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How to get him to preschool? (sorry it's a bit long)

12 replies

plipplops · 28/03/2011 20:15

This is on behalf of my friend, want to come up with something constructive. Her son is 4 in June and going to school in Sept. He's a nice boy but has been a little bit spoilt, and I think she somehow feels permanently sorry for him as he's been a bit poorly in the past (nothing major, but he was quite underweight when he was smaller etc.). They're a farming family and the son adores being on the farm, and she's convinced that he's going to follow his dad into farming (so seems to think he doesn't really need an education but I think she knows she's kidding herself just because he won't go to preschool and she's dreading Sept).

He's supposed to go to preschool 4 days a week, but she can't remember the last time he went that often. He always says he doesn't want to go (and will spend some weekends saying he doesn't want to and getting upset about it). If he gets really upset in the morning she just doesn't take him. He'll go to the creche at the gym so it's not a separation thing. I don't think he hates it when he's there (he used to go to the same nursery as my DD, and if I was there 10 mins after she'd dropped him off he'd be totally fine, but she was convinced he hated it as he would make a massive fuss as she left).

I think what's happening is she's (understandably) worried about him being sad, but can't quite be strong enough to just get over it and take him there. She's really worried about September and is bound to be passing some of that worry on to him so it's going to be self perpetuating and they're going to have a nightmare with school. He'd rather be hanging out on the farm with her and his little sister, and knows if he makes enough fuss she won't make him go.

Does anyone have any constructive ideas? I've tried telling her she just needs to get on with it but she's really struggling. Thanks

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littleducks · 28/03/2011 20:18

I would suggest pulling him out of preschool entirely. Let him have a long break over the summer, continue using the creche though.

I dont think it will help for him to see preschool as optional, something he can get out of if he winges enough, as when it comes to 'big' school he will do the same and it will be very stressful.

plipplops · 28/03/2011 20:28

You're totally right about the optional thing, and if then he thinks school is optional then they've really got trouble. I wonder if she should try and put him in a new preschool but call it something else or something? I'm worried for her that if he doesn't go anywhere (apart from creche once a week or so, although that's good in itself) then school is going to be a total shock?

Mind you maybe she could spend from now until September just getting her brain around being positive about school and trying to instill that in him?

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crw1234 · 28/03/2011 20:35

Hi - I knew a boy a bit like this - also loved hanging out with his mum on the farm - he didn't go to pre-school at all I think - but started school just fine - seemed to be ready for it - and his mum was as well - where as neither of them were before -

JarethTheGoblinKing · 28/03/2011 20:41

My DS screams that he doesn't want to go to preschool. Every single morning he whines and begs to stay at home. When I drop him off I still have to carry him in and still have to hand him over for a cuddle.

Within 20 seconds of me leaving (and peering round the corner) he's happy as anything and playing with toys. When I go and collect him he screams and hides under the table and complains that he doesn't want to go home!

Just because he's complaining about it doesn't mean he doesn't have a good time once he's there. She needs to decide if he's going to go or not (and I'm guessing he's taking up a place that the nursery is claiming for that could otherwise go to a child that will attend?) If not, pull him out, give him the break starting now, so he hopefully won't have the same negative attitude towards starting school.

plipplops · 28/03/2011 20:59

It's really interesting how many of you think to pull him out. I'd only really thought it could be a bad idea but maybe it would be the best thing for them. I think she's really beating herself up about it and if the boy's claiming to be really unhappy then perhaps if they just gave him a break, totally dropped the subject and then went towards September more positively then that might be best? God it's hard isn't it?

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JarethTheGoblinKing · 28/03/2011 21:32

I think she really does need to make her mind up which one she's going for.. all or nothing. If she decides he's going to preschool, then he needs to go, regardless of tantrums and crying. He'll probably really like it when he's there, and it might be a positive thing for him if (your words) he's been a bit spoilt.

plipplops · 28/03/2011 21:53

I know, I'm just not sure she's up to it. We had a really big chat about it week before last, then I checked with her Monday and Tuesday morning and she took him then, then she told me tonight he didn't go the rest of the week. I think it's almost become bigger in her mind than it really is and she can't see a solution (as taking him is so hard). If she can just not take him they might all get over it as she needs to almost forgive herself for not forcing him if you know what I mean?

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JarethTheGoblinKing · 29/03/2011 00:17

My parents would bitch and scowl and incredulously start talking about 'since when did the child get to decide what he wanted to do??!' Grin

I generally wouldn't agree with them...

plipplops · 29/03/2011 08:14

Well her in-laws live on the farm with them and pretty much always have an opinion, so if they disagree with taking him out then she's going to have to answer to them too. I really feel for her as if she takes him out she's probably going to get a lot of flak from other people, and that's going to take quite a lot of strength too. Guess she's just going to have to make a decision that's right for her and her son, stick with it and ignore everyone else. Will let you know what happens...

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Tgger · 29/03/2011 22:41

I think she should decide one way or the other, letting the kid decide, or making it optional is setting a bad precedent for September. Also kids settle once the routine is established and it doesn't sound like it is!!!

I reckon pull him out completely but do other stuff that they both feel happy with so that he is still used to separation. She does need to decide to be strong for September though as he will take his lead from her and it just needs to be a straightforward, now you're a big boy you go to school everyday.

In laws- baaaa, that's the problem I should think she's trying to please everyone and not pleasing anyone Smile. Good luck to her!

plipplops · 12/04/2011 21:48

Just thought I'd give you a quick update - she had another meeting with the preschool and they showed her his learning diary (which apparently she'd net seen before?) It was really positive and said how well he was doing which has given her the confidence to get him there, and so she's been positive about it which has fixed the problem. Simple really?!

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JarethTheGoblinKing · 12/04/2011 22:25

:)

good to hear.

If I listened to DS I'd never take him to preschool. I know he has a good time there, but even after more than 2 years he still cries when I drop him off. I've hung around, I know he's fine after 2 mins, I know he plays with he friends by the way he is when we get home and the way he talks. The biggest indicator is that he now cries when I pick him up too :)

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