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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I've messed up and scared my 3 year old - about death ...

19 replies

Tillyscoutsmum · 17/03/2011 19:50

My lovely aunt has terminal cancer. The drs think she only has a couple of days. I have been visiting her with dd who is 3.10. She knows she is very poorly but today, on the way to the hospice, I warned her that she will die and that I and her Nanny etc. may be sad and upset.

I reassured her that only very old people or very very ill people die and she asked lots of questions "will I die, will you die, will daddy die etc. etc." and I kept repeating that we wouldn't because we weren't really poorly or very old etc.

She was distraught at bedtime. DH is with her now. She doesn't want to sleep and is convinced I/she or someone else close is going to die.

I thought it was best to be honest and frank but I've just totally messed it up.

Is there anything else I can say to help her understand ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tillyscoutsmum · 17/03/2011 20:01

Bump...

OP posts:

DayVLately · 17/03/2011 20:07

Try not to worry -it is a hard concept for children to get their heads round.

this book is supposed to be very good for helping children understand - it might be worth looking at to give you some ideas.

She may well be worried for sometime but I think you have done the right thing by reassuring her.

I don't know if she is too young to 'normalise' death - ie we all die as its part of life - but we still have memories of that person/pet etc?

DirtyMartini · 17/03/2011 20:07

Oh dear. I don't know but bumping for you.

The thing is, it's not actually true that only very old or very ill people die, is it - so I would maybe avoid saying that again (although I get why you thought it would help). Because lots of little kids, sadly, will learn that it's not true before they get very much older (eg illness, or accidents - I had a classmate who was killed in a car accident when I was small, didn't know her well but it was certainly an eye-opener that it could happen).

What I don't know is what you need to say instead. I will read other replies though, as my DS is a similar age.

ShowOfHands · 17/03/2011 20:08

How does she respond to books? There are lots of lovely ones. Search on here but off the top off my head Badger's Parting Gifts, No Matter What, Goodbye Mog etc.

DD was fine with death as a concept once it became more of a fabric of life thing instead of a scary unknown. She's also developed her very own religious/philosophical views out of it.

At the moment your dd has been introduced to death as something that is going to be sad and will upset you (this if fine, of course you're being honest), but death can be explained in terms of all the people who have gone before and all the people that will come next and books like No Matter What hang the concept on the idea of there being something hopeful and something beyond just the death of a body iyswim. Sort of removing the fear/shock value I suppose.

Please don't worry. You've done nothing wrong. She's just shocked. Reassure her. Gauge whether or not and when she'd perhaps like to read the books, answer her questions and repeat over and over again that most people live to a healthy old age.

I'm so sorry lovey.

varyingdegreesofdeafness · 17/03/2011 20:09

Er, well my dd got introduced to the reality of death about the same age when my gran died. However, she didn't see her when she was dying or dead, possibly the 'appearance' of death rather than the notion has scared your dd?

I did tell dd a lie when she was going through a questioning phase about this, she knows very old / ill people die, and then said 'will you die?' and i said No, because I knoew she was too young to realise how she would be grown up etc etc...
Maybe if she asks again if you will die just while she is young tell a fib and say no you won't, you will just be a very very old lady?

also maybe introduce nice things to think about: eg when my gran died we explained her skeleton was in the ground but her smile, great grans herself was on a bid flffy cloud in the sky because she was so poorly now she will be much happier on a huge fluffy bouncyy cloud, and if any pets die, they are with great gran on a the fluffy cloud... it's getting busy up there!!!

mamsnet · 17/03/2011 20:13

You sound like you've really done your best, and it's a really hard thing you're going through yourself right now, so well done for your efforts for your DD.

I think what SOH has just said is really interesting.. Once they get to the point where it becomes a part of the cycle of life, they lose fear. We're almost there with my DD, who has just been through the whole questioning about life and death phase which often comes around 4.. Yours has just had to come a bit sooner.

Best wishes to you all.

cakeforbrains · 17/03/2011 20:14

So sorry about your aunt.

Death is such difficult thing to have to explain to a 3yr old. You've so not messed up, please don't beat yourself up.

I think children that, age go through a bit of a morbid phase, and she'd probably have asked those sort of questions at some stage anyway. DS1 did a similar thing when he turned 4, he'd always known that his grandad had died when he was a baby but suddenly he wanted to know all the details, and he needed a lot of reassurance that we were not going to die too.

Do you have any belief in life after death? DS1 came up with the idea that we live in the clouds after we die and he seems ok with that, he sometimes talks about what his grandad might be doing there.

There's also a Mog book where Mog dies, which I can't read without sobbing

Hugs x

mamsnet · 17/03/2011 20:15

I also agree that it's ok to give the harsh truth in very small doses.. We began with Only Old People Die and really it has been DD herself who has, little by little, come to the realisation that such is not always the case.

snakesandladders · 17/03/2011 20:22

I think that you have done really well. I think it is important that children know about terminal illness and adults are honest with them.
Perhaps remind her that this is not an illness that is catching.
As others have said give ideas about where she might be, a star in the sky, etc, however if she has ideas of her own don't reject them as nobody knows!
Don't worry about being sad or crying infront of her, it can validate childrens own feelings of sadness.
Be careful not to say anything like 'has gone to sleep' or is 'watching us' obv can be a scary thing for a child.
You could explain that doctors have tried very hard to make her better but this time it couldn't work.
I am really sorry that you are going through this sadness.

This is a fantastic organisation & might be worth a look

varyingdegreesofdeafness · 17/03/2011 20:23

if it's any help, dd is now very blase (sp?) about death. when a neigbours pet died she said 'has he gone to sit with great gran?' and that was the last of it.

she was far more shocked by the news taht when she grows up and is a 'lady' she can learn to drive

Chundle · 17/03/2011 20:31

try not to worry too much - my DD1 who is nearly 7 always talks about death and is still worried i will die - she frequently starts a sentence with "when you're dead in grave...."! i think its a natural curiosuty for kids and i think youve done right thing being honest

Original poster

Tillyscoutsmum · 17/03/2011 20:33

Thanks all. Books are a great idea, will have a look at Amazon now.

I know that its not only really old or really ill people who die but I was hoping to reassure her for the time being and will obviously be more truthful if/when I need to be.

at varyingdegrees- dd is obsessed with being able to drive when she is a "lady" as well

I'm feeling really guilty about taking her today but I wanted to give her chance to say goodbye and I knew my aunt would want to see her (and, practically, I have no one to look after her during the day)

OP posts:

sassyTHEFIRST · 17/03/2011 20:37

TSM, so sorry to hear about your aunt.

I think the death interest/fear is v common at around 4yo. My dd1 had a real morbid fascination at this age - my Mum died young and dd never knew her and would often ask questions about how/why she died etc, where she was now, and sometimes got upset. Difficult. But looking back, I think she was processing the thought that sometimes Mummies die...

It's hard, but I always took the view that it was better to be frank and calm than try and brush over it.

Have you looked at the threads here about using a sock to represent death? ONly works if you believe in a soul though. I will look for you.

sassyTHEFIRST · 17/03/2011 20:40

It's Twiglett's idea.
Here...

Twiglett Fri 21-Jul-06 20:48:17
I put a hand in a glove (well in a sock cos I couldn't find a glove)

I said to DS .. "this is you .. the glove is your body" (wiggling fingers all around), "but the hand is the bit that is really you and some people call that your soul or your spirit" (keep on wiggling)

"when you die your spirit goes on" (gently take hand out of glove and make it keep wiggling and swooping around .. tickling him works too as you gently lay the glove down on the ground)

keeping his attention on the hand swooping I said "when you die you don't need your body any more so your spirit leaves it behind" .. spirit hand keeps swooping and talk descends into tickling

varyingdegreesofdeafness · 17/03/2011 20:43

I like that!! That is the best example i have ever seen! Dd knows the skeleton stays in the ground and the person is on a cloud!

ShowOfHands · 17/03/2011 21:11

I told dd the sock/body thing and she told me 'not to be so patronising'.

DirtyMartini · 17/03/2011 21:15

I love the sock/body thing and if someone did it to me maybe I wouldn't be so freaked out by death myself

Adair · 17/03/2011 21:30

Have only scanned but have you talked about feelings?

So agree, 'yes, it was very sad when the cat died.' (for example) 'I missed her a lot. Sometimes I cry/ I try to remember the happy things we did and you always have pictures and memories'.

Let her experiment with 'feeling' what it will be like to lose people. It is sad and horrible. It's true. Give her a hug and say you love her ad it would be very sad and you promise to look after yourself.

Also we talked about who would look after dd if anything did happen...

|we don't do heaven but have always said we become part of the world again, or 'i don't know - what do you think?'

There are no right answers - just be sensitive.

evolucy7 · 17/03/2011 22:08

We live in a very small village where we often walk through the church and graveyard. My DDs 3 and 4 have not experienced anyone they know dying but from walking through the church, where great great grandparents are buried, and each time we have spoken about them, they are now very matter of fact about death. Luckily it has been possible to do this gradually, do you think a greater exposure in some way to the normality of it would help IYSWIM. I have been asked by 3 year old will you die soon Mummy, and I just said no I don't think so type thing, and then she asked will Great Granny die soon she is old, and I said not for a while. In fact when my 3 year old said will we live with Granny and Grandad when you die Mummy, my 4 year old said no they will be dead too, we will have to live with M a friend at school! I don't really know how they are so blase about it. What you have done so far seems pretty good, perhaps try really normalising it IYSWIM and perhaps explaining where people go, I really think that my DDs seeing the normality of a graveyard helping, but then it is a path we take for a walk.

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