Imaginary friend's arrival coinciding with fall out with friend

[thereisalightanditnevergoesout]

I have 4 DCs - 2 girls and 2 boys.

DD2 is 4. She has known this little girl her whole life and considers her to be her special friend (I know it's unlikely to be like this forever). She's also 4 but 4 months older.

They go to the same pre-school and are likely to go to the same infant school if DD2 gets a place there.

Recently, DD2 has been coming home saying that her friend said that she isn't her friend anymore. And I also witnessed at a party a few weeks ago this friend shouting at DD2 that she wasn't her friend and she didn't want to play with her, while she ran around with another girl from pre-school, and both were excluding DD2. Obviously, DD was very upset. Her mum was good - and tried to correct her daughter, saying that it's fine if you don't want to play with someone, but there are nicer ways of saying it.

Now I know this is all normal. I remember it from my school days (though I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now). Today when I picked DD up from nursery I read the communication diary and I discover that this is going on at school, too. DD is lost, apparently, and doesn't seem to know what to do with herself. I feel really sad for her.

I know that they are only 4 - this is going to happen again and again for years.

I know that it's good for her to have lots of friends.

I know that she's a friendly, out-going little girl and has so far seemed quite robust.

I know that she can make friends easily and is quite confident.

So today, she's told me she's got a new friend called Wendy and only she can see her. I've had to lay a place for her for dinner.

Like I said, I feel really sad for her.

Would you be worried, too?

I wouldn't worry in the slightest. Your DD has found a herself a solution to a problem she'll come across again in the future. She sounds resilient and resourceful and a credit to you. Don't discourage her but don't get sucked in either. Hopefully soon a new friendship will come along and the imaginary friend will fade.

My DS is going through a very similar situation at the moment. It could have been me writing the post because even the party bit is the same. It was actually his birthday party and i was very upset for him at the time (he was less upset than me).

Anyway - I've just been taking DS to the park with other children from his nursery and asking other children round to the house and he now plays with them instead of his old 'best friend'.

DS does seem a bit confused about why his old 'best friend' is no longer a friend at all really and they have actually become quite antagonistic towards each other and DS will go in now feeling a bit defiant towards old 'best friend'.

I feel really confused by all the goings on in 4 yr old relationships - so I've just decided to let things work themselves out and try not to worry. But I feel happy having got DS to socialise with other children because at least I know he's not feeling lonely at nursery.

Thank you for your kind words, Al1son - yes - I think she probably will be OK. I think she is resilient and resourceful.

I'm sorry that your DS is having the same trouble, skewiff. It's horrible. I know I feel helpless but I suppose it is a life lesson, but I don't want her to have to learn that life's like that.

I think that I'm more upset about it than she is.

I'll definitely invite some other children from her nursery round and build some foundations there, but I htink you're right, there is an element of leaving things to work themselves out.

Actually - after writing so confidently to you yesterday, I've been in floods of tears this evening. (I am 38 weeks pregnant and my son does also have mild cerebral palsy so it was about a whole mixture of things). But predominantly it was about this whole friendship thing.

Today DS went fully back on to chasing and stalking his old best friend at nursery and then in the park afterwards. I think it was started because the best friend's mum gave DS a present for his birthday, a month later than the birthday and DS had been thinking that best friend had forgotten. He was all excited and thinking that the friendship was back on and chased best friend all day only to be told in various ways to go away and leave him alone.

What really gets me is that DS does not seem to understand that 'leave me alone' does actually mean that. He is very persistent and cannot take no for an answer.

DS said to me that he just wanted to be friends with his best friend again like he was when they were little (meaning a few weeks/months ago).

I worry that his future friendships will be affected/founded on this strange relationship. And/or that he'll learn to feel like a person who is not likeable through the experience.

Not sure ... today I feel a bit sad about it all - but by next week hope to feel better again.

Oh yes - and DS has suddenly made an imaginary friend up too. Its just called friend and changes from a girl to a boy depending on what DS wants it to be at the time.

Hi skewiff - I hope you are feeling better, today. It's rotten to be so worried, especially when you're 38 weeks pregnant.

I know exactly what you mean about not understanding 'leave me alone'. I'm not sure that DD understands that either. To her, her friend is wonderful and is her best friend ever so can't quite register that her friend just isn't interested.

DD's imaginary friend is called Wendy. We have to lay a place for her at the table. She seems to be less prominent at the moment.

We find out next week if DD's got her place at primary school. If she does, it'll be with her friend. Some part of me is hoping she doesn't get a place there so that I can homeschool her. I feel like I really want to protect her from all this silliness. The thing is, I actually think she's robably more able to mix with more people than most children (she's number 2). She's quite outgoing and fun and I think she'll be quite popular. She's also very loving and kind.

I suppose we'll jys have to wait and see.

I'm here if you need to talk things through :)

sorry for all the typos - fingers not working

That's funny - I really wanted to homeschool DS, but have somehow chickened out of it. I was thinking just this evening that I wished that I could do it still and wondering whether I ever will.

DS has got a place at the same primary school as his old best friend - it is a large school, so I am going to see if they can not be in the same class - just can't bear all of this for another load of years.

Best friend has definitely decided that he doesn't want to have anything to do with DS anymore. And DS is playing on his own this week (but feeling sad about it, he says) - somehow his confidence has been knocked out of him and he seems to feel he can't play with other children if he's not with best friend as well.

DS is like your DD and is usually very confident and sociable - he is very good at getting on with a variety of children and is easy going. That's why I don't want him in the same class in the same school. I want him to have a chance to be himself again.

I think what happened at the beginning was that DS and best friend clung onto each other a bit too intensely for that early sort of security and now best friend doesn't feel he needs the security anymore, whilst DS possibly does or has just got used to enjoying playing with what he thought was a good friend.

Oh - I don't know. DH says I'm worrying too much and that it will all blow over. Which I hope it does.

Thank you for your reply before.