Shoplifting 9yr old, what do I do?

[NettoSuperstar]

Nothing ever goes right in my house

I've just come from the local shop, where they inform me DD was shoplifting this morning.
They didn't say anything to her, as they know me and are letting me deal with it.

What the hell do I do?

(background-she has a history of stealing money from me, I've had the police talk to her twice, and school are aware. I also have severe asthma and have been hospitalised twice in the last year and am off work with it again)

What did she steal? Can you find it & take your DD & the stolen goods & make her return them to the shop?

I would tell them to call the police next time.

Are you with her when she is shop lifting.

A mini can of juice, no doubt gone by now.
I will be taking her up to apologise, that goes without saying, and of course she won't be allowed out without me for years a good long while, but what else?

I've had the police speak to her twice before about stealing, and she doesn't listen. I've had friends talk to her, teachers, family, grounded, withdrawn privileges, taken away toys, smacked, everything.

I thought this had all stopped.

Very odd behaviour especially as you have already dealt with it appropriatly before.

When you have spoken to her about it has she told you why she does it, is there a chance she is being bullied into it?

She says she doesn't know

She's not being bullied into it, she was on her own this morning in the shop, I'd asked her to pop up for some milk!

I have tried to get help for her before, because of my illness and have drawn a blank. The stealing was going on before that, but I still think she could do with some help.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. She can be so lovely, and so much fun, but I despair when she keeps doing this. I love her so much but am so disappointed and angry.

I can understand how you feel, I also have a 9y old girl.

I wonder if she is doing it for attention? It's the only other thing I ca think of.

When DD was having a few troubles last year I asked our doctor for help & he put us in touch with CAMHS who spoke to her at school & at home to deal with her problems, you could try that or speak again to the school who should have a family liason worker?

Wow, I really sympathize. Is it worth visiting a GP, maybe it is some form of compulsion?

Attention has been suggested before, but it makes no sense. Even when I am working she's only in childcare for 20 minutes, three days a week. She's an only and I'm a single parent. I don't go out so she has all the attention she wants.

I've been into school before and they made all the right noises, but then fobbed me off.
I've spoken to them already about this, as I want her not to be able to sing with the choir tomorrow, and I'm waiting for a call back.
I will go to the GP, certainly, I need to push for help for her, but aside from getting help, what on earth do I do to stop this, and what punishment do I give?

I might be wrong as I am only typing how I think I would deal with my own 9y old.
If talks from the police etc haven't worked before I doubt they would work again.

I would push for more help for her instead of punishing her although I would certainly tell her I was far to dissapointed with her behaviour to allow her out on her own & if she did enjoy the independence then she has to earn it back through trust.

I would ask her how she thinks you can help her & what action could she do today as way of an apology to the shop owner - take the money back to the shop, offer to work for free one saturday morning stocking shelves & explain she will have to be accompanied to do this as she is now un-trustworthy.

Does she help you alot when you are unwell? No shame in being very poorly but I wonder if she could be seen as taking on a minor carrer role at home? If she is you could speak to the child carrers association & see if any help is avaliable there?

minor carer & child carer association - sorry I'm trying to dress a toddler for after school pick up & talk to you

She says she wants to live with someone else as she doesn't love me any more.
Now, I know she doesn't mean that, I interpret that as her being disappointed and cross with me for being ill, but she has been stealing since before I got ill, and I can't stop wondering if it's just an excuse. She can be odd with money, and me spending it. (I can elaborate on this if needed)

My GP is fantastic, I'll make an appointment asap to see what he can do for her, she really needs help, but I'm not sure how to handle it in the meantime.

When I'm unwell, she can be helpful, she has been, but she's also demanded I do everything for her, and emptied out my inhalers. (I have severe asthma)

This may be well off the mark, so please tell me to F off if you want to!

Have you perhaps said, even in a casual manner, 'no, we cant afford that' ? I know I have said it to my two and one of the responses was 'well, cant we just take it anyway?'. It may be that she wanted a 'treat' of juice but felt that you might say no as she knows money is an issue? (if it is, I have no idea of your circumstances!)

Like I said, this may be way off the mark. It just struck me when you said she was 'odd' about money. I know my two can be as they know it is scarce. (But then you may have buckets more cash than me!!) And I know I was tempted to steal as a child when I knew my parents wouldnt buy me something when I was a child as they didnt have the money.

Money is an issue, a big one, she knows that, but at the same time she has never gone without treats. OK, treats costing £1 or 2, rather than big days out, or holidays but she really has plenty.

She's controlling with money, and hates me buying anything for myself, and likes to tell me what to buy.
She will do anything to get me to spend money on her, even if she doesn't want the thing.

It sounds like there are a lot more issues for your family than just the stealing.

I picked up a young carers pack whilst at the school this afternoon, just incase you might want to use some of the details if you think it's appropriate

Connexions Direct

Offers quick access to info & advice on a wide range of topics, they offer confidential advice and practical help by telephone, through web chat, via email or text message.

Advisers are available from 8am - 2am
seven days a week.
Telephone 080 800 13 2 19 (free)
Text 07766 4 13 2 19
www.connexions-direct.com

The carers grapevine

Info about sources of support, help, advice & other related services.

Telephone 01245 434703 - this is the essex branch but they can give you a local number.

[email protected]

schools, children & families

Info on children & young peoples social care, youth provisions & connexions

Telephone 0845 603 7627

essex young person & childrens advocacy network

www.giveusavoice.com
Telephone 0800 783 2187

again an essex branch but the website hould direct you to a local area.

If you are in Essex I do have direct line numbers for each area.

The booklet is called Do you care? if you pm me your address I will happily send it to you.

Hope this is helpfull to you & not to off the mark.

Thanks.
I have tried those numbers before though. They have support groups an hour away for the children of addicts.

That's not really me.
I have asthma, not a crack addiction, though no one will part me from my nail varnish collection!

I've tried with the young carers and as well as me not being a crack addict, they won't help as DD doesn't care for me, she never has. She does have to care for the house, and herself, but not me.

I've experimented with it.
It doesn't seem to make a difference as to whether she wants more and she never seems to learn anything about money.

I'm at the end of my tether with her, she seems to hate me, and I'm not a fan of hers right now.
It makes me so sad.

It does sound like an attention thing. A referral from your GP to CAMHS could be useful.

I will be in touch with GP.

In the mean time, what do I do?

Should DD be allowed to go to Youth Club?
Do I walk her to school and pick her up?

Do I trust she won't go in the shop again?

It sounds like you are working really hard on your daughters behalf.

Definatly talk with your gp but in the meantime I wouldn't let her go out without you as she has misplaced your trust & needs to earn it back.

Sorry about the links not being appropriate (took me ages to type them out!!) I just saw a booklet in the foyer & thougt it might be usefull.

Does she have to do a lot for you when you're ill? Is she being expected to be a carer?

The most striking thing for me was that she emptied your inhalers. That is bloody nasty, especially as she knows how much you need them.
No advice, but I will be watching. Closely.

I've booked a double appointment with my GP for next Wednesday, it's the earliest I can get a pre-bookable double.
I'll see what he can do for me and DD.
In the meantime, she's not allowed out at all this week, and then she's off school for two weeks and youth club isn't on.

I had a long chat with a friend about it this morning which helped.