sorry for you that these are the people you have met.

I was wondering if counselling might be a good idea, to accept the way you are and build your confidence?

Your website is great! Also looks like a blog?

There's a great mummy blog culture out there and I belive you could make some fab links!

Check out mine
Thebutterflyexperience.wordpress.com

I've been away recently so mine needs an update.
I also havn some links to other blogs which you may find interesting

I am completely disgusted at the way you have been treated and reading about how everyone was making you feel just because of how you look brought a tear to my eye (I'm really sensitive)! That must be so awful that you feel so excluded despite trying very hard to make friends. I am a bit of a loner myself so can't offer much advice regarding making new friends as I find it difficult myself but I had noticed that you said you lived in London, my friend moved from here (Scotland) to London for work and in his first year there he made no friends (and he is naturally a really outgoing, friendly person), he said the people were so unfriendly and would just give him a scornful look and refuse to talk back if he initiated conversation, even after he became friends with a colleague and was invited out for drinks one of the colleague's friends came along and again refused to talk to him because he didn't directly know him. It could be that the people at the playgroups are unsure of starting friendships with people not from there? It is a bit drastic but have yous ever considered moving if yous are both unhappy?

hello all
pinkdaisy you can find our emails on my web and l would be happy to get into contact with other with same condition...I also have to tell you my husband has marfans as well! yes...however our daughter has been tested 3 times and she didnt inherit it - Thank you GOD!

for the rest shortly
we go to 2 playgroups
one church playgroup
we applied to state nurseries within 5 miles but havnet got place in any yet
on the playing ground l don't just around...l bring a bucket of charcoal and we draw me and my daughter and loads of children will join us and sometimes l bring ballons and l make balloon animals...but you know children like me however from women l only get looks...they come to ask me if their child can draw or play wilt balloons and l will ask them about how old is their child etc ...and the next day they come and just turn around or sit to the other side.

l am not shy...l need company...l like to chat...you dont have to be my friend but isnt it nicer to chat or just sit an hour doing nothing????
aparently not

people in london are unfriendly thats a fact...not all dont take it personaly :)

my husband is working very hard to move us to europe...today he will be presented with an financial award and now we hope he will get noticed...we aim to move before our daughter turns 5 so she can start school elsewhere cause frenkly l am terrified to put her to school here!!!!

thats about it