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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Negotiate with a 10 year old?

8 replies

goldenoldie · 25/10/2005 15:37

My DS is 10 and thinks that everything is up for discussion/negotiation - including bed-time, meal-time, what he gets to eat, when he should bathe/brush his teeth, how long he should do homework for, how long he should play on the computer/playstaion/other electronic or handheld games and so on.............

It is wearing me out trying to explain to him that we are not equals and that as parents we must set reasonable limits. Of course, nothing we suggest he feels is reasonable so everyday is a new argument.

Where are we going wrong? What should we do? Any suggestions?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

startingtobehalloweenylover · 25/10/2005 15:39

i would ignore it.
you say it's bedtime now and he starts to discuss... just ignore him and say "i'm not discussing it, bedtime NOW" and then make him go to bed.

discussion is 2-sided... if you don't join in then he can't ahve one!

ScreamEagle · 25/10/2005 15:41

Some things are negotiable such as "which cereal would you like?", and others such as bedtimes, tv time just are not. Allow him choice on those things you don't mind - all the rest YOU decide.

MarsLady · 25/10/2005 15:42

ditto stbhl!

I told my kids something that I once heard when they said it wasn't fair that I didn't discuss with them. I told them that it was my turn and when they are old enough and have a family it would be their turn to do the telling.

madmarchscare · 25/10/2005 15:43

See your point but if it is wearing you down you need to do something.

Does DS have pocket money?, could he start earning it by doing certain (achievable) 'tasks'? Say, downstairs, washed and dressed for 8 and thats 50p/whatever. You could use a chart with tick boxes.

As soon as he starts losing out he'll get the message.

You may be the parents and he may be 10 but I dont see it that different from 'manipulating' toddler behaviour, its just adapted to age.

Also, stick to your guns, he's testing.

doormat · 25/10/2005 15:44

I have the same arguments out of my children

I just tell them that it is dh and I that make the rules not them

agree on the cereal bit but if I make a meal it is for all the family

i am not a cafe

Original poster

goldenoldie · 25/10/2005 15:56

Thanks for the suggestions.

Will try and use positive reinforcement - ie. pocket money, as well as negative, ie. standing my ground.

Will try and not get into a discussion - I will have to have time out and remove myself from the situation.

When he gets really angry with us for setting boundary he calls DH and I 'freaks'. It is all DH and I can do to wait for him to storm out of the room, slamming the door, before we burst into laughter.................I am sure it is an insult, but it sounds so odd!

OP posts:

madmarchscare · 25/10/2005 15:59

I would also make it clear that calling you names isnt acceptable either.

suedonim · 25/10/2005 16:14

My 9yo dd is like this, argues the hind leg off a donkey. I think the way to go is to give some choice when suitable and for non-negotiables, it's a good idea to sit down when everyone is feeling calm and talk about it. For the non-negs, the heat can be taken out of the situation by an early warning system eg 'It will be bedtime in 15mins,' or whatever. Good luck!

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