Worried about 3.3 yr old - verbally agressive/defeatist/doesn't play alone - what can I do to help? LONG POST

[pipkin35]

DS is 3.3 months. Didn?t really ?tantrum? in the typical sense that my 2 year old DD does BUT, there are aspects of his behaviour that I am worried about. He goes to nursery 3 days a week and has done since he was 9 months old. I am waiting on a nursery appointment to discuss my concerns but wanted to ask MN advice/views in the meantime. (There are questions buried in this long post I?ve bolded them for ease).

I work 3 days a week. We have a routine on days I?m home which involves a group in the AM, quiet time watching DVD/beebies when 2 yr old is napping at home (I do try and sit and cuddle him during these times rather than rush round doing stuff), and then home activity in the PM. We don?t have any family nearby so apart from the staff at nursery he doesn?t really have any other adults around. We don?t have many ?playdates? either so I don?t really see how he interacts with many other children except when we go to these groups. We have regular contact with a 4 yr old boy and they get on although the 4 yr old is more physical and not as verbal.

I don?t know if he needs more ?playmates? at this age, or less?

Although my DD loves these group outings, I?m not so sure about DS. Yesterday, he wandered off with only what I can call ?kicking can? syndrome ? it?s like he?s totally aimless and looking for trouble. He might then go up and try to take off a toy from a much younger child, or verbally start ?hassling? someone. Then comes back to me and wants me next to him the whole time but not ?playing??hard to describe. DD seems much more ?normal?, she?ll wander off by herself, come and check on me, want my participation for a while, tantrum over anything and everything etc?

Sometimes DS seems actively unhappy where we are, not crying as such but sucking thumb, looking a bit lost even though I?m next to him.

Would you stop going to these groups?! When asked if he wants to go, he quite often wants to and enjoys it but only for a really short time. I?m not sure if he just wants more ?mummy time? if he has 3 days at nursery, or what?

He is not aggressive physically but can be aggressive verbally. Now, I?m concerned that he has picked this up from me and am working on my tone of voice etc?but the thing is, he doesn?t ?play? with anything but is happiest when using his imagination such as ?You pretend to be buzz and I?ll be Woody?, or some such. He can do this for hours, switching constantly between real and made up characters and not needing/wanting any props or dressing up just verbally ?role playing?. Not sure if this is him, or me and 1st child syndrome (thrives off adult interaction) or what.

ADHD has crossed my mind although I know little about it but then he will sit and watch a DVD for at least 40 mins without budging, although this is only a recent development. Just because he is extremely verbal doesn?t mean he is emotionally aware/able does it? And how do you encourage that?

Examples - he will get very close to people, point right in their face and shout or growl, ?You go away!? or ?This is not your house!??randomly the other day he was asking (demanding) ?What?s your name?? to a couple of bigger boys ? 8 and 10. He then proceeded to get right into their faces and growl ?My name is?and I?m a big boy??.Obviously, at these moments I can?t always whisk him away, and part of it seems like confidence (? It?s offend one with hands on hips and a lil swagger) so I don?t want to ?squash? it but I don?t want him to be bullying either. And of course, my 2 year old DD is beginning to copy his behaviour.

He will do baking with me for a short time, but not really crafts or puzzles for very long, gets frustrated quite easily. Yesterday when we were trying to make a picture ? with my 2 yr old DD too ? he got bored after about 1 minute. When I was asking him about it he said ?I just want to destroy? ?! WTF? Went into one about ?Daddy won?t like my picture and I want to cut it up? but seemingly out of nowhere and for no reason, we?d previously been having a lovely time.

I am an only child and before having DC hadn?t had any contact with many children so am at a bit of a loss?.

Is this behaviour all 'just normal'?

Any ideas/suggestions/views would be welcome please. It?s starting to really get me down.

It's hard to say what is normal. I guess the big thing to ask is how often is he doing something or saying something that is worrying you? I mean is the behaviour you describe above happening all the time or just now and again?
It doesn't sound like ADHD. I have seen various friends children over the years behaving in a similar way to how you describe and it has probably been an age thing as they are fine now.
Do you think he is happy at nursery? How is he before he goes? Maybe a nice nurturing childminder might be a better option. xx

Thanks mumsiepie. It's not that I think he's 'abnormal' just whether I should be worried about it or not, or how I can help.
Like, tomorrow, I don't know whether to go to our normal group, or just to lay off it?
I know lots of MN will think this is trivial and that I'm stupid to worry about 'kids being kids' but with no parents of my own to ask, and really not that many close friends with young children, toddlerdom can be confusing.
He's never had an issue going to nursery and always runs over to hug me when I pick him up. He seems happy there and I'm happy with the care they offer. Hopefully when I talk to them, they'll have some ideas, it's just generally the staff don't often go beyond the 'He's fine' chat and I need to dig a little deeper.
reluctant ot try childminder for fear of upsetting his routine, and not sure he'd get any more 1-2-1 than it seems he demands?
Thanks for replying though.

Anyone else - please?

At 3.3 I think it sounds relatively 'normal' (which after all is a very wide church) but I can appreciate that you find his behaviour sometimes challenging.

The best people to talk to will be his keyworkers at nursery. They have seen the behaviour of many many other kids his age and will be able to tell you just how normal or otherwise it is.

I have only one dd who is not yet two, but am a primary school teacher (for what its worth)so not sure Im best placed to answer but Ill give it a go (and bump in the process)

1. Playmates - sorry no idea 2 Groups- I'd keep going I think. Even if he finds it difficult, he will need to learn to interact. Maybe you could show him how to play, actually get down on the floor, crawling about, making dens etc (sorry if you do this already) 3 emotionally aware- REad together and ask what the characters are feeling. Make some flash cards and put on a keyring.All faces with different emotions: sad, happy, suprised, angry, jealous, spiteful etc. Get him to show you the appropiate card for the character. When you've done this a fair bit and he's getting good at it. Start using it for his feelings. It might give you greater insight? These resources are all available for purchase btw, including stories with emoitions. They probably come under special needs library books for schools though are useful for all. 4 No idea if its normal, but then whats 'normal' anyway?

Talk to the nursey staff too. Good luck

freeprintablefun.org/2008/04/printantable-emotions-game-autism.html

I used to take my DD2 to various toddler groups. In 2 of them she would be absolutely fine, but in the third she actually hit someone (and an adult too) and clearly hated it. We only went three times. Interestingly, I hated this toddler group as well! The people who ran it were not very welcoming. We continued with the other 2 groups for 2 years, and had lovely times! Also, my DD1 was miserable at her old school, and then she went to another school which she absolutely loves, and is happy now. My point is that environment really does make a difference. I would try a different nursery if I were you. How do YOU feel about this nursery and these groups- what is the atmosphere like- how happy do the children - and the nursery workers - and the other parents!- look? Have a look at other places so you have something to compare it to.

I think it sounds like he is having difficulty relating to other children at playgroups.

I think he may benefit from one on one child play like play dates.

My DD who is also 3 can get like your DS shouts in peoples faces 'Go away!' Has done for about a year or so.
We tell her no and to replace it with 'no thank you'
It works sometimes.

My DD prefers one on one with chldren and adults, and can get lost at playgroups if she does not really know anyone there.
My DD can also loves doing role play. Soudns like your DS has a great immagination.

Perhaps your DS just needs to learn social skills, which just comes with time and practice.