My gorgeous, and for the most part lovely, DS, 4.5yo, has developed a behaviour that i'm really struggling with. He will get in a tizz all of a sudden about something small, like me using the bathroom before him in the morning, and then because he's upset he will say he wants things - for example his favourite toy, or for me to hold his hand to walk downstairs - but then refuse it when i offer it to him. i will calmly say OK, well there it is if you want it, i'm going downstairs now, come when you're ready. He'll scream and cry, i'll go back and calmly say, i offered it to you before and you didn't take it, will you take it now? he'll say yes, then refuse it again. The refusal is non-verbal: he'll turn away or lie back on the floor. I will say, OK, this is the last time i am asking you do you want [your toy, my hand]? He doesn't respond, i tell him i'm counting to three then walking away. After 3, i walk away. He gets really upset (NO MUMMY, i'll do it now, i promise, i will, i will!!!!), by which time i think he is messing me around, and i have to stand my ground, so i just say No, i'm downstairs now, you come when you're calm, i'm not coming back up. It will take him ages to come down, i ignore his crying. When eventually he does relent and come down, i talk to him about what happened, and i tell him it makes me cross (he can see i'm cross - i don't shout but i am very firm) when he asks for things then doesn't take them. Eventually it will be fine, but i find it really upsetting. I don't understand it, and i don't know what to do differently. I worry that i am too rigid about these things... he will often ask me to turn the tv on for him or get things for him and when i try and tell him to do these things for himself, he's a big boy etc., it often makes him upset if i don't comply with his wishes and we end up having a standoff.
i don't know if i am being too much of a woose, or too harsh.
any advice on how to better handle it?