Chronic shyness

[Imdoingmybest]

My just turned 4 year old is very chatty and noisy at home but at playgroup she will not talk to the palygroug leaders or indeed any adult she is not familiar with. This has always been the case, most of my family are quite shy people, I was like this myself but i know how it held me back and i forced myself to be more outgoing. My 11 year old son was like this also. I worry that itwill hold them back in life and want to help them with this low self esteem/ confidence issue. Any ideas?

My dd2 is almost 4, was extremely shy at beginning of nursery and is now much much more confident.

How long has your dd been going?

I tend to tell people beforehand that she is shy and to be patient with her (not so she can hear me though) - she just needs time to get used to people which is not a bad thing in terms of safety and stranger danger tbh!!

Also if she's looking terrified about a situation with new people then I get her to tell me before I put her in it what she is worried about and who she would be happy to talk to about this or that. It gives her a plan, I guess. The plyagroup people should understand this - what if she picks her favourite leader and you get her to just say hello and goodbye to begin with, then say to her, why don't you tell x about this exciting thing that happened today? or take an exciting new toy to show - so she's got something worth saying when she goes in. I dunno if that's any help - hope so. It's hard though I know cos you want people to see the best of them don't you? And when they ar quiet as a mouse you feel they are not doing themselves justice or something...

Shyness is not always a confidence or self esteem issue. Sometimes it is a wish for privacy. If she is happy and noisy at home that is important. My daughter rarely talked to strange adults or children at that age, and although at 17she will still choose not to put herself into situations where she is the centre of attention, she is socially very adept and appears confident to others. She will never choose a career as a public speaker but thats ok! When she was younger I learned not to jump in and answer for her too quickly, and I also spoke to the staff at her nursery and asked them to talk quitly and privately to her as that made her more ready to answer. I think that if you dont make an issue of it and dont tell her or other people that she is shy, she will get better. My daughter learned as she got older that if she answered people when they spoke to her, it got them off her back quicker! Celebrate who she is, and dont try to push her into sitautions to make her more outgoing, it wont happen. I should say my daughter will now happily dance on stage in front of 500 people!

Thank you for both those replies, both have given me something to think about. Maybe I'm trying too hard because of my own experiences, but as you say you just want people to see the best in them and you feel they're not going to fulfil the potential that you know they have, maybe I need to take a chill pill and just encourage her slowly to do what she feels comfortable with. Its a hard job parenting eh! Thanks for you help. :)

Maybe notsweating is right about telling people she's shy - I dunno if it's the right approach yet as she's only 3 and my older dd would have made best friends with an axe murderer upon meeting hjim without my intervention in the other direction so its new to me as well. its justthe way ive been doing things up to now.

I agree that not pushing is v important - dd2 will clam up if under pressure and also likes to talk one on one rather than in a group - she doesnt like all eyes on her where dd1 loves it.

Also I think that there is an expectation on kids (a nanny friend told me this) to be superenthusiastic and outgoing, where for adults if you act like that people think you are a nutter! And she's right - I personally am like a puppy dog with new people and I know I can be annoying so have to temper it - but as a child people think it's great. the more reserved children have qualities that are much more lauded when they get older I think.