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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Am I holding my DS back by not putting him into nursery?

21 replies

bozemum · 01/04/2011 13:35

I am a first time mum and often get paranoias that I am not doing a good enough job. Decided to stay at home as I love spending time with DS. Hes 18 months now and doing really well.

But he is super sociable. He 'chats' to everyone he meets and runs off in toddler groups to play with other kids. Desparately trying to copy the bigger boys. Which is all good.

But I am very shy myself. I have to put effort into going to these groups, cos it doesn't come naturally to me to make new friends. I don't chat to the other mums much, but DS loves going to them, so I make the effort.

I am just a bit worried that I am going to impart my shyness to him as he gets older and more aware. I don't know many other mums to invite them round for play at my house. But when I do DS is so excited to have them to visit it makes me feel bad that he doesn't get more chance to make friends.

I want him to have the confidence and security that I don't have. And I am wondering if he should really be starting nursery for this to get more sociable time. Or is it too young to be worrying about this much. And reassess when he's 2? I also worry that by starting him at nursery it might have the opposite effect of making him clingy, cos hes never really experienced being without me.

I'm quite prone to the attachment parenting thinking. Although he does sleep in his own cot. But any more experienced mums views would be welcome from anyone. And I just overanalysing this too much?

Thanks in advance.

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RitaMorgan · 01/04/2011 13:38

18 months is far too young to worry, just keep taking him to groups etc. I'd think again about nursery at nearer 2.5-3.

Original poster

bozemum · 01/04/2011 13:43

Thanks. So many people are pro-putting kids into nursery and going back to work. That I often feel a bit pathetic and that people will judge me. Especially if DS struggles to settle in nursery when he's older. I dread them all saying 'I told you so'

OP posts:

thinkingkindly · 01/04/2011 13:46

DD1 went to nursery at 12 months, and DD2 at 20 months. Both went for two days (though DD1 started on half-days). I found it really painful both times, and think DD1 struggled intermittently. Both have brilliant social skills - much commented on by friends whose kids are the same age. I think a lot of that was done to nursery. But I think we had a wonderful wonderful nursery. Ideally, I still would have sent them after the age of two, perhaps at three. So I wouldn't worry if you are in a position to keep your DS at home; lots of people say that it is best until the age of three. I would definitely send him then though.

In the meantime, I would continue going to groups etc so your DS gets a chance to interact with other kids.

All the best

moogalicious · 01/04/2011 13:47

Don't worry about it until he's 3 - that's when mine started nursery. Toddler groups are fine until then.

StewieGriffinsMom · 01/04/2011 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sam100 · 01/04/2011 13:50

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Plenty of time for nursery in the future! Schools do seem to like kids to have gone to some sort of pre school type environment as it makes their job easier when settling them into school. But this could be either nursery school at 4 if you have those (we don't in our area) or pre-school for a couple of sessions a week - usually 2.5+. My ds did not really like pre-school until he got past 3 - with hindsight he would have been better waiting to go until he was 3 - he started at 2. Trust your gut instinct and do what is right for you and your family - don't feel pressured to follow others.

Original poster

bozemum · 01/04/2011 13:55

Thanks. Its nice to have the reassurance. I think I just want to spend max time with him when he's little. So will stick with what I'm doing.
I've certain relatives who sometimes hint that what they did with their kids was better. And it makes it difficult to know if I'm doing the right thing.

OP posts:

HeavenForfend · 01/04/2011 13:59

It sounds like you're doing a great job. I'm quite shy and not at all sociable, and I worried about this when my dds were small - they're at school now and both popular and sociable, if not the most extrovert in the class. Neither of them went to nursery (though I forced myself to go to toddler groups).

I think as long as you're aware of the issue and make some effort to compensate, you will be fine. Did you ever see that episode of the child development programme with Robert Winston (can't remember the name, sorry) - there was a shy mum who had been very conscious of not passing her shyness on to her ds, so she went to groups etc. and he turned out v confident. It gave me heart at the time.

Bunnynamedstanely · 01/04/2011 14:00

Bozemum, sounds like you are doing a good job to me. My twins were at home with me going to a few toddler groups until they were 2 years 8 months. Settled straight into playgroup 3 times a week no bother.

Do what you think is right for your boy and don't worry about what other people do. IME Kids don't really make friends properly until they are 3 ish. My two are far more socially capable and confident than a number of friend's kids who've been in full time nursery since they were babies. I think much of it is due to personality.

Original poster

bozemum · 01/04/2011 14:09

Thanks. This makes me feel a lot better. I had quite a lonely time at school sometimes and don't want DS to have the same. I am hoping he takes after his dad who is excellent at all things social.

Heaven, I never saw the child development programme, but might see if I can find it online. Thanks.

OP posts:

AngelDog · 01/04/2011 19:24

Sounds like you're doing a great job to me too.

It's only been in recent years that it's become so normal to send children to nursery. When I was little, hardly anyone went to nursery - we just went straight to school at the age of 4 or 5. We all turned out normally. :)

tholeon · 01/04/2011 19:31

what angeldog said. I didn't mix with other kids regularly until I went to nursery school at 3, I think that was pretty typical at the time. I'm very sociable now!

Tgger · 01/04/2011 22:34

No, don't worry about nursery or pre-school until 2.5 or 3.

Playgroups are great. Maybe you could challenge yourself to make more friends at playgroups, as I think going round to each houses is great fun for both Mum and toddler . Just start by chatting a bit more, don't worry if it's just small talk about the kids, that's the stuff of playgroups then you may find one or two Mums you get on well with and can go from there.

Do you do any other groups like a music etc? These can also be useful for meeting Mums.

Good luck!

Katy1368 · 02/04/2011 18:21

Second that you shouldn't worry - my DD never has only just started pre-school at 2.5 2 mornings a week and has been fine. I have childcare but a nanny so one on one and that has never been a problem, both me and her nanny made sure to go to loads of playgroups and meet up with other mums/nannies and their kids. TBH I never liked the idea of nursery when she was small anyway. Ignore comments you are not holding DC back at all, you sound like you are absolutely doing the best for your child! Secure attachment to mum will result in a less clingy child in the long run - least that's what I think!

thinkingkindly · 02/04/2011 21:42

Just to add, OP, that everyone has an opinion on everything when you are a first-time mum. When you have a second, everyone leaves you alone. It is bliss! Honestly, just do what you want to do - parenting is more fun that way.

Firawla · 02/04/2011 22:06

I would stick with toddler groups and put him in nursery @ 3? Unless the mum is working I don't think many go before 3 so wouldn't say what you are doing is abnormal at all. Keep taking him to plenty of groups he will have as much chance as he needs for socialising, and it benefits you aswel to get to know mums and become less shy? whereas with him in nursery you wouldn't get that side of it for yourself

redllamayellowllama · 02/04/2011 22:15

I had exactly the same anxieties as you; I was worried that there was a lot that DS wasn't getting to do by being at home with me (despite toddler groups/ library sessions/monkey music). He went to nursery aged 2 for 2 days a week, 6 weeks after DD arrived. He settled with no problems whatsoever and loves his time there - it was at the right time for him.

For me, some of my anxiety was fuelled by friends whose DCs were in p/t or f/t nursery from a much younger age - they would tell me how much they felt their child was gaining from nursery and I would feel guilty that he was missing out by being with me. I can now see that they were perhaps over-compensating because of their feelings about their child being in nursery.

mosschops30 · 02/04/2011 22:15

I do think that children should spend some time away from mum or dad.
Dc1 and dc2 both went to childminders and were super confident, outgoing, and no problems when they started school, i would barely get a backward glance, however with no.3 i dramatically reduced my hours so i do one day a week and he goes to the ILs, and one night at the weekend so he is with dh. This has turned him into a clingy nightmare, i cant even have a pee without him freaking out.
I have just joined a new health club specifically for the creche, hes done 2 hours so far.

It doesnt sound like your ds is anything like that, but i do think time apart is good for mother and child

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 02/04/2011 22:29

Sounds fine to me dd3 22mths is at home with me and will be until her free preschool sessions start, I have done exactly the same for her 2 elder sisters and have had no problems (not even a tear) going into pre-school or school... If you get out to groups etc he is socialising and building his confidence every time you go.

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 03/04/2011 17:13

from what i have heard the evidence (that hated oliver james man...sorry if his name is wrong...writes for guardian, did mn webchat) is that one to one care is considered ideal before three. Also iirc before then children mostly play in parallel rather than together, as they can't yet imagine another persons perspective.

I too have heard lots of people say that putting their lo in nursery was the "best thing for them" but as in. all these situations we don't know what would have happened had they not gone to nursery. Plus ime people tend to look favourably on decisions they made in the past, even if they had little choice.

Mosschops, how do you know it's the having you around that made your dc3 clingy, it sounds like they get a good bit of time with others from what you write? Could it be being a third/the dc's nature/maybe you weren't as happy being at home and they picked up on it? All pure speculation on my part of course...but i'm just wondering what makes you so sure about the cause of the clingyness.

firstsupermum · 03/04/2011 17:25

my son is 2years now, he is not at nursery, i am just doing the same thing as you, taking him to playgroup, i dont like to go too, but just for him, and just 1 or 2 a week, i am not worried at all, i just put him in waiting list at the school for 3years, but it fine, dont worry at all, believe me, most of the parent who put their children at nursery at 1 year or younger, just because they dont have time to spend it with their children, (maybe working), but if you have time, play with him, take him out, playgoups, even once a week, its a great.

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