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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Toddler prefers others to me!

18 replies

Elandliv · 28/03/2011 16:14

Hi this is my first time posting and I have registered ages ago but could never bring myself to write anything so here goes!

I have just got back from the park with my daughter (2.4), my mum and my sister. When she is with her grandma and auntie she never wants anything to do with me and it's really upsetting. She wouldn't even let me push her on the swings and told me to "go away". I try and make a joke of it but she really means it. She will often do this is other situations and I'm finding it really difficult not to feel resentment towards her as I don't feel like how a proper mum and daughter should be together. (I was apparently an angel and only ever wanted my mum!)
She is very bright and independent so rarely comes to me for affection or to help her with things so I feel like I always get the rubbish end of the deal and little back!
It would really help if anyone has got any advice, this situation is making me want to avoid my family which I know is not right for anyone, especially my little girl.
Hope this reads OK and doesn't sound too woe is me....!

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Mollymax · 28/03/2011 16:32

It sounds like you are raising avery confident, independant little girl who has such good attachment to you.
My 3 year old is similar when her dad is around, only ever wants him.
I think it is because I am always here, and she knows it.
Do not take it to heart.
I am sure she loves you. :)

LittleOneMum · 28/03/2011 16:40

Ditto here. When my DS's grandparents are here (DH's parents) I literally do not exist. I come downstairs to the living room and he generally howls and tells me to go away - he is 3.5 now but it has been going on since he was 2 or so. At first it really bugged me too.

BUT now it is fine. I really love the fact that he loves them, and he does not spend all his time with them. When it is just us, he is very loving with me. As he has gotten older, he has been less glued to them actually. I think it started last Christmas when DH and I went away for 2 nights, leaving him in the care of his beloved grandparents - he had a lovely time but whenever we called him he would say "Mummy, are you coming home now?" in a sad voice and I realised that in fact, he needs us all around, it is just that when the grandparents are here he lavishes them with attention. she still needs you, trust me.

Plus as they get older, it is fab to be able to leave them with the grandparents while you go out

Original poster

Elandliv · 28/03/2011 16:53

Thanks for your messages, its nice to know I'm not alone!
I suppose I just don't know how to handle it. Do you think its best just to ignore it and pretend it doesn't bother me or shouldI explain to my LO that it hurts my feelings - I think she would understand? But then I don't want to burden her with 'adult' feelings but then I wouldn't let her push out another child in this way???
Thanks again :)

OP posts:

LittleOneMum · 28/03/2011 17:44

I wouldn't tell her how you feel. I tend to deal with it in a very light hearted way now.

DS: "Mummy, go away, I am playing with granny".

Me: "Oh, I'm glad that you are having such a lovely time with granny. I am off to make myself a jam sandwich, would you like one?"

DS: "Mummy, I want to be JUST with granny and I don't want you".

Me: "Oh that's funny, I always want to be with you, because I love you. But I think I'll go and sit on the sofa and read my book, and if you need me, I'll be just over here".

In my view, it's the only way, because kids are sharp, if she knows it upsets you, she might do it even more, just because kids test boundaries not because she does not love you.
I know it's hard and sometimes I was SO delighted when the grandparents went home, so that I could have him back. But your DD is lucky that she has family around who love her. it will all be fine x

nailak · 28/03/2011 17:48

do you live with il's or is it just a visitin thin? i think its ood if she has stron attatchments to family.

my dd is the same

nailak · 28/03/2011 17:48

oops jst realised it is your mum and sister so scratch the inlaws bit

Original poster

Elandliv · 28/03/2011 18:04

Thanks for the advice, I suupose I'm worried to behave like that because I think that the more time she spends with them, the more she seems to grow closer to them. Whereas with me I'm here all the time but seems to be that she takes me for granted.

I know in my rational mind that she loves and needs me but I think the fact that shes not an overly affectionate child (even with grandma and auntie shes not a cuddler)means that I rarely get hugs (I suppose thats me needing the reassurance and not her problem!)

I don't live with my mum or sister but we see them regularly, what makes it harder is that my mum seems to revel in the fact that she always wants her when I thought she would have been aware of how it must make me feel and encourage my daughter to include us all...but she very much does the opposite??

OP posts:

Frawli · 28/03/2011 22:22

If you feel your mum is making it worse maybe mention it to her? Not in a blamey way, just something like how it makes you feel a bit sad when your LO pushes you away when there are others there. Maybe that would at least stop her encouraging it, even if it doesn't stop it happening. She might not realise how it's making you feel.

Do they never say anything to your DD about it? My DS has occasionally said stuff like that about either myself or DH and the grandparents have always picked them up on it, and rightly so I think.

NameChange1234 · 28/03/2011 23:11

My DD is like that too. I try not to react, so if she says something like 'I love daddy more than I love you' I respond with ' Yes, it's nice that you love daddy', as at first I showed how I felt and it definitely became worse for a while. It's a real struggle not to be too needy.

notinmypocket · 29/03/2011 09:23

My DD now 2.8 is like that. She does switch preferences though but she mostly prefers ones she does not see on a regular basis.

On Sunday she was clinging on to my neighbour, refusing to come to me to loud wails of 'I want to stay with xx's mummy'.

She also started saying 'Go away' around the same age as your DD and I told her it is not a nice thing to say and will make people sad.
But all in all I just try to ignore it as to not give her any more ammunition iykwim.

I agree that if your mum's behaviour annoys you to tell her how you feel.

GooseyLoosey · 29/03/2011 09:30

I had this with ds - he preferred his father to me. It is what first brought me here many years ago. This is what I worked out:

Don't tell her how you feel. You cannot make a 2 year old responsible for making you unhappy. That is your problem not hers. I told ds once and it was not a good thing to do.

I know that it tears you up in side - it is not how it was supposed to be and you feel a failure as a parent. Act like it does not - never let your dd see that you are bothered. As far as she can see you must think it is lovely that she loves her auty and grandma.

Offer her unconditional love. Make it clear that even if she does not want you to push her on the swings or hug her, you would like to and are there to do it when she wants you to.

It is hard, very hard, but one day without even noticing that it was happening, you will realise that she does not do this any more.

Ds is just coming up to 8 and I can honestly say he no longer shows any sign of favouring his father and loves me to bits. I love him too.

Original poster

Elandliv · 29/03/2011 14:38

I really appreciate everyones comments on this, it's nice to hear from people who are currently experiencing this and also from people who have been through it and have come out the other side!
Sometimes I give myself a shake and I try and put things in perspective as I know there are a lot worse things I could be going through with a child and I feel ridiculous and vow not to let it bother me but thats until the next time it happens and it devastates me.
I am definitely going to try and not let my little girl see me upset I am very aware that I don't want to give her any guilt. I don't mind her asking to spend time/be with someone else so much but its the fact she is so adamant about it and its the thing that leads most to tantrums ie grandma/auntie going and also the fact that all of a sudden she is very rude to me.
I think I will also speak to me my Mum to I think that part of the upset is that she seems to enjoy being 'the favourite' even though shes not stupid and can often see I'm upset about it, but then should I expect her to change her behaviour as I suppose at the end of the day she is only being the doting grandma???
x

OP posts:

GooseyLoosey · 29/03/2011 14:50

Your mother should be pleased her grand-daughter loves her and welcome her affection. However, she should always try and include you - not in an obvious "shall we be nice to mummy" way but just more subtle constant inclusion of you, so it is the norm eg on the swings "my arms are tired - its mummy's turn to push for a little bit".

Other thing is - very important that you do fun things with your dd on your own so it is just you and her. Do not include your mother in every fun outing you have.

Original poster

Elandliv · 29/03/2011 14:58

Hi GooseyLoosey, yes I think your right about my mum as she would never try and include me and sometimes on the rare occasion when my DD has come to me for something or fallen and wants comfort Mum will rush to her and say "come to grandma, she will make you feel better" or something on those lines! So I prob feel a bit of upset towards her to which doesn't help the situation.

Me and DD do loads together as I've not gone back to work yet (retraining to be a midwife would you believe!) so we go to the park/groups/dancing/walks/cafes as I was aware that I didn't want to be just the chore giver...brush teeth,eat your dinner etc but its like when we are with mum or sister I just can't compete....

OP posts:

Justforthekids · 29/03/2011 15:00

Ok I think you are seeing problems that just don't exist.

Your dd loves to see her GM and Auntie. Good! she is securely attached to you, so much so that she is now ready to build other relationship. That is a fantastic news!

Your dd is able to express her view very clearly (even though it can feel rude). Again, I think it is a very good thing. One because it means she feels confortable enough to express what she wants and two because she is doing what she is supposed to do as a 2yo.

Your mum enjoys her grand daughter company. She is coming on a regular basis and is a doting grandma. Again that is a very good thing! (And something quite a few people on here would love to see hapening!)

You need to realize that there is NO battle going on there. The one and only person who will always have her preference is YOU, not your mum or your sister. It doesn't say anything about your relationship with your dd, nor about your parenting or about the bound between the two of you.

FWIW, I've always steped away when my parents are with my dcs. They are their grand parents and I think they are 'entitled' to spend time with their grand children wo me interfering (or feeling pushed out). I also actually actively encourage that as I believe it is a really good thing to see their relationship blossoming.
By any mean, have a talk with your mum. tell her how you feel. She is might be able to reassure you.
but I think that expecting her not to be as doting ash she currently is would be out of order.

Justforthekids · 29/03/2011 15:03

Elandliv, the one advantage that your mum has is the novelty factor.
Plus she doesn't have to ask her to brush her teeth etc...

However, as you said it is YOU that your dd wants a cuddle from if she hurts herself... Doesn't it tell a lot to you?

Who do you think has 'won'?

Original poster

Elandliv · 29/03/2011 15:20

Justforthekids I think you have hit the nail on the head. I take the way she behaves in these situations as a reflection on our relationship and our bond.

What you have put is nearly word for word what my husband has said to me and has said that if I can't handle seeing it that I should encourage my mum in particular to take my DD out by herself which I think I will suggest.

My DD seems to be very secure and independant, she is shy/nervous for about two seconds in new situations and then she is off without a second glance. I think half of the problem is often we have different expectations to reality ie I always thought kids clung to their mums and I know now that this isn't always the case and that I should be proud that she is how she is.

I will speak to my Mum about it though as I think she can just be a bit insensitive and if I make her aware of the situ it might just make things a bit easier for everyone!

OP posts:

Lonmom · 08/07/2024 00:28

Hi,
My DD is almost 20 months and has always preferred her dad which I didn’t mind much but now she prefers her aunt over both of us who moved in with us few months ago. She completely ignores me or sometimes even starts crying if I try to pick her up instead of her aunt. It is really heartbreaking.

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