son seems to be only now dealin with separation after 6 years

[jacquelinio]

Hi, I wonder if anybody could help. This is the first time I have posted on here.

My son is 10 years old and me and his father separated six years ago. His father was a heavy drinker, controlling and sometimes violent (towards me but never our son). My son still has a relationship with his dad and sees him about once every three weeks. My son has seemed to cope very well with the separation, is doing well in school, mixes well and has plenty of friends and is a confident kid. He has just got really angry going to bed and we have had a talk and he got really upset and has told me that he has started to hear his dad's voice in his head sometimes when he is in school and it makes him upset and angry and he wants to cry. He said when he hears his dad's voice he puts his head on his desk and then gets told off by the teacher. I am really worried about him as this is very out of character for him. I was wondering if anyone thinks that it is common for children to start to deal with separation so long after it has happened. I am going to make an appointment to speak to his teacher to see if he has noticed this behaviour (not sure if this is the right thing to do but I am really at a loss as to what is the best way to deal with this). Any comments / advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks

I would talk to the teacher and explain that you think there is some anxiety surrounding the separation - it may help them be more sympathetic to your son when he puts his head on the desk - he's clearly not taking the piss or trying to sleep, which they may have assumed.

I would also speak to his father. And I would speak to your son. When he says he hears his father's voice, what is he hearing exactly? Is he missing spending time with him, or is hearing something else - reprimands for example? It could be anything, and that could make a big difference to how he feels about what he hears / thinks and imagines.

I hope someone comes along who has experience of this and can help you more than I can.

I asked what he meant by hearing his dad's voice and he said it's as if his dad is in the room with him, he is not talking directlty to him but he says he can just hear him having conversations about his job and stuff. Very weird.

I have made an appointment to see his teacher on Wednesday so will just see what he says. My son is also going to ring his dad tonight and have a chat so I will have to speak to my ex before that.

Thanks for the reply.

Does he only hear his dads voice at school or was he saying he could hear his dad at bedtime? If it's only at school could it be linked to some stress/anxiety there?

He only seems to hear his voice when he's at school and he said when it happens he feels angry and frustrated and feels like crying or throwing something. BUT recently his class has been taken over by a new teacher and I think my son preferred the previous one. The more I think about it the more I think it may have more to do with this. He has also said he dreams about his dad and when he wakes up and he's not there he just really misses him.

I'm hoping that "hearing his voice" is his way of describing to me that he is thinking of him a lot rather than him actually being able to hear his voice..if that makes sense.

It does sound like the disruption at school isn't helping him. I know according to some of the books I've read as boys get older they begin to look more towards men as their role models so maybe this is also why he's missing his dad more now? Talking to the school should help identify any problems there, and hopefully they can offer some constructive advice. Are there any other male role models in his life? Eg friends, grandparents, sports coach etc. Maybe it would help if he spent some extra time with them?