How do we deal with dd's lying?

[mablemurple]

DH & I are at our wits' end with dd's repeated lying. She is 10.5 in Y6 and over the last six months we have had a significant number of episodes where we have caught her out lying to us, mainly about going to her music lessons at school (extra curricular activity), attending band practice, what homework she had, going to homework club, that kind of thing. I find it really worrying that she is so plausible and the lies seem to come to her very easily.

We have told her repeatedly that if she tells the truth she won't be in trouble and we will try to help her, but if she lies then she will be in a lot of trouble. We have explained to her the importance of telling the truth, how difficult it is to live with someone who cannot be relied upon and the implications for her life as she gets older and wants more freedom if we cannot believe what she is telling us. None of this seems to sink in.

Consequently, I now find myself in the hateful position of doubting almost everything that she says. As an example, last week she did not manage to do some homework, but she said she would be able to finish it in the homework club. That same night, I asked her if she had finished the homework, she said she had so I thought no more of it. Tonight, I found a note in her homework diary saying that she had not handed in this piece of work.

I am perfectly happy that she takes the consequences at school of not handing in her homework or not attending her music lessons. It is the lying which I cannot abide. We have asked her if she wants to give up her music, but she is adamant that she does not want to.

Does anyone else have experience of this? Clearly is is some kind of communication problem that we have, but I cannot see a way forward at the moment. I don't want to be constantly checking up on her (and I think that would be counter-productive anyway, and not teach her any responsibility). Any advice would be much appreciated.

bump

I've had this recently with DS who is 10 next month. I think it's mostly related to when he doesn't want to do something, eg, lies about having washed his hands after the toilet because he thinks he will waste 30 seconds of playing football outside with his mates. Or his results in a test in school because he thinks we will be cross, even though he must realise we see the result in the Friday book.

Can you sit her down and explain it really doesn't matter about the music? Is she doing it because she thinks you want her to? Also the homework, is she struggling and doesn't want to disappoint you by having to seek help?

I really don't believe my DS is devious by nature, and we have had no problems up to now. I'm sure you are the same and it's a matter of figuring out what's in their heads.

hth

Hi Squirted, thanks for your response, she's definitely not struggling with her school work, so it's not that. We have given her lots of opportunites to say she doesn't want to carry on with the music, but I will talk to her again about it. However, I think it goes deeper than that and it's become almost a habit, like taking the easiest option at the time, although it has serious repercussions later when she is found out - she also lies about trivia such as hand washing or cleaning her teeth. I need to help her to stop it as I have to be able to trust her. Perhaps we are making too much of it? I don't know.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. Easiest option at the time!

Trying to be big and grown up, but also not wanting the responsibilities that go with it.

I have had this with my 10yo. If I find she's lied then I will physically check (eg is the toothbrush wet) for a few days. She find this embarrassing to be caught out so it pulls her up in her tracks.

Yes, DeWe, but it doesn't seem to have a lasting change in her behaviour.

I'm heartened to know that dd is not the only one doing this. Does anyone else have any experience with this, or can suggest some strategies, or tell me I'm expecting too much?

If possible, I would stop all the extra-curricular activities. This may remove her excuse for lying and would give you a breather. Given how young she still is and given how important it is that she learns to do her homework especially at secondary school, I would sit her down every evening before dinner to check whether she has done her homework. Not sure, but would a reward chart work or do you think that she is too old for that? It is also possible that her lying is a way of attention seeking.

Thanks dikkertjedap, I have been asking her what homework she has, and relying on her response, but I do need to physically check the homework book now, I think. It's not really the not doing homework, but the fact that it comes so easy to her to lie to us that I am cross about.

Stopping her music would be the absolute last resort. She does love it and she has worked hard on it since year 1 and if we stopped it I think it would be so hard to restart. If it was affecting her school work there would be no question, but she has two music lessons at school a week and she is in the top set for everything.
I have thought that perhaps she is attention seeking, but she is an only child and we do a lot together as a family, but maybe we need to reassess what we do.