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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How can I stop my daughter from being so selfish, egocentric and competitive?

19 replies

mummyloveslucy · 05/04/2011 20:50

Hi, my daughter has just turned 6 and has been home educated since Christmas. She is also developmentally delayed by 2 years.
She has become very demanding off attention, she always wants to be first and to win, even if it's not a race. If my DH gives me a cuddle, she'll try to get between us saying " no, cuddle me". If he even referes to us as mummy and Lucy, she'll but in and say "no, Lucy and mummy, say me first". It's getting rediculus! My DH always laughs it off and jokes about how stubborn she is.

At school she had pretty low self esteem and knew she was at the bottom of the class accademically. We've tried to boost her confidence, but it's gone from one extreem to another. It's hard to even have a conversation sometimes as she's always butting in, then just rabbiting about anything she can think of, just to get our attention back on to her.

It can be hard work when she's like this, especially as she's with me all the time. It would be nice to just have a cuddle with my DH or have him say something nice to me without her having the screaming ab-dabs.

She isn't like this with other children, she shares and plays nicely and is very caring to younger ones. She makes friends very easily, so she can control it! She dosn't have tantrums if she dosn't win against her friends, she'll say "well done".

Has anyone experienced this? I hope it's a phase. I'd be gratful for any advice as I'm not sure how to handle it.

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 05/04/2011 21:12

bump

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 05/04/2011 21:20

I'm off to bed now, but I'll look to see if any kind people have left messages in the morning.

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BelleDameSansMerci · 05/04/2011 21:28

I honestly do think it probably is a phase... I think it sounds quite normal although I have no experience of developmental delay. Perhaps she's just flexing her new found confidence (which would be great, really, given her experiences at school). Maybe she's enjoying the difference?

I'm sure this isn't necessarily a great way to look at things but those traits would stand her in good stead in later life!!!!

Tgger · 05/04/2011 22:57

It sounds pretty normal if you take the developmental delay into consideration. I would just roll with it for now as the change to being home educated is still fairly new and you all must be adjusting still.

If you're not happy rolling with it then I would gradually get some boundaries in in regard to her interrupting/when she can come between you and DH for a cuddle etc etc. If she's getting plenty of attention at other times there shouldn't be a problem settting these boundaries if you are consistent. And you need to agree them with your DH so you can be strong together as little people can be very manipulative otherwise!!!!

Good luck!

NameChange1234 · 05/04/2011 23:52

TBH your thread title comes across as if you're quite negative about what are fairly normal traits in a child. I'm sure she can be infuriating though.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 07/04/2011 19:34

Thanks everyone, sorry I haven't replied sooner. I'm getting so tired in the evenings.
I hope it is a phase, possibly adjusting to being at home. I have introduced a "talking card", when one of us is talking we hold the card so she can't interupt. That way we don't have to keep telling her to stop butting in, we can just show the card. She gets her turn with the card too. She just dosn't like handing it back. It is working well so far.
I like the idea of using her competitive nature to our advantage too.

NameChange, I did feel fairly negative when I wrote this. I didn't think it was that normal either, not to this extent anyway. I'd had a pretty bad day.
Hopefully she'll grow out of it and in the mean time, I'll just try not to let it get on my nerves too much.

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dikkertjedap · 08/04/2011 13:46

I think that her behaviour is pretty normal especially given her development delay. I also think that she has become so confident chipping in in conversations. I don't think a talking card at limited and specific times of the day would be necessarily damaging but I would be very careful as it can kill spontaneity and also seems to give a message that you need to have permission in order to speak. Language development is so crucial at this age. Anyway, good luck.

dikkertjedap · 08/04/2011 13:47

I meant to say, that I think that it is great that she has become so confident, feeling able to chip in in conversations.

colditz · 08/04/2011 13:47

She'll grow out of it.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 08/04/2011 19:50

Thanks, this new confidence has come all of a sudden. It is a good thing in a way, but it can still be very annoying and draining.
Her therapist recommended the talking card to stop her butting in all the time. It seems to be working o.k at the moment. Time will tell.

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theotherhand · 08/04/2011 21:53

How can her new confidence be annoying? She's a child, finding her place. I find both your title and the way you speak about her really quite odd. And negative.

purplepidjin · 08/04/2011 22:10

Chances are, with development delay, she's got "stuck" at this bit for a while. She'll learn and grow out of it with time.

In the mean time I like your idea of the card. You could also make it clear who's turn it is to talk - turn taking games like snakes and ladders or jenga would introduce this in a fun way.

From a school point of view, it sounds like they were total shit not very understanding of her needs. If you'd like her to be able to access mainstream education, you can request Statutory Assessment (appeal if they turn you down the first time) and start the procedure for a Statement of Educational Needs (apologies if you've already gone through all that). Then find a decent school - surely no child should be made aware that they are "bottom of the class" at such a young age

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 09/04/2011 08:54

theotherhand- If you were to look after her for a week, then you'd be feeling the same way. It's not so much the confidence it's the fact that she can never seem to stop talking and demanding that you play her games exactly the way she wants them. She'll tell you what to say and do and if you get it wrong, she starts crying and having a tantrum. She is still very hard to understand as her speech is so delayed, so you have to spend every minute with her concentraiting hard to work out what she's saying. She dosn't like you saying "uh-hugh" or "oh right" as she needs to make sure you've understood. Sometimes what she's saying just dosn't make sence either. She gets very worked up if she thinks you've stopped listening even for a few seconds!
If she wasn't like this all the time, then maybe I'd deal with the change in behaviour better.
I am not a negative or odd person and I doubt anyone could love a child more than I do my daughter. I've devoted my life to doing what's best for her. I don't have any free time appart from the evenings and by that point I'm knackered anyway.
No one can get the full picture just by something I post on MN. We do have a lot of fun together, playing, cooking, bouncing around the house on space hoppers etc. No ones going to start a thread saying "we have the perfect child and have so much fun together" are they?

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 09/04/2011 09:10

PurplePidjin- The school was total shit as far as my daughter was concerned. They didn't have a clue! The called me in most days saying she's not doing her best or paying attention etc. They even left her alone to struggle to get dressed and miss her dance lesson.

I never realised quite how badly it effected her until she came out of the school. She gets nervous if we drive past the school and she wanted loads of reasurance in the early days that she wasn't going back there.

I did mention flexi schooling to her. I asked her if she'd like to go to the school her best friend now goes too just for 2 days a week. She started crying and saying "no, please don't send me to school!" It's a shame it's left her with such a negative feeling about all schools.

I think the reason she was aware that she was bottom of the class is because they has year 1 and 2 combined. She had 15 children in her class who were all very bright. She was the only one with LD. Most of what the teacher was saying was over her head. The other girls used to baby her too, offering to feed her at lunch time and do up her coat etc. It was very sweet of them actually, but it's bound to add to her feelings of not being as able as the others.

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Sparklyboots · 09/04/2011 11:56

I wouldn't be in a hurry to assert with her that she can't be first all of the time atm, because she got that lesson in spades at school - instead, try to help her to learn that it's okay to come last, that everybody still loves you and wants to play with you even if come last. I wonder if she just needs to feel top for a while, after the traumatic schooling? I'd suspect that once she's re-established her sense of self-esteem, she'll get over it a bit, but in the meanwhile, why not try and engage her in competitive games? She may need to win lots, but if you, DH and she all play, you and DH can model 'losing' a bit. The 'loser' could pretend to be upset, and LO and the other non-loser could comfort the loser. To develop, loser could not get upset, but ask, "do you still love me?" and little one and other player could reassure. Build towards saying 'you are the loser but we still love you' at the end of competitive game... Let your LO choose the game - races or something simple, whatever she likes, and use it to help her process the feelings of being 'last' or being the 'loser'. Also, if she gets to 'win' at home most of the time at the moment, it might make it easier to feel okay to come last outside of the home...

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 09/04/2011 13:41

Thank you Spartlyboots. That is a great idea. She probubly is feeling like she needs to be the winner for a while. We will definatly try letting her win and comfort the loser, that's a lovely idea. Hopefully it'll re-enforce in her mind that it's o.k to lose, without actually having to lose.

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SXMummy · 12/04/2011 09:51

Just a thought but is her butting in to conversations between u and dh just a way of getting attention? If she is with u soley most of the time perhaps she's just asserting herself a little to her dad? (Mums important but not as much as me!) Kids seem to get a little jealous of any attention not about themself when very young so I think it's a phase. Sounds like she's ok with other kids so unless im missing something I don't see a wider issue. Probably the grown up talk just doesnt interest her as much! Could be as simple as not talking about her (but not involving her) when she's in front of you?

orangina · 12/04/2011 10:11

I read your thread title, and thought "hmm, I wonder if she is 6 years old?"..... this sounds EXACTLY like my dd who is exactly as you describe. Developmental delay not an issue here, but all the other competitive and egocentric behaviour. Plus she has to SHOUT everything.

Am so glad that it isn't atypical of this age group! I do worry that if she is the same with her school friends, they are not really going to want to play with her if all they hear is "I can do it better/faster/longer.... it's easy, look at me....." etc.

Or maybe they are all saying it to each other?!

FattyAcid · 28/04/2011 18:51

mummyloveslucy did you ever read "Playful Parenting"? I am constantly raving about this book on mumsnet and I mentioned it to you before under a different mumsnet ID!!
It explains about why its good to let your child lead in games and why they like repetition and the value of letting them win etc etc

For me, it dissolved the frustrations of playing with my child as I could understand why it was so important to her to play in a particular way, and also exactly what the benefits of me plaing with her in a certain way were to her - but also to me. It's my all time fave parenting book and I can't recommend it highly enough. I confidently promise you that your life and that of your wonderful dd will be happier if you read this book . if not I will promise to buy it from you for face value as a personal guarantee!!!

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