how to help socially awkward 4yo?

[CharlotteBronteSaurus]

dd1 is just 4. she has always been quite a reserved personality. she really enjoys "reading" (can't quite read but is getting there, loves just looking at books), sylvanians and pretend play at home.

at nursery i have often noticed her to be playing by herself, which she said she prefers. recently however she has started to talk about wanting more friends, and how the others girls are best friends with one another.

when she come in to nursery, the thought doesn't seem to occur to her to smile and say hello, even if someone says it to her. when i took her this morning the group of girls she wants to be part of was there. she went into the classroom, didn't say hello or make eye contact with anyone, and went and sat by herself. I called her over to me, saying she'd forgotten to kiss me goodbye, and whispered to her to smile and say hello. she did, and one of the girls said "you can sit here" and patted the seat next to her.

she seems to need this kind of prompting for every social interaction, and if i don't do it, she won't say hello and join in. i wouldn't mind if she was happy being by herself, but she has said she wants to be more involved in the various friendship groups. it seems less like shyness, and more just not really getting friendship and social niceties......any advice?

Not so much advice as reassurance - some kids just take a little longer and a bit more prompting. My DS (4 going on 5) has one very close friend (they are glued together), and a couple of others but struggles to join the bigger group. My biggest fear is we're moving in the summer and he is going to really struggle to make friends just like he did when we moved here.
Two things have helped him so far
i) there is a book called "join in and play" which we got and read and used as sort of role playing - this sounds far more structured than it was, in reality more chatting at bed time! But DS likes to learn through stories so it worked for us. There are a heap of them on Amazon so you can pick one that looks like it may work for your DD
ii) one on one playdates, when we arrived here (and I fully intend to do it again when we move) our house was "playdate central". DS found it much easier to make friends in his own space and then this has carried on into his school. The only caution I would use is I got so happy when he clicked with one of the kids (and as that kid was a bit shy - so did his mum) that we probably went too far on playdates and getting them together, hence they are now stuck together. Generally not a problem, but for us - because of the move - it will make things tougher.

Hopefully your DD will work it out soon but I do think a lot of kids at 4 are like this.

thanks seorae! we'll have a look for the book you mention.
I will admit I have been a bit lazy re playdates - ie we most often have dc we already know from toddler group, who don't attend her nursery, over to play. I will bite the bullet and invite some of the nursery children too.

agree with a few playdates (not too many though) but also try some role play with her at home where you are one of her prospective friends and she practices coming into nursery and smiling at you and asking if she can play with you/sit with you - you can do lots of different scenarios with her so she gets more confident with what to say and do at nursery - practice some where the friend says she can't play too - so she can cope with others not wanting to play with her which will happen from time to time (I used to teach my daughter to say "ok, I'll find someone else to play with" and then told her to look for someone else to ask)

and then remind her just as you are leaving her so she remembers to put it into practice!!

My DD1 is often on the outside looking in as her friends at pre- school just get on with playing. She seems to feel the need to be invited. She's very polite and sensitive and smart- but she's probably over-polite. This morning, at a dance group I saw this happen and I told her that she didn't have to wait to be asked but that it's ok- she's a child and she can just go up and hug her friends . She did this and was a SO HAPPY; she was jumping and laughing and it became infectious as her friends responded to her happy demeanour. It's like it just never occurred to her that she can just be. So I figure that rather than waiting for her friends to give her permission to join in, I need to "give her permission" IYSWIM.

Agree that small playdates are a good way to gain confidence.

thanks both for the ideas and encouragement. we had a chat today and she was so pleased that this girl had responded favourably to her. we're going to "practise" a bit over the weekend.