I feel as though I don't know who my child is anymore and I'm at breaking point

[Leish]

My son of four nearly five years old is pushing me to the aboslute limits at the moment. He doesn't listen, even though I know he's heard me. He is going against everything that me or his dad want him to do. And I'm not talking about when being disciplined but just for everyday day stuff and nice stuff too. He is hell-bent on making a row about EVERYTHING in life. Everything has gradually become really hard. We've just come back from his best friend's party, in which he spent a total of 30 minutes in time-out away from the party. I've had enough. My first tactic is always positive but he's not responding, so now I'm going for time-out, which also doesn't seem to be working. I've tried talking to him whilst something is going on and also when it's not. He's becoming aggressive with his friends and I keep catching him saying the most awful things. I feel like crying and I don't know what to try. He never used to be like this. It's ever since he started school. And the confident he becomes the more of this behaviour we are getting. Help! I need some practical advice. Thank you xx

I'd have a word with his teacher to see if there's something bothering him at school.
Does he behave the same there? Is he willing to go every day? And it may be that he's tired. Or is there another child that he's copying?

As to time out, was that thirty minutes in one hit? Because that's a bit too long for him to cope with really.

And have you asked him if he's okay? He may be able to tell you if he's upset about something.

No - seprate 5 minutes!! But six times - and that was after giving him 3 chances each time (1,2,3 magic). First term he was fine, second term he didn't want to go as he was getting bullied a bit and it was awful dropping him off at school. His class in his year has loads of aggressive boys, so I know for a fact that he's definitely copying and picking it up from school. This term he's more confident about going to school but is starting to do the above (first post). He's very butter wouldn't melt. Good as gold in class and doing really well. He's averagely popular and enjoys the company of both girls and boys. I've just had a huge talk with him now to try and get to the bottom of it. He just says that he wishes that he could be nicer. So now I'm thinking that maybe his self-esteem was boshed a bit last term. I've just been trying to expalin to him the consequences of treating people badly and he definitely understands - that he can make people feel not-very-nice and also that they won't want to play with him and that will make him feel lonely. But I've also said that if he can make people feel sad he can also make them feel happy by being a positive and friendly person who likes to play and enjoy and not fight all the time. I'm just feel exhausted from it all. We've always been so close. I think I probably need to find a new way to communicate with him.

kid's parties, i find, are particularly difficult affairs. did you consider the possibility that he didn't actually want to be there?

possibly some of his behaviours are about trying to tell you that?

after one time out i would be making it clear that we would be leaving and do so, explaining to your son that in your opinion he is obviously tired, unhappy, not enjoying himself and that he doesn't have to stay. this way you can reinforce that you are doing it because you love him rather than as a punishment.

sometimes you have to break the cycle of punishment as it often can become your child's only means of emotionally interacting with you, due to its frequency.

try building in cuddle time, get some emotions books for bed time and just try to lighten up a bit, easier said than done!

God no, he's been looking forward to it for weeks. It's his best friend (who's more like a brother to him). And I couldn't leave, I was helping his Mum to run the party, I couldn't just leave her in the lurch for the sake of a lesson.

No it's not as straughforward as that. I wish it were. My son gets loads of mine and my husband's time, affection, quality playtime and just good old fashioned time together. I was a stay-at-home Mum from birth to school and I only work in-between school hours. He gets up early, but this means that his Dad can just have pure playtime with him till we all leave the house for school/work. But he's been spoiling it, regressing into snatching toys off my husband and just not playing nicely. He's taking jokes too far and being really rude and cheeky and switching off when me or my husband want to talk to him about it. After school, it's me and him. We tend to keep things pretty low key - we do our own thing, have friends over for play and tea a couple of times a week for an hour or so after school and then maybe he wants to go to theirs or the park or similar once a week. Other times we just go home and play with lego or cars or in the garden or on bikes now it's getting warmer and lighter. We have a good wind-down evening routine which involves stories and snuggles. He's really affectionate and so are we with him. I've been a very committed and pro-active Mum from the start and we have alwasy been so close and we have always communicated very well. I think I need to find a new way of communicating with him. I often find this - that I'm one step behind reading his needs!

I think that the frustrating thing is that he does actually understand and know what he's doing. If I just thought that cognitively and emotionally he couldn't understand the concept of treating other people with respect and love, then it'd be easir to bear with as a phase. But I know he's the absolute opposite of that - that in fact he's very sensitive, expressive and communicative. so it's making it very difficult to fathom. Before bed I told him that I wanted to help him with it - pitched it that way, so we'll see what tomorrow brings. Sorry to go on!

it might just be pure and simple tiredness! maybe it's just the early mornings, being exhausted (physically and mentally) from school and stuff like that?

does he sleep well at night?

do you have any other concerns about him at all?

he does find school really tiring. he sleeps very well and eats well - (wish he'd eat greens though!).

no other concerns really. sometimes i worry that school isn't enough for him in some ways. he's exceptionally clever - not gifted - but exceptionally bright and ahead at school, even though he's one of the youngest. the teacher's have already identified that and it was picked up at preschool too. and i think that adults can provide him with the challenge and stimulation that he needs brainwise - which I suppose it's why it's developed that my husband and i do spend so much time with him, becuase this is what he needs. he's also an only child so we have the challenges that come with it.

but no other worries really. i just want him to stop spoiling things. he can play really well, he's a right good laugh. smiley and makes up some really imaginative games and stories for him and his friends to play. but for some reason he ends up getting mean.

yes, we probably are guilty of spending too much time with him. does that cause aggression?

hmm not sure about that, cos why would that make him sabotage perfectly nice times when he IS the centre of attention?

he reminds me a bit of ds1. he is 6 now, but we have the same issue of him being fine at school but awful at home.
he's actually being assessed for asperger's at the moment and it's a case of him trying SO hard to be good at school that when he gets in it's all let out and he can just let go in safety iyswim?

not suggesting your son has ASD (there are many, many other symptoms too!) but it could still be a similar thing?

my son also gets bored at school as he is fairly bright (i think!) and that combined with the stress of being good and general tiredness and it's just KABOOM the moment he gets home

Have you read 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'? I found it really enlightening....good luck

I've found every now and again both of mine have gone through a phase like this, where they seem to change and be mean or just not be their usual loving selves. It's not very nice, but I think there are a few things you can do. The first is not to engage too much, he's not really changed, he's still the same funny loving imaginative boy who happens to be pushing a few boundaries (very upsetting when you want to have perfect nice-behaved children, but unfortunately even the most nicely brought up children can have a bit of a rebellious or disobedient phase!) So, don't transmit the message he's gone bad, transmit the message that he's still the same boy who is just behaving badly at times. It's important that you keep the faith that he's essentially loveable, even if he annoying the hell out of you.

Secondly, whoever said to step back a bit had it spot on. It sounds like he's trying to start a bit of a power struggle, 6 times out in a party is way too many and way too much attention. When he starts up, just walk away. It's all about sensible consequences. (The book by the Toddler Taming man for older children is good on this).

Finally, he's only five. I find that bright children are often intellectually clever but emotionally immature (or perhaps just normal!) Try to think about it as allowing him to develop emotionally rather than just extend his brain (which is probably happening anyway). This can mean stepping back a bit, or talking about emotions, or just understanding he is little and little children do do things like hit out or behave badly sometimes, even if we have to correct it.

It is worth talking to the school to see if there is an issue but if he's as good as gold there, then it's the normal story of taking out everything on the poor parents. It will pass, honest!

Just to add that boys have a surge of testosterone at around 4 years old. Our DS changed like someone had flicked a switch, and became very aggressive and angry. We did use time out, and it worked for us, gave him and us a chance to cool down. He improved after a couple of weeks and was back to normal (whatever that is !) after a couple of months. Just thought it might be a factor - hormones are powerful things!

Yep, been there. Survived. Now out the other side. Have an adorable, (generally) well-behaved 6 year old. Try this book:

www.pantley.com/elizabeth/books/1572240407.php

You need to be consistent and follow it to the letter.

I think it will work for you.

... by the way, be wary of people trying to label your child. Loads of people said to us "are you sure he doesn't have ADHD?". Some people even felt qualified to give a diagnosis. However, if he did have ADHD, then where has it gone? He is almost a model child now.

I think a lot of it just takes training. For us as parents more than for the DC.

Have gotten up this morning after a very restless night and feel so reassured by everyone after reading the posts that I didn't see before going to sleep - thank you especially to the last 10 posts or so, this is something that I definitely relate to! I nearly burst into tears with relief . New day and a new page. Wish me luck! xxx

OP you have my sympathies, it must be very draining and worrying going through this.

An alarm bell rang for me when you mentioned bullying at school. Are you sure the bullying has stopped?

The other thing might be that he's changed his behaviour to fit in with / be like the bullies, as the way out of being bullied.

Do you have someone who he knows but isn't your or his dad to have a bit of time with him and let him talk a bit if he wants? I think when you're very close to your parents and they ask you about how you are and talk to you a lot, it can actually sometimes close things down, it can all feel a bit pressured. But if he got time with someone else and can just take it slowly and quietly, he might open up a bit about why he is behaving in this way.

OP, do you think he gets enough physical exercise? My friend has an incredibly boisterous boy and she has to take him out three times a day in order to keep him on an even keel. So she would probably have run round the park before the party, for example.

I think it is incredibly hard for boys to deal with school with all the sitting down and rules at this age - and social occasions are tricky too.

My friend's boy is also very bright and needs lots of stimulation. The minute he starts getting bored he just does destructive or even aggressive things. He needs very firm boundaries, loads of running around, and strong clear reprimands if necessary.