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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help with 13mo DD having 'tantrums'

21 replies

kateyfer · 11/03/2011 21:07

my apologies - long one!

my DD started having what I would call tantrums when she was 1 year old. I didn't think these really started until children were 2ish, so all advice and guidance I've seen so far on dealing with them isn't really suitable for using with a 1 yr old.

They first started when she got a stomach virus at a yer old, she was vomitting and had diarrhoea and gor v. clingy for days. As she got better, the clinginess turned to screams and shouts whenever she didn't get what she wanted, or when I/my DH left the room.

we tried saying 'no' and praising all the good behaviour, but each time we reacted to the bad behaviour, she would just do it again. After a few days, we just started ignoring it, and this tactic eventually worked.

She was then back to her fabulous little self for a month, with no beaviour issues at all, but has recently had another illness (ear infection and high temp) and again became clingy and demanding. Once again the last 3 days have been a nightmare and a constant battle with her screaming/shouting on and off for hours on end.

any suggestions for dealing with the tantrums at the moment, as I feel I'm on my last nerve? Also, any suggestions for dealing with illness so she doesn't fall into the same pattern next time.?

I'm not a mum who picks their child up constantly or the second they start crying, and have never coddled her or pandered to her particularly, so am struggling to know what to try.

all suggestions welcomed!

TIA

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Habbibu · 11/03/2011 21:16

She's very wee, and too little to really "get" discipline atm, and there's no harm in cuddling a lot at this stage. My mum's top tip (nursery nurse for 50 years and v good at this stuff) - brief, brief and brief again. tell them what's going to happen, and then again and again through the day.

At this age they're just getting an idea that they can have an agenda of their own, and all of a sudden they're whisked away to do xyz. It's what Aitch called the "WTF-ness" of being a toddler - they go from being chilled babies to suddenly - "WHAT'S HAPPENING?!! I was playing and being cuddled and now it's all stopped and I DON'T UNDERSTAND". Seen from this perspective it's a bit easier to understand where the "tantrums" and upset come from. It's not over-coddling to respond sympathetically to such confusion, and won't cause problems in future.

Original poster

kateyfer · 11/03/2011 21:34

I love your description (WTF-ness!) I understand exactly what you mean, and certainly do pick her up for a cuddle when she is genuinely upset about something. 90% of her shouting/screaming is pure temper though (e.g. I'll take a plastic toy hammer away from her that she was smacking herself (hard) in the head with...)

OP posts:

Habbibu · 11/03/2011 21:38

Yes, it is temper, but it's frustration - she doesn't understand why you've taken the hammer away, because bonkers as her actions seemed, it was what she wanted to do at the time, and it's maddening for them when stuff suddenly STOPS - they just don't have the capacity to get it. So when you need to do this - and of course, you do, it's just that she doesn't get that - have a quick distraction in place, whisk her away, make her laugh, and if you can develop a stream-of-consciousness type chatter (my mum is an expert - I usually forget until it's too late or unless I'm with someone else's child, when I'm really good at it) that helps a lot - just chatter inanely as you change the situation, and distract distract distract.

Distracting and briefing are, i think, the two best tactics you can have with a toddler.

AngelDog · 11/03/2011 21:38

Children do this when their brains are working on a develompental spurt (there's one around 13 months). You can read about it in The Wonder Weeks.

The scientists who wrote it describe behaviour in the run up to a spurt as 'clingy, cranky and crying'. It often calms down again once the spurt is over.

She's too little for trying to reward good behaviour etc IMO. What I do with my 14 m.o. DS is to explain everything that's happening, phrase everything positively ("you can play in the sink tomorrow" rather than "you can't play in the sink now" / "leave the books on the shelf please" rather than "don't touch the books").

I also describe to him what seems to be going on. I might say: "I can tell you're really frustrated that you can't play with the computer. I'd be frustrated if I wanted to play with it but I wasn't allowed. Look! Here's a lovely ball to play with .

Distraction is your friend at this age I think.

Habbibu · 11/03/2011 21:41

Ooh - that's interesting, Angel - didn't know that spurt thing, but it makes sense. yy to positive phrasing - esp as it's a really good habit to get into for older children - dd who's now 4 is a dream to manage if you just phrase things right, but does start kicking when I start saying plain no stop etc too much, and when I "play myself back" I can see how it's bloody annoying.

AngelDog · 11/03/2011 22:39

Another thing I do is to give time warnings. So I say "one minute more then playing at the sink will be all gone." Of course, DS has no idea how long a minute is, but he's learning that I give him a warning before taking him away from a fun activity. With things we do every day (like playing at the sink, which he loves) he is gradually getting less frustrated when I actually take him away from it as he knows in advance that it's going to stop.

DS is pretty sensitive to the developmental stuff - it's what causes sleep regressions as well as fussy eating / refusal to eat / bad mood / temporarily challenging behaviour.

Habbibu · 11/03/2011 23:11

yy, that's kind of what I was meaning as part of "briefing", first the whole day, then the morning, then the next hour, then time warnings etc ad nauseam. It feels weird to start with, but it's a way of doing the stream-of-counsciousness thing that seems to help as well. dd started using it back to me after a while...

AngelDog · 11/03/2011 23:13

Habbibu · 11/03/2011 23:21

Hah - found it - wrote it down for grandparents:

dd and I were off to do some shopping but walked up to the postbox to post a card first. On the way back to the car, we had the following exchange:

DD. (after a thoughtful silence) "Now Mummy."

Me "Yes?"

DD. "When we get into the car, I will get into my carseat By Myself. And you won't help me. Because it will Make Me Sad"

Me. (falls about laughing)

I suspect she was trying to head off a tantrum. And it worked!

AngelDog · 11/03/2011 23:28

Aw, bless her. :)

mamatomany · 11/03/2011 23:35

I'm not a mum who picks their child up constantly or the second they start crying,

Personally I do pick my child up constantly and am there the second they start crying and can honestly say we've never had a trantrum I couldn't stop with distraction or a raised eyebrow.
Don't believe people who might say if you give them too much attention, cuddles you'll spoil them, quite the opposite. Especially when they aren't well.

Original poster

kateyfer · 12/03/2011 08:50

hi everyone, thanks for your advice, especially the positive phrasing suggestions ad the information about the developmental surge at 13 months - this really does seem to sum up her stages/patterns of behaviour.

I'll certainly give the distractions/positive phrasing a go.

OP posts:

Happylander · 12/03/2011 21:02

Thanks for posting this OP I have picked up some good tips to try. My DS though hates being held when he is throwing a tantrum and sometimes I don't even know why he is throwing one...bad of me I know. I have tried cuddling him but this can make a tantrum go on for ages as he tries to push me away. If I leave him to just tanrum it out wherever he is, he gets over it much quicker. Tried distraction but again doesn't seem to work as it's like he is in some kind of zone . Any ideas??

mamatomany · 12/03/2011 23:09

I just avoid situations where I know they'll kick off but it's taken me 10 years to compile a comprehensive list of places not to take toddlers. Restaurants and supermarkets being top of the list.

Habbibu · 13/03/2011 19:27

"sometimes I don't even know why he is throwing one...bad of me I know" - no, not bad of you, completely normal; toddlers are put on earth to bewilder and be bewildered. If he gets out of it when left in peace, then leave him in peace where you can, otherwise remove him somewhere safe (probably kicking and screaming) and then let him get on with it.

Happylander · 13/03/2011 20:57

thank you Habbibu.

Blatherskite · 13/03/2011 21:19

My 14 month old DD is having tantrums at the moment and they are definitely caused by a developmental spurt!

She wants to walk. She can walk, she's done 7 or 8 steps all by herself when she's been distracted and on her feet. But she does't want to walk by herself, she wants to walk while holding a hand - from the lounge and into the kitchen, back to the lounge, back to the kitchen, back to the lounge, back to the kitchen, back to the lounge, back to the kitchen....ad infinitum!

DH and I will walk backwards and forwards with her for a while but inenitably we get bored before she does or we need to do something or Ds needs something and stopping makes her go crazy!

If we pick her up she arches her back and screams! If you let go of her hand, she folds herslf up on the floor and screams! and it goes on for ages. It's frustrating because she could walk by herself, she just doesn't want to

No idea what you should do but wanted you to know you weren't alone

Habbibu · 13/03/2011 21:30

yy, blathers! I saw this kind of thing much more in ds than dd - he's so desperate to do what she does, he's in much more of a hurry and gets so much more vexed. He's also a lot more like his mother in temperament!

Blatherskite · 14/03/2011 08:35

Yes Habb, no idea where DD got her stubborn streak from

Original poster

kateyfer · 14/03/2011 13:25

re: blatherskite - this is exactly what my DD is doing at the moment. started taking independent steps before Christmas, was doing really well, and getting v. confident, then got sick, got clingy and all her confidence left her. will only walk now holding on to someone's finger, and immediately drops to the floor if we encourage her to walk by herself. cue lots of screaming when we stop walking her around...

OP posts:

Blatherskite · 14/03/2011 13:37

Yes, sounds exactly the same! Glad to know Im not alone too

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