Please help - talking to a 3.5 year old about violent death in the family

[CeeCee123]

My 3.5 year old has always asked endless questions and a couple of months ago started asking about relatives who have died. Basically he figured out that I didn't have a daddy (who died when I was very small) and then my husband's grandfather died and so he began to get used to the idea that some of the people we love have died and are in heaven.

I decided at this point to tell him about my sister, especially as I have a few pictures up of her and also because I still miss her terribly and hate the idea that my children never got to meet her. I simply told him that I had a sister and that she is in heaven too.

Tonight, he decided to get more specific and started asking why people died. He wanted to know for each relative how (in his words) they got ill and died. Trouble is, my sister was, frankly, brutally murdered while living abroad about 10 years ago. The details of what happened were enough to give me post traumatic stress disorder for about three years afterwards. It's only in the last year or two that I've even been able to talk about it with people I don't know, or even mention it at all.

So now, my sweet, innocent little boy wants to know why his auntie died and I'm struggling between flat out lying and coming up with some way of telling him. I'm not for a minute suggesting I get specific, but I worry if I tell him that someone killed her then he'll be scared that he'll be killed. However, I ended up making it sound a bit like an accident by somewhat glossing over the whole truth and I think that could probably be quite scary too.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Does anyone have any book suggestions that cover this kind of thing? I feel a bit lost between wanting to protect my child and answering his questions honestly. It doesn't help that he already knows that my father died when I was a baby and so reassuring him that we won't die for a long time all rings a bit hollow. Or maybe that's just how it sounds to me and I'm entirely projecting.

Sorry for the long post - I'm just struggling for answers here.

dd is 3 and she knows there are lots of very nice people in the world and most people are good. But there are some bad people in the world. Based on that I think I would say a nasty man hurt auntie xxxxx so much that the doctors couldn't help her.

Then I'd reassure my child that we only know nice people and change the subject to what are nice things to do? (cuddling mummy etc) I would be honest and say you loved her very much and miss her - it tells him it's okay to have feelings.

I do believe in honesty, even with young children, but it needs to be very basic and if he asks too deep questions a simple "I don't know sweetheart" may be the best answer. Maybe change it to talk about what your sister was like and show him a picture.

I'm certainly no expert but I am very glad that I grew up knowing that my identical twin sister existed and died when we were 3 months old. It was just something that was talked about - not in detail but there was no great sitting me down to tell me and making an issue, I just always new. I also felt growing up that by being open about her life and not forgetting her helped - I think my parents found it helped. My older brother did the hard work for them as he was 2.5 and bright so he knew one of his sisters had gone and spoke about her a lot, so it was kind of forced upon my parents, but it worked and we are a very close family - no secrets and full trust.

Sorry for such a long answer. It's just my opinion and it's for you to decide what's right for you and your ds. I hope it helps in some way. xx

I think that at 3.5yrs I would go along the lines of Auntie X go hurt very badly and the drs couldn't fix her, dependant upon the circumstances you could maybe give some details of how she was hurt. I dont think i could introduce the idea of somebody murdering her to a child that young.

Then in a few years you can disclose more and say that somebody really hurt her, and then if required give more details as a teenager/adult.

I am so sorry for your loss. That is a terrible thing to have to live with. I hope you find some comfort in your loving memories of her.

I'm glad my DC haven't asked me about my Dad. They all know that my dad died when I was 10 and is in heaven, but despite their ages (DD 13yo, DS1 9yo, DS2 7yo), not one of them has (yet) asked how he died. How in the name of hell do you tell them that he killed himself?! I've worried about it since DD was born, and have never come up with any way of sugar coating it, so tbh I'm hoping that none of them ask until they are at least 16yo.

Firstly, I'm so sorry about your sister.

Personally, I wouldn't even attempt for the next few years to do anything more than littleducks has suggested.

3.5yrs is much, much too young for him to understand any details. You aren't lying to him, you are protecting him from knowledge that is horrible and hard to assimilate, even for an adult. Even 'someone bad hurt her' is far too much info for a 3yo. He doesn't have anywhere near the level of understanding needed to process that concept and he doesn't need to yet.

My DBIL died 11 years ago from SUDEP - he died in his sleep after a massive fit and my dcs (7.2yo, 5.6yo and 4.2yo) just know that he was poorly and the doctors couldn't make him better. I feel that they would worry too much if they knew he died in his sleep as they wouldn't understand the whole epilepsy scenario, they would latch on to dying while asleep which they would dwell on. The eldest is starting to ask more searching questions but I still think he's too young for the whole truth.

If you continue to talk to him about your sister as he gets older there will likely come a time when whatever details you are able to share with him emerge naturally. But I'd personally see that point as being somewhere a long, long way in the future, probably even into early teenagehood.

So sorry about your sister.

I would definitely go for littleduck's explanation. Ds found out at age 6 (totally by accident) that a friend of the family had just been murdered and he was traumatised, to the point of self-harming and trying to jump out of the window. I would never have done that to him intentionally.

Thanks everyone for your help. I really appreciate it. I think if it comes up again I'll go with the idea that she was hurt very badly. I was just totally floored - there we were reading a bed time story and he started asking me questions about how everyone "got ill and went to heaven". It just knocked me for six! I certainly don't want to traumatise him any more than that. It's just a difficult thing to deal with when I don't deal with it too well myself!

CC, you might want look at the Winston's Wish website which offers advice on children and bereavement. I am bringing my DDs up knowing that a close family member committed suicide, following advice from WW. We revisit it a lot, and I sometimes get upset. They are interested but less affected than I would have thought.

So very sorry for the loss of your sister.