DS Hitting Me In frustration, He Has Complex Needs.

[TheMessiahNoAVery0tyMouseface]

Hello

DS is 2yrs next month. He doesn't talk at all and has GDD, along with other Complex Needs. He has a cleft palate and is under two seperate SALT teams.

Thing is, up until a few days ago, he'd just go and get what he wanted or bring anything he wanted me to do to me IYSWIM.

It's almost as if his head is racing infront of his mouth, he gets so very cross with me when I don't know what he wants.

It's starting to really upset me, I keep bursting into tears because I don't know what to do.

It's only been a couple of days but I need help. He hit DH this morning too. For the first time.

I'm going to call his SALT first thing on Monday but I wondered if there is anything I can do until she can come and see him.

I've also posted this in SN for children. Please, all idea welcome, I feel like I'm letting him down.

Not sure I'll be much help but DS2 who is delayed/Sn hits too :(

He lashes out as me, DH, DS1, GPs, anyone tbh.

He hits when he's told 'no' which I can understand but also hits when he hears something negative whether its aimed as him or not (eg Is it raining? no.) which can be very draining.
He's 3 and fairly solid so the hits can hurt, and if he's holding a toy he'll hit with that in his hand which obv hurts too.
He whacked my bump (38wks pg) the other day as I told him to come in from the car, or something innocuous. It hurt.

We are trying all sorts, lots of signing No & saying 'don't hit', we're trying to sit him down away from us/sort of time out but that doesn't always work with him.
We've also taught him the sign & word for 'sorry' but that's pretty erratic right now.

He's starting at the SN pre-sch at the end of the month and we hope they'll help get on top of it.

We are also planning to chat to the SN HV for the area for tips.
When we're out places and he hits other children it makes me want to cry, and when other children go running to their parents about him it's heart-breaking :(

Oh sweetheart (I've tweeked my name BTW) it's so hard.

DS claps his hands just once and says 'eh' for no. I am using very basic Makaton with him; yes, no, please, thank you and sorry. His SALT is excellent and a friend has recommended getting some PECs for him (picture cards for him to point to, so pictures of shoes if he wants his shoes on).

I really feel for you especially as you have another one on the way. Do you have some support? For when baby arrives? I'd also as for a community SALT to be brought into the picture, depending on how your area works, she/he can come to the house and get to 'know' your DS in his own surroundings.

Definately get your GP and HV on board with support for you and your family. I have a fantastic support network in terms of HCP but no family near to us.

Huge hugs xx

Thanks, we do have quite a bit of support, we have a p-t nanny who is his main carer/has been his one-to-one at the mainstream pre-sch he's been going to. She has infinite patience (unlike me lol!) :)

We've also got a Portage Worker (do you have them? ours is an angel) who comes weekly at the moment to play with him and try and push him along a bit.

He gets SALT too, and this will be more on tap at the SN sch as they are right next door.

He's actually DS2, I've also got DS1 who's nearly 5 who keeps us all cheerful as he doesn't tolerate any silliness from his brother!

Luckily DS2's speech is really coming along, we did have laminated pictures of things for a bit so do try them. And his understanding of behaviour is improving, albeit slowly.

No-one has any idea how he'll cope with the baby, he has no idea it's coming

He's on the list for Portage. It's a HUGE waiting list.

I don't envy the situation you are about to find yourself in. My DS has a meltdown if I even hold another child for a minute, which is a nightmare because 2 of my closest friends have babies.

Good luck, I hope that he is okay about your new arrival. Try not to worry xx [easier said than done emoticon]

The only thing I could add is that what you are posting sounds like very typical behaviour for 2 and 3 year olds that would happen anyway regardless of SN, it sounds like you are getting great help but don't despair, it will improve as he matures

mouseface I would push on with the signing. It does help once they get the hang.

Try lots of visual cues. Can you take some photos and laminate them. Drink/food/toy/park etc?

Visual timetables can be really helpful at this stage. Laminate a big card and stick velcro to it. Then you can stick pictures of what you are going to do that morning/day etc.
Bathroom/dressed/breakfast etc.
That way nothing is a suprise so less likely to set him off

I know these do not directly address the hitting but they may help as they can cut down on triggers.

Can you do an ABC diary for a while Anticedent (think thats the word! )/Behaviour/Conseqences

What happened to trigger him, what he did and what you did.
This can help you work out what is going on and what does and doesnt work.

You ARE NOT letting him down.

MrsD - hello btw, long time no chat

What you have posted is ideal. He now knows what he wants but not how to get it. Because I am and always have been his carer, I feel like this is the first time I couldn't fix something IYSWIM?

I'm at a loss of how to help.

I love the idea of a chart, and the ABC diary too.

It does seem to be little things that build and then boom, meltdown. He gets so upset, sobbing and reaching out for me. He won't let DH console him which both of us find hard to take.

It's all a bit of a mine field as to what's 'normal' and what's not because of this Complex Needs label that he's been given.

I have a 12 yr DD and really don't remember this phase but maybe that's because I'm over cautious about messing this up?

Mouseface - I'm never sure what's from the SN and what could be classed as normal toddler behaviour either. DS1 has always been pretty chilled and never really did the tantrum thing. Certainly never hit out.

We know certain things set DS2 off; taking off his coat &/or shoes as he loves being outdoors so any hint that he's not going back out is bad news for him :)
He has some weird obsessions with clothes atm, socks must be on at all times (luckily he tolerates bare feet in the bath!), long trousers & long sleeves (interesting coming into summer ), etc.
A short drive in the car - he wants every drive to be a long one.

Equally he'll tolerate other stuff remarkably well, meds, being left to play on his own, pottering in the garden on his own, etc. And is getting better with strangers & strange situations.

DS is like that, JustKeep, he has only just, about 4 weeks ago, let me put shoes on. They are sandels, not closed shoes. He hates socks, gloves and anything plastic on him, like water play capes.

But he'll sit for hours lining his cars up, watching a dvd over and over etc.

I'm going to call his SALT on Monday to see if she can come out and hlep with the things MrsD suggested.

Hi mouse. At this age it is very normal to become frustrated if your needs are not understood. Hence 'the terrible twos'. When you have a child with additional needs these phases are often longer and more intense.

It makes sense to use extra tools to help him communicate. Thats where the signs and visual cues help. These sorts of behaviours almost always improve as communiction skills develop.

It is also really hard to keep track of what is going on when things are difficult behaviour -wise so the ABC chart helps you to look back on the day and see what could have been done to avoid meltdowns.

Its always hard to pick apart what is NT behaviour and what is down to a child's delay or disability. TBH it doesnt really make that much difference (although I know that feeling of wanting to know!). It can be scarey thinking 'is it going to be like this for ever?' Fingers crossed hey?

Hark at me sounding all offical and professional

MrsD - thank you thank you!

Everything you have typed out makes perfect sense, almost as if you 'know us'.

I'm going to call his SALT team in the morning.

Thank you for all of the posts you lovely MNers.

Thank you

I am a portage worker and have an 8 year old DS with LDs and ASD.

So I've seen a fair bit of challenging behavour

Hope it helps. Nothing works like magic but if you can ease the situation that something isnt it?

Let us know how you get on with the SALT. If you have a local SN school you could ask if they have an outreach worker who can visit or some areas have nursery nurses who can come out and give you some tips. They might be able to help with the resources i.e. symbols and pictures, laminating and velcro.

Its really hard to know what anyone is offering at the moment because so much is going on in the public sector.

I know re the issues with cuts within the public sector.

I just hope that one of his SALT teams can point us in the right direction.

Thank you again for answering my OP

MrsD - i didn't know that you were a Portage Worker - well done you! And thanks for all your hard work, ours is so fab. The worst thing about DS2 starting properly at the SN sch next term is she will stop coming :(
But we will still see her at a weekly sensory playgroup she helps with & at her own (their) playgroup that's every fortnight.

Mouse - hope you can come up with some ideas that work :)

Thanks JustKeep

I'm not firing on all cylinders today, tonsillitis. Never rains eh?

Thank you Just. I love my job. Its all over the place at the moment. We are losing our manager . We need a bit of a shake up though and hope we can move on in a positive way. Portage is a very popular service but there is hardly any understanding of it so it is vunerable to cuts and innapropriate changes.

i.e. wouldnt save money if you just got all the parents to come in and see them as a group?

Which sort of misses the point of a home visiting, individual, long term provision

Mouse - yuk to tonsilitis, hope you're better soon.

MrsD - I have to admit to never even hearing of Portage before DS2 had problems. Another MNer recommended the service to me so then we found out about it.
at getting together - we do that at the portage playgroup & whilst fab in its own way does not address individual needs. Hope you get a good manager who doesn't mess things up too much.

Portage is MASSIVELY important to Nemo, (our nickname for DS), there's no way I can do this on my own.

My fear is that we'll get to the top of the list, and the service will no longer be available.

Such a bloody shame. But then again, it's all about money these days, not what the children and young adults need.

I hope not mouse
There is hope. In our borough the only services that were supposed to survive were the statutory ones - OT, Physio etc. Anything extra was for the chop.
Even 'they' recognised the importance of portage and the fact it is uniquely placed to help families.
We are there every week. We are allowed to advocate, we are allowed to befriend (to a certain extent), we are not connected to SS so parents often allow us in when they will not engage with any other service and we are POSITIVE.
So we have been saved for now. This government is supposed to be all about early intervention and that is exactly what portage is.

So here is hoping that Nemo gets his portage soon