4.8 year old has become very clingy

[PavlovtheCat]

Is this normal/usual for a child to regress/have a sort of seperation anxiety as they grow older?

DD has always been a happy, confident little girl, went to nursery from 9 months no problems (1 day a week, gradually increased til finally at 2.5 by 3years old). She has always been fine being left with friends overnight (her godparents) who don't 'babysit' her, rather she has 'sleepovers' and loves it, has had the odd party over the last few months where she has been left for 1 hour or so and been fine, gone to a friend's house same age as her for a couple of hours (friend from school) without us there, all been fine. Not particularly shy or clingy by nature generally.

She has a brother aged 15 months. Absolutely no signs of jealousy, in fact she is very generous with him, she is kind, and considerate, shares treats with him, thinks about him when we buy clothes etc (brother would like this one mama' that kind of thing). We both (DH and I) make sure she gets 1:1 attention. She has taken having a baby brother come into her life in her stride and loves him dearly, and tells him all the time. She has the odd moment where she gets annoyed with him or wants her own space and we do our best to give her that space (she has a quiet place he is not allowed to go).

DS is quite demanding. Up to 12 months breastfed a lot (before 9 months, breastfed LOTS), and not sleeping well, but gradually over the last few months this is improving and now it is much improved, more and more time share with the whole family.

But DD has recently become clingy with me. Very clingy. She often gets upset when DH takes her to bed. And even when she is fine with it, it is not that she loves him taking her, it is acceptance that he is doing it. She wants me to put her in the car, take her out, hold my hand, be there with me everywhere I go. She is less confident doing things without me right by her, she tells me she loves me all the time (nothing wrong with that obviously but it has stepped up) and clearly seems less secure in me being there for her for some reason. She has also started to talk a bit more like a baby, but on purpose almost saying stuff like 'mamam take DD, mamam hold dds' hand' (talking in third person). If take her to school (normally it is DH) she clings to me although she loves school, but not for DH, she goes off happily. She tells me she misses me all the time. She asks if I will ever leave her and asks her not to as she will miss me so much.

Tonight she went to school disco, for 1 hour. I did not realise it was only one hour til i got there, i took her and a friend of hers, and friends mum was collecting them. Going to leave them there as both ok with being left, and when friends mum brought her home she said DD had been upset most of the time she was there as she missed me. She was apparantly really upset. Last week we left her at a birthday part with another friend, and she cried. I know I should not have left her (now) but she has been fine with this before now.

There has been one or two occasions when she has missed me and got upset when at school, but they calmed her fine.

Sorry for the long post. I am worried that something is wrong, that I am doing something wrong. She is so much less confident than she used to be.

Hi Pavlov! It sounds to me like you're doing everything you can. Has anything happened at school or in her wider social circle to make her feel insecure? Reason I ask is ds1 has a boy in his class who's dad very sadly died of cancer and ds has been asking constantly if we'll still be alive when he's a grown up, lots of questions about heaven and has been a bit more clingy than usual.
I'm sure this is just a phase your dd will come out of but I know how worrying it can be to see her feeling anxious or upset.
I'm very much in the Oliver James school of thought of 'love bombing' your lo when these types of situations arise. Some might say expose her more to being 'left' but if it were me I'd go the other way and stay with her (where possible, not school of course) until she feels confident and happy again and knows there is nothing to worry about. X

Sounds like she's growing up and her awareness has changed- become aware recently re being by herself rather than attached to you per se!.

Think this separation anxiety stuff goes in waves so her behaviour doesn't sound that strange, just strange for you as she hasn't exhibited it before (unlike a lot of children between 0 and 5).

If she's 4.8 then is she reception age? Not that long since started school? Even when they love it it's a huge change for them. My guess is this is what has caused some of this behaviour and it will calm down as she adjusts and can handle school better. My son is a bit younger 4 and 5 months so still nursery age- goes to "school" 2 days a week 9-3pm and 3 mornings. When he started in September he was quite clingy after the full days and said he missed me. He also loves "school" and thrives on it but at an emotional level still quite hard to deal with.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all, it's pretty amazing she hasn't had any clingy periods before this- it's just all coming now! Stay strong and re-assure whilst being upbeat and positive about the separations. Plently of cuddles/fun and happy family times (sure you have but just build on these even more at the moment).

Would also check nothing specific is upsetting her and then ride it out .

thanks ladies and hello to tamdin

She has been talking more about heaven, in particular about Nana who died when she was a baby. we talk about her, but don't refer to where she is as heaven, but 'up in the sky' from a young age. I sort of guessed she got it from school (in fact had meant to ask about it at parents eve but forgot!), maybe something has happened? She has not mentioned it, and we do talk a lot. Maybe I will ask her teacher on monday, just in case. Funny though, now I have thought about it, she said to me two weeks ago that she was at school and cried, and when the teacher asked her why she was crying she said 'because i want to give nana a cuddle and I can't because she is in the sky' and her teacher put her arms around her. so maybe they have talked about it at school.

I had sort of attributed it to DS coming along but she is just so secure in herself for the most part, and with him it does not seem in any way connected. Last night i felt bad about her being sad and missing me yesterday so went and slept with her upstairs and when she woke this morning and she heard DS wake up, she said 'shall we get up? i can take DS my bear', first thing she thought of!

I am definitely going to overboard with the love, and I will not leave her again anywhere for a while. Not til I am sure she will be ok. I am definitely not of the opinion that I should leave her more to overcome it, she will learn more by knowing i am there always if she needs me.

tgger I did think maybe this is a sort of delayed version of what younger children go through. She never had it, and we almost worried about it as often people talk about SA being an important developmental stage in a baby/toddler!

If it is developmental do you have any ideas why it might be that she is more clingy with me than DH? DH takes her to school in the mornings, I collect her in the afternoons, so that is mostly shared. I work, and DH does not, but that is when she is at school so even though I often stay later than anticipated, i am mostly always able to collect her (occasionally DH does, but not often). DH and I do alternate weeks doing reading with the children on an afternoon, and I have gone on a couple of school trips so it is not lack of either of our time which is why she favours/is more clingy with me than DH.

Don't get me wrong, she loves daddy and loves being with him and enjoys his company and is not wanting me instead of him in general, for example they have just gone out to do some stuff in preparation for Mothers Day, but she would not let me have a lie-in this morning (up with DS a lot of the night) because she wanted me to get up with her and not daddy. She wanted me to make her toast and not daddy, etc.

DH said maybe it was her starting to recognise herself as a female, and wanting to be with me as she is starting to identify with me as another female - she often says 'daddy can look after ds and we can do xxx'. So last night, I let her stay up after DS went to bed, and DH had gone out and we made a bead necklace together for half hour.

Watching this post with interest as my DD 3.10 is just like this. She used to love nursery and now all of a sudden wants to stay home with me. She just wants to be with me all the time and wants me to do everything for her. Her behaviour is not great either which again is not like her and I just can't figure it out. I'm going to try the love bombing thing and just hope it's a passing phase. I do remember DD1 being a bit tricky at age 4 and I used to say I never had terrible twos I had terrible 4s so maybe DD1 is going through the same. Glad to know I'm not alone!