Your top tips for dealing with tantrums

[JuliaGulia]

My b/g twins are 13mo and have just started to tantrum.
He only a little but her - OMG - she screams the house down whenever she doesn't get what she wants. I know I sound ignorant, but I just wasn't expecting it - not this soon and not this badly. She gets herself into such a state, screaming, rolling around and it can go on for ages - all because I put her on the floor or tell her no.

Is is best to ignore? I try and sit and play with her brother but I feel like I'm showing favouritism.

Please help if you can. With twins I want to try and nip this in the bud asap before he's copying her and I've got two to contend with!

Thanks
JG

I'm afraid that tantrums are a natural part of growing up and all children throw them to some extent.
As far as I'm aware there's no way to stop them entirely (I have certainly never managed to!) but you can deal with them in different ways.

Your idea of ignoring them and playing with her brother is a good one.
The most important thing is to NEVER give in to what the child wants. That only encourages the tantrums and reinforces them. It can be tempting to just give in to keep the peace, but that only makes them worse in the long run.

Ignoring the tantrum and the child is a good idea until she calms down.
In the worst cases of my dd's tantrums, I actually had to remove her from the room and shut a door in between us. I would then allow her back in and give her a cuddle when she finally calmed down.

Another tactic is distraction. This works really well with my DS, who is less stubborn than his sister. I can distract him with a game, a toy, food, or even by tickling him. He often finds himself laughing against his own will and then forgets about the tantrum altogether.

Tantrums are one of the hardest part of parenting, but don't despair. They are natural and unavoidable, not a sign of a problem with your parenting or your DD's behaviour.
The other thing to remember is that they, like everything else, are a phase. She will grow out of them, eventually!!

Ignore them. When they come around, pay them attention and tell them that you can't possibly help when they are crying, shouting, not listening etc.

Get up and leave the room if you can, taking the non tamtrummer with you.

ignore ignore ignore

try and cut down the number of nos -it can wind them them up - my childminder always says ah-ah-ah instead -
and if possible offer an alternative -that can work well -
and being put on the floor - well my DS2 also 13 months can get really upset by that when he is tired or grumpy - a sling might be an option sometimes

My tips would be

1. Ignore behaviour 2)Try distracting her with toy/game/looking at 'something interesting' outside etc 3)Try and avoid situations that can potentially cause tantrums eg over tired/hungry
2. Lots of cuddles when she's calmed down 5)LARGE glass of wine

As Ruth said tantrums are one of the hardest parts of parenting but inevitable and not a reflection on your parenting skills or your DD.

Yep completely normal. Try and see them as an overflow of emotions, rather than bad behaviour to stamp out. At such a young age, children cannot contain their emotions or express them an in "acceptable" way, so they scream and shout and hit and thrash about.

Sit with her, reassure her, empathise.

I shall try ignoring her but honestly I just feel that she'll carry on until she really hurts herself. Even in her cot she throws herself backwards hitting the wooden slats to hard she must give herself a terrible headache.

I've put a call into the HV as I starting to get very worried about her...it seems like she's on a knife edge all the time...

Yes, she may hurt herself when she gets too into her tantrum.
My DD used to do that too.
She'd throw herself on the floor and bang her head, which sounded like it should hurt, but never seemed to bother her. Try not to worry about it. Small children bang and bash themselves all the time. It's part of their daily lives and doesn't worry them as much as we think it should. If she hurts herself, she'll soon learn not to do it.

Honestly, although it's hard in the beginning to ignore, you will soon become hardened to the tantrums and you find yourself reacting to them less.

I find saying, "I'm going to go and make a cup of tea (or whatever) When i come back I want you to...... or X will happen." It allows them to give in to you without losing face and removes the confrontation element.

I'm very much of Justalittle's philosophy.

DS, now three, regularly throws massive wobblers in the morning because he's hungry.

1. Remember that tantrums at this age are their feelings completely overwhelming them, they're not doing them to annoy you or to get their own way. Validating the feeling back to them can help - usually in the cuddle stage rather than mid tantrum. "It's frustrating when you can't have what you want, isn't it?" "It's sad when we have to go home."

1. If she is going to hurt herself, move her to somewhere where she won't - keep a couple of blankets in every room which you can quickly lay on the floor and plonk her on if you have hard floors.

1. I wouldn't always say strictly ignore - I would say carry on with what you are doing, so if you're playing with your DS or she wants you when you need to clean or whatever, it's fine to carry on doing what you were doing and leave her to it. If it's something like in the middle of bedtime or when you are playing with her alone then I'd just stay nearby and be ready when she wants a cuddle. Usually, asking "Do you want a cuddle?" antagonises them but sometimes if I just stand near DS and hold my arms out he will come for one.

1. I also wouldn't say never give in - I know this is the "golden rule" of tantrums, but I tend to stick to never change your mind without good reason instead, ie it depends what they want. If it's something you've said no to for a reason, e.g. it's dangerous, or messy, or they want an ice cream just before dinner, then don't change your mind, but when they have calmed down and asked you nicely in a calm way you can e.g. turn a no into a delayed yes, e.g. "You can have ice cream after dinner." or offer an alternative "You mustn't kick the furniture, but you can kick a balloon. Now where is that balloon we had yesterday?" or explain why not "You can't have Mummy's tea because it is very very hot and it will hurt you."

But - if it's something that you would have said yes to if they asked nicely, like they are tantruming because they're hungry and dinner is late, or thirsty, or something harmless (they wanted the green cup but you've just picked up the blue one, but not put anything in it yet) then again, wait for them to calm down, get them to ask nicely, and then let them have it. You can adjust things as well e.g. DS might tantrum over wanting a biscuit when what he actually needs is some proper food. Once he's calmed down I ask him if he wants a sandwich and he usually says yes.

I know lots of people would disapprove of this and say that it would lead to children always having a tantrum because they know they get what they want, but I don't agree. I don't think tantrums are particularly nice for them either, I don't think they enjoy having them, when they are toddlers it's just that their emotions are very overwhelming for them and they can't control them, this is something they have to learn. What this method teaches (the asking nicely part at the end is important) is that the tantrum/"big feeling" makes no difference at all to the end result, but waiting out their own frustration or upset and asking nicely means they usually get what they want (within reason). And I've found with DS that he's started to head off his own tantrums before they get underway by remembering himself, sometimes with a reminder from me, but he stops and asks nicely, and usually he says "Sorry Mummy. Sorry I went shout." too. This isn't all the time, obviously - the times he tends to still tantrum are when he's hungry or tired though.

Of course a lot of this rests on their age and development - before they can ask nicely it's a bit much to expect them to, and communication/frustration can be an issue up to this point. If your DD's speech isn't very developed yet have you thought about using baby signing at all? - And then the other end of the scale is moving out of toddlerhood and you'll get a feel for whether your child is still tantruming because of overwhelming feelings, or because they think it gets them what they want. But under two, (possibly 3? I don't know, we haven't got there yet ) I really don't think this is the case.