dd(4) is a complete nightmare and i don't know how to fix this...

[fustyarse]

I am at my wits' end. She is horrendous, nearly all the time. Everything is grounds for a battle, from getting dressed, to eating breakfast, to brushing teeth, to leavng the house for nursery - the whole time is spent with her constant chorus of 'I don't want to go to nursery!'

She is perfectly fine once she's there, she is content and joins in and by her teacher's account she is bright and popular,so all the bad tempers and arguments are solely for my benefit.

I cannot begin to explain how dreadful she is - it's getting to the point that I just don't want her around me much any more

None of my 'strategies' (ha!) are working - if I ignore her she works herself up into such a state she can vomit from hysterical crying/screaming. She never, ever backs down or gives up. She is relentless. If I try talking calmly to her, reasoning with her, she remains hysterical. I have shouted when I've lost my temper and clearly that just makes everything worse. Naughty step - I can't make her stay on it.

She is a middle child of 2 brothers - she adores her big brother and he is great with her, but her little brother drives her demented.

we try taking her out on her own, giving her special one-to-one time, we cuddle her and give her so much love but she's just so miserable so much of the time.

Have got the How To Talk book and 1,2,3 Magic! but I desperately need help. How would i go about getting her seen by a psychologist or someone like that?

please please help. I'm hanging on by a thread here.

Bump, please

Bump, please

I think I would stick with a very strict ignoring and 1 warning and your out type approach.

She sounds very determined and so far she has got you to back down.

I think it will be a long haul tbh.

If you haven't stuck to consequences in the past she is going to giving 100000% to get you to give in until you see them through consistently.

thanks for replying

nursery have no concerns about her AT ALL,which is why I think this behaviour is purely for my benefit.

I do truly try to stick to consequences but what's been happening is that even though I'm sticking to my guns, she is winding me up so much that I am suddenly exploding with fury at her - she might get a wee fright at my outburst but clearly this isn't having any positive effect; she ultimately seems not to care.

I know I need to work at continuing the ignoring - she even shouts at me 'I don't want to be ignored!!'....this morning she cried and compplained and whinged for about an hour (and she is LOUD), from getting dressed to walking all the way to nursery. She calmed down when we got there and she realised she was going in regardless of her behaviour. So I can see it will work - I just need strategies as to how to reamin calm and composed while she is pushing me to my absolute limit. It is like torture.

How sure are you about the nursery?

because ds2 was like this about his first nursery, and it was only after I caved and moved him that I realised that there were a LOT of children in this small town who had hated that nursery and they had all, including my son, settled at their new one.

Nursery workers sometimes lie. They do it with the best intentions, to 'not worry the parents', but they do sometimes lie. Nip into the nursery unannounced and just watch her for half an hour.

My son was like this,at the time I strived to find the perfect approach without realising that I was constantly changing tactics,no wonder he didn't respond to anything!

He is 15 now,and I have had two DD's since.I think I have learned a few tips along the way.

Mainly...sit down with Partner and discuss a strategy(sp?) that you are both happy with,whatever it may be resolve to stick to it for a month before you decide to abandon it.

My son had problems with self esteem and confidence,although he was very confident and outgoing,so you would never have guessed it outwardly. i was told early on by his playgroup leaders,and teachers that he always responded well to positive praise.They all adopted the same technique......Ignoring the bad behaviour (Not them...the behaviour) and looking for ways to praise him,even for the smallest things.
Above all...DON'T sweat the small stuff....Hard I know,as some days it seems as if its a slow steady burn,that is really hard to ignore...
Sort out the worst problems beforehand,and find a solution that you are happy with...ie.won't get dressed.....grab their clothes and shoes in a bag and take them to nursery/school in their PJ's.Doesn't really matter,teachers have seen it all before....my DD was so shocked when I did this she begged me to dress her in the car before we went in,which I did( she was 3 at the time)
I firmly believe the experts only succeed for one reason....CONSISTENCY,one of the hardest things.But if thats the only result your child see's EVERY time they "play up" they WILL learn the rules,and believe you mean it.

Good luck,its NOT luck to have well behaved children...its bloody hard work.Its so much easier to give in.

colditz- it's a great nursery,they really try to involve the parents and I have watched her 'secretly' - her teacher is very warm and caring, I tryuly don't have an issue with them. The problem arises when her routine is broken for whatever reason - she was off nursery for a week 2 weeks ago with tonsilitis and getting her back into going without complaint is impossible. And now they're about to be off for practically the whole of April with various holidays so I'm facing it allover again!

Lenin - she can be reluctant about her other activities - she does gymnastics and swimming and she definitely gets nervous (esp after absences) but usually will join in. She usually 'finds' an adult she feels secure with and latches on.

I'm making her sound terribly nervous and insecure, and she's actually quite a confident and boisterous wee girl. Her confidence has soared in the past couple of years - she used to not want to be in contact with any other children (apart from her brother) and taking her to just the ppark was an ordeal as she wouldn't play on the slide or whatever is another kid happened to be on it...she's not like that at all now so things are improved in that respect,and nursery is definitely helping her confidence too.

As for techniques for remaining calm etc.Try Distraction....works for kids why not for adults? When they wind you up,ignore the behaviour but not the child,change the subject,start rabbiting on about something else,stay pleasant and joke a bit,it kind of ignores your own feelings and doesn't let you give in to the anger thats growing....

Point out the other children who are walking nicely,dressed nicely,talking nicely etc.Not to tell them off or critizise,just keep reminding them of how its supposed to be....

A couple of book suggestions: how to be a better parent for general advice and the explosive child for my ds who is a nightmare when it comes to doing anything he is told to.
I've found both of these really helpful.

great advice sawyer, thank you. I have GOT to remain in controlof myself. Will try the distraction thing again too...

lenin - interesting link. I have been wondering about autism but didn't think she had any 'real' symptoms - she is recognisable in a couple of the PDA symptoms though, esp wrt the extreme mood swings. With the role playing thing - she doesn't really do that at home but her teacher has told me she really enjoys role paying activities...maybe something to onder further

will also look at those books sops

It's just so relentless....it's rarely peaceful and I just want a bit of peace

I think mentally you need to try and keep in mind that you are helping her understand the world and cope in it rather than her battling you.

A glass of wine in the evenings as a reward for when you've stayed calm could be a good incentive!

wishes as fantasy? do you mean when I get the 'nooooooo! i dont want togo to nursery!!!!' again I start saying 'really? where do you wish we could go instead? wouldn't that be amazing...' etc? or something else -can you explain?

playful parenting? i want her to realise that I'm in charge, she doesn't (or technically shouldn't) be the one calling the shots...does the PP formula work with this? I shall investigate...

I really, really appreciate everyone's advice. It's really helping. Going to bed now. tomorrow is a new, calm,happy day....(please God)

My dd2 is a real whinger in the morning, drives me crazy and I used to end up shouting. It was all for my benefit like you, and once at school she would be delightful and easy-going only to revert to whingeing once she left the school buildiing! We decided to have a sticker chart, controlled by her, and she got a sticker for every thing completed without whingeing, so one for getting dressed without a fuss, one for eating breakfast without moaning, one for getting shoes and coat on quickly and one for getting into the car. No ultimate reward, just stickers and lots of positive praise. It did actually work for us, and seemed to change the morning patterns quite dramatically, could be worth a try (even though I am not big on reward systems normally, I was desperate by this point!)

sticker chart - yep,will do,she loves that kind of thing

she was miles better this morning - i totally ignored any whinging/crying/complaining, jumped on any good behaviour and praised her, stayed calm and cheerful...all good so far.....

have also ordered Playful Parenting for a flick through, looks interesting