Is there anything I can do to help DD go into nursery with a smile and not sobbing her heart out?

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

DD is 3.2 years old, very independent in lots of ways but clingy in others, probably like most children actually!

She has been going to a daycare nursery once a week for 2 years and only in the last month have I been able to leave her without her crying. I think this is because she has a best friend there now and she is excited about seeing her.

Since January she also attends a pre-school nursery twice a week. I take her one day and MIL takes her the other. We have lots of chats on the way about her being a big girl and being happy and not sad and me picking her up soon etc but without fail every time she stands in the middle of the room sobbing her little heart out when I go.

I'm told she is fine when MIL takes her and when questioned, DD says she only cries when I take her because she wants me.

I know that she's fine 5 minutes after I leave and, although it upsets me I can deal with it. But I hate that the 5 minutes before she goes in and the 5 minutes after I leave are such an emotional rollercoaster for her. Is there anything I can do to make it easier for her? I even tried bribery this week and she still howled. I think I find the pre-school worse because the day care someone will always come over and comfort her but it's more of a schooly atmosphere at the pre-school and they are less inclined to do that, although they are generally very nice.

It sounds very PFB when I read it back but she's the only child that does this, the others skip merrily in and don't look back.

My dd has just stopped this at 4.5.

In the first nursery I stopped her going after a term when they told me that she had 'stopped crying several times during the morning' and then admitted she cried nearly the whole morning for a term!

I tried bribery, reasoning, sending in toys and photos, then I found a place which suited her better. It was a much smaller group and they spend most of their time outside. She then only cried as I was leaving and I thought that we could both put up with the 5 minutes of misery. Even that is now rare, although she still looks devastated and hunches up like a little woodlouse as I walk out.

I think some do find it harder than others. Don't let anyone tell you that you are being PFB - the unhappiness is real (but may have to be endured). If a child is really unhappy - my dd was dreaming about it and worrying even at weekends - I think you should rethink the setting if possible.

Im a nursery nurse and a mum of 3 (big) boys.

As you know she doesnt cry all day,but either way it makes you feel like crap so what you can do to ease this is talk about the day and the routine in nursery...coat pegs,snacktimes,playing with toys,favourite teachers etc etc tell her about your day but make it appear dull ... so Emma is going to nursery to see Mrs wilkes and to show her your nice red shoes and the shiny pebble from the beach and mummy will go to tesco get some bread and some bananas tidy the house and take barney the dog for a walk and when weve finished that we can all have tea together and read your comic,dont milk out the bye bye,quick kiss and a hug then off you go (dont look back more than once)at home time you say how youve missed her and how youve done all your jobs and admire her pics or whatever shes done that day.

Stick with it - it will get better .

Thanks both. Funnily enough the only way I can actually get out of the door is to say I'm going to the shops to buy dinner. If I say I'm going home she wants to come too!

Will have a think about that and try what you said. Short goodbyes are not happening, could definitely work on that.

nickschicktotally agree with the 'mummys going shopping'comment.i did this with both my ds1 & 2 and still continue to do so with ds2.:)

gwendolinemarylaceyi completly sympathise with what your going through.my ds are 3 and 6 and i have been through your situation with them both. :(

it is a terrible feeling i know and i remember the sick feeling sneaking up on me every morning when ds2 said 'i dont want to go to school mummy'.he would cry from the minute he got up to the minute he got to school.it was awful.

as terrible as it is the only thing that worked for me was perseverence.i would try to brush over the question 'have i got school today'and try to take his mind off it by playing with him in the mornings for a while after his breakfast.i would also tell him how 'boring' my morning was going to be as i was going to the boring shops while he was really lucky to get to go to an exciting school and do lots of lovely things (put in things dd enjoys while she is in school).

things are better with my ds2 now and he is settled well in nursery now.when it is happening to you .you cant seem to see light at the end of the tunnel.but trust me it will get better.

maybe you could have alittle chat with dd teacher and see how she gets on after you leave.maybe you will feel a bit better if you know she is enjoying after you leave.

good luck.:)

I have a 2 year old who does this. She talks excitedly about school in her 2 (and 4 months) type way and really thrives there. She gets a glowing "report" each day (goes 2 days a week 9am-3pm). She eats and sleeps there very well and doesn't cry apart from when I leave.
For the last 2 months we have been trying quick goodbyes and the crying when I go has got less, but still is there- actually last week it was back to full tilt, again only short-lived though.
It's not nice she does it, but I think she can't really help it, she does have a real attachment to me and something is triggered when I leave even though the care and playing etc she gets at "school" is fantastic. I'm hoping she'll stop doing it soon, but perhaps she won't (!).
My son was similar at his day-care place but got over it by the time he went to pre-school at 2.5. However DD will stay at this day-nursery until nearly 4 so I hope she does get over it. I remember when my husband took my son he didn't cry, but no chance of him being able to take DD, goes too early.
I would ignore it if she is enjoying her time once you've gone, it does become rather a self-fulfiling prophesy (ie habit!). I would only be concerned as pp say if it's worrying her at other times/ interfering with sleep/she is miserable the whole morning.

I don't see any reason why the preschool shouldn't help her to say goodbye just because it's more schooly. Have you spoken to them about it?

Maybe the teacher could take her by the hand or give her a special job to do when she arrives? I know a 6yo who gets a special job to do in the mornings to stop her sobbing, so I don't think it would be unreasonable to do the same for a 3yo.

I certainly don't think you are being PFB at all. It's horrible for both of you and I think the teachers should be doing all they can to make it less difficult.

I used to tell my sons I was either going shopping or I was going to do ironing. They still hate both of these activities.