Socially isolated hair-trigger 9 year old

[mumpalump]

Hi

Goodness knows which area I should post this in.

I have a 9 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. My son has always had a problem with flying off the handle when he thinks someone is not being fair or playing by the rules - he completely overreacts and shouts. He is also dyslexic we think. And a lovely boy with a soft heart who adores animals and is really good with toddlers and little ones.

3 years ago he blipped another boy on the head (in a mock sword fight between about 5 of them - they were all at it I believe) - the mother is very influential and decreed that my son was not a good sort for the other kids to play with - he has been invited to no parties or play dates since and has had all invites he has sent out refused other then by a couple of kids in a similar position.

I can understand the immediate reaction but this has gone on for years now. My son is so isolated socially now. His outburts are less frequent (he is aware of his anger management problem and trying very hard with it) but when they do happen he can be more aggressive now.

He has tried so hard with his temper but he does lose it when pushed - the latest incident arose because another boy covered my son's mouth and nose so he could not breath. My lad was scared (he said) but then lost it totally afterwards and was shouting and trying to hit the boy. Of course at that point the teachers are summoned and he is in trouble.

Its wrong of him when he does blow his top but dear god I can see it from his side. He is 9 and has no friends nor really any prospect of any while we are in this village. He struggles with reading and every day is a challenge. What does he (from the viewpoint of a nine year old) have to lose? He is so sad and depressed all the time - and I have no idea how to help him.

I split up with his father 18 months ago but as I am the only breadwinner I am not with him during the week - I have them every weekend though when his dad goes to his girlfriend's house. His father is very very shy and finds it too difficult to try and talk to the other parents.

I am so down about everything. I'm just trying to look after everyone but it all seems to be going wrong. I'm sure this is something I have done or not done but I have no idea what I should be doing.

M

Myfirst question would be, what support is he getting at school? In the school I work in as a teacher, a child with those kinds of anger management issues would have some behaviour support sessions, dealing with recognizing triggers and implementing coping strategies. A good book I have used with a whole class, but could be used one to one is 'theres a volcano in my tummy'.
Are the school doing anything to support his reading issues?
Are the school aware of the social problems?
Blame isn't always helpful or productive and it sounds like you are doing your best in a difficult situation.

It is heartbreaking, isn't it?

My ds age 9 has also had some anger issues in the last 6 months. Interestingly, they did not come out at school but at home and at football.

He started seeing a school counsellor just before Christmas and, fingers crossed, seems to have turned a corner and is now calm, loving, interested in others, etc.

In your situation, where things have gone so far at school, I would be tempted to look at changing schools to somewhere that his so called 'reputation' does not precede him. However, if you live in a village, perhaps this is not possible.

I agree with BoattoBolivia that the school should have resources to help him address his outburst as well as helping him build friendships. We have also looked at The Volcano in my Tummy book which has some scenarios in it that are a useful basis for discussion.

I have no useful advice as my DS is still a baby but i am bumping you because I can't imagine how awful this experience must be for you and your son and i hope some others may spot the post and have useful advice.

The volcano book looks good and is on order from Amazon now!

He had a good day today - which was a surprise given the mess yesterday was (several girls told him he was in trouble and had to stand facing the wall all playtime which he did - but they were lying....little cows...the teachers thought it was a trivial incident not worth punishing them for....I felt they should have had to spend a playtime standing facing the wall!)

Thanks for the support - this site is amazing.

M