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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

13 year ds has punched me in the shoulder

8 replies

MiseryGutts · 31/03/2011 14:48

during argument this morning before school.

He is really gentle and sweet but I suppose with a hot temper. Not unlike me, but I don't punch.

I don't know how to discipline him. My guess is he will be contrite after school but I think it needs more than "sorry" "ok".

Feel really crap. Help?

OP posts:

Original poster

MiseryGutts · 31/03/2011 14:52

He will be home from school soon. I should have posted earlier but really would appreciate some help or suggestions on how to play things, what to do.

He's not normally violent at all. I sort of feel he's crossed a line and I feel lousy about it.

Please - any ideas as to what I might do / say?

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 31/03/2011 14:52

What sanctions do you normally use? Does he have a mobile, a tv or a computer?

I would start by taking something away from him that he values and talk to him about violence.
Ask him how he thinks you feel after after an incident like that and that it can never happen again.
Has he witnessed violence in the home?

Original poster

MiseryGutts · 31/03/2011 14:58

No we have a good relationship, certainly never any violence here, my husband is supergentle and while I do get annoyed with the children I would never ever hit them.

He knows violence is wrong, I know that, I suppose it can't hurt to have a reinforcing discussion of that.

Yes I can take his ipod thing away. He doesn't have a tv or computer.

I feel like giving him community service!!

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 31/03/2011 15:05

Anything that gets the message home really. Try and focus on the impact his behaviour has had on everyone.

You could threaten to call the police if he assaults you again -plenty of parents do (though it usually after sustained abuse).It is still domestic violence.

Talk to him about the impact of having police involvement on his career/education choices.

Original poster

MiseryGutts · 31/03/2011 15:08

Call the police? I couldn't do that. I couldn't even threaten to.

Oh dear.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 31/03/2011 15:12

I am not saying you should necessarily but that you would not be criticised if you felt you had no choice. If you tackle the incident swiftly and firmly he should get the message it is totally unacceptable to behave in this way.

There is nothing wrong in pointing out what could happen if he follows a pattern of behaviour.

If your DH punched you, at what point would you seek assistance?

Original poster

MiseryGutts · 31/03/2011 15:14

If dh punched me it would be different. He is a grown man and if he thinks it's ok to punch me he's a moron.

But I - we - are supposed to be helping ds to develop and grow up and understand what's right, wrong, appropriate, inappropriate, etc.

I suppose I feel ds's behaviour is down to a failing in me as a parent. I would feel dh's behaviour was all down to him iyswim.

He will be home in a few minutes. Scurry I really appreciate you appearing out of the blue and reading my posts.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 31/03/2011 15:21

Good luck.I expect he will come home very remorseful.

I would agree with being responsible for his behaviour as a parent, of course, but at 13 he is capable of independent thought and being responsible for his actions. A 3 year old is entitled to lash out in frustration at not getting their own way.

Hope it works out for you all (and get DH in on any discussion too).

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