In tears and just at my wits end :(

[plexi321]

Had the absolute worst day today :( My 4.5year old son had the worst tantrum I have ever seen! We (husband,son, and I) recently moved (November) from the UK to the states. We had a very full life back in the UK. He had loads of friends in and out of nursery/pre-school. I wasn't working, still not, but every day was organized with friends and other kids. So this move has been a major wrench for him and we were fully expecting something...but not this :(

Went to town to get him a coveted magicians deck of cards, HE decided when in store that he didn't want them and wanted something else. 5 blocks from home (walking/scooting) he flips out and starts saying he wanted the magic cards and i could do nothing to talk him down. He was hitting,kicking,spitting, and screaming. time outs there and then, threats and taking away of toys, nothing seemed to work. It was the worst spot and what made it worse he kept trying to run away, near major traffic. I lost it and started crying, which seemed to spur him on even more. Finally made it home after what seemed like hours.

This little boy has been a dream pretty much,cried for the first 8months (colick). but since then has been wonderful, often thought how grateful I am that he was so lovely. Now I just feel like who is this boy and what happened to my little guy :( I keep hoping it's a phase but somehow I feel like serves us right for moving and tearing him away from all that is familiar.

He's had tantrums, mostly since we've moved, but never to this extent. My mum reckons he needs professional help, or we do to help with this. I really am floundering and all i can think is I don't want to be with him for fear of it happening again. :(

Please any advice

Hi plexi,
My twins are only 18 months but I didn't want you to go unanswered and I don't expect there are many people around at this time.

You have all ben through a real wrench in moving away from a settled life in the UK to something new. This is scary for all of you but especially for DS. It sounds like he's playing at "what happens if...", seeing how committed you are to him, testing how much he is in control - maybe feels like control has been taken away from him as he has left his familiar home and friends (and even TV 'friends') and it wasn't his choice.

Tantrums are a classic way of expressing frustration at lack of control. Had through it is, try to see this as just a phase while he gets used to the new situation as he will in time.
Can you put some very clear routines in place for him so that he has lots of certainty in his day? Talk him through things and give him plenty of warning? Try not to change plans at the last minute and spend lots of time as a family doing familiar family things?

And how are you? Is DH supportive? Sounds like you too need a big hug, someone to run you a bath and give you a back rub. Also sounds like you are doing a terrific job in tricky circumstances.

DS will come round and be back to the happy boy he normally is.

Have you read 123 Magic? Lots of MNetters swear by it and it might be what DS needs to make clear to him where his boundaries are - if he hasn't played up much before this maybe you haven't needed to discipline him much, iyswim?

It seems like a phase. You have made a huge move and he is just old enough to understand everything is in flux. Get out to groups and classes and meet people and start making it normal again. Its tough, and he likely picks up on your and DH's stress of the move too. SEeing you cry spurns on more of this behaviour in him means he knows how to push your buttons and its working. Give him time, and yourself.

Thank you for the messages, it really is so nice to hear from anyone at this point. I know the whole thing is a phase and a result of the move, his age, etc. It's just nice talk about it, my husband in supportive but if I'm honest he's not exactly hands on with the parenting. I am definetly the "heavy" and that is why I'm bearing the brunt of his anger. It's just so tiring and stressful. I swear I and getting more and more grey hairs cause of this!

@brambrack, thank for the message, I hope you're getting some sleep! I'm going to look into the 123 thing as I remember a friend talking about it back home, and having positive results.

@gotArt thank you for the message, and you're right I knew it when I started crying that he would be spurned on. I just couldn't hold it back :(

Hi I have a 4.6 year old daughter and she has tantrums.I think they are relatively common.
My DD has been known to try and bite my hand, hits me, cries and did try and run off today.
Usually the cause is a very minor issue. Today she wasn't allowed a chocolate bar in the newsagent. We got outside and she stood wailing, wouldn't move and if I went toward her she ran in the opposite direction. So I walked slowly away.....and she followed at a distance still wailing and ocasionally shouting 'I hate you' Several people asked her if she was lost and one woman asked me if she was my child.
After 3 DDs I am immune.She is the one on the learning curve

Thanks for the message, I wish I had had the cool to walk away slowly, I was terrified he would run into the street tho. I like to think he wouldn't but you never know right. You sound like a seasoned veteran of the parenting thing, and I love your comment about the learning curve!

FYI - I have placed 1-2-3 magic on hold at the library and will be going by later to pick it up. Looks like it parenting book reading over the weekend.

Plexi, your sitn sounds similar to mine - we moved to US when ds was 3 1/2 and having been a super toddler with none of the terrible two's or threes really became a horror around age 4-5.

He used to slap me - only on 2 or 3 occassions and I have to say I really didnt handle it very well - we got into arguments and he would have these masive melt-downs.

I did put it down to the whole upheaval and him picking up on my own issues with the move - loved it after about 6-9mnths but found it very hard initially to make a life again for myself when I had a very full life of challenging part-time work and busy social life. Getting him into a proprer school setting helped although we did then face the tantrums brought on by the exhaustion of the school day.

Perhaps take a step back from the situation and next time theres a tantrum take a totally different approach to it, ie be quitet if you normally shout, ignore if you normally give attention, spk softly - so they have to calm down or struggle to listen, have a clear agenda and consequences and stay firm..

the mantra 'this too will pass' is useful

Good luck

wow thebonkers it does sound just like your situation. I know this too shall pass but when your eyes feel like they are going to pop out cause of crying and tiredness it's hard to see the brightside.

I'll try the opposites approach, if it happens again, fingers crossed it doesn't tho :(

and thanks again for all the advice/stories I really appreciate it

Do you think your DS is just feeling a mix of unhappiness, fear and homesickness and is unable to articulate those feelings other than by having a tanty?

I have no advice as my DD is only 9 months and not yet able to have tantrums, but have you heard of a book called 'How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk'? It is recommended a lot on here. I have read it in preparation for the difficult child-rearing years to come(!!!) and it might help. Worth a read anyway judging by the number of people who recommend it.

I have a lovely dream child but we also hit a hard patch when we moved. Everything changed in my little ones life - friends,playgroups, town, routines, houses etc - and i know he felt lonely and missed our old life. Infact one day after having attended playgroup for 6 months months he said'i don't really know these people mum and they don't know me'. People say children are resiliant but i think otherwise. Everything had changed and i was the only constant thing in it.It took about 6 months to get over the worst and after a year and a half he seemed much much more settled. Now he is back to his fun,happy confident self. Maybe if he had been much younger or had had siblings he might have found the transition easier? The best thing you can do is support your son, play with him and have fun with him. Also encourage new friendships.

Hi Plexi321 my 4.5 DS is having a tantrum of a time too. Was such a sweetheart and it's tough, but he's such a lovely boy he's just trying to cope with starting school with 29 other kids he doesn't know. His younger brother is hitting the terrible twos and Mum, boy can I shout. We've been fortunate that the big tantrums have happened at home. But there was an icecream incident this weekend. He wanted one now and it was too early. Now I think "Let him have the icecream". Does part of you think you should have said "ok, let's go and change to the magic cards"? I don't know about you but my DS is so good at so many things: eating, sleeping, getting clothes on holding a conversation, crossing roads. Perhaps we need to give them a little choice and more responsiblility and stay calm. Sorry, sorry, I'm really talking myself through this here and am in no way criticising you, that'd be all you need. Good luck so far. I bet he's a lovey kid.

It's been a big change for you all and you are always going to bear the brunt of it - you're going to have to ride out the storm and hope that once you all get a bit more of a routine that things settle down. We were renovating a house last year and up to christmas and the beginning of this year our house felt like one major war zone. The reality was that our little 4.5 year old was worked up about moving house again in the same year - nothing else was changing - but he was worrying about alsorts of things. A few weeks down the line everyone has commented on how much better he is. He was just the same before he started school. My DS hates change and hates things to be different - but he can't intellectualise that, he just behaves badly.

I feel for you - not knowing people well and not having friends and family around makes it hard but hopefully that will come in time.
Take care

Be strong!!!

He sounds lovely and just a bit upset/unsettled about the move which is normal.

I think you are upset as this behaviour has taken you unawares- as you say he's been pretty good and these sort of tantrums do shock you when you're not used to them (!). Tantrums in 4 year olds are not pretty (I've experienced a few )

So....hopefully time will heal and as he gets more into a routine and gradually makes new friends etc things should settle down. Is he at school/pre-school?

Can you talk to him in 4 year old language a bit about how he might be feeling- in very open/easy language re new place/taking a while to make friends and get to know people and places- set the scene so he can chat a bit about it. In the meantime support and do stuff with him maybe more than you used to so he starts to feel "at home".

You may need to increase your armour re the tantrums. As pp said change your reaction if what you do at the moment isn't working. If my DS is ever really bad I pick him up and hold onto him until he calms down or at least promises to calm down. Can you do this? He hates this! so generally it works. The opposite is also very effective- the walking away, but you can only do this if you are confident they are not so out of control they will hurt themselves.

Try to chill out and take it in your stride- are you feeling settled yet? Probably not, it just takes time. Took me best part of a year after moving to feel settled and that wasn't abroad!

Good luck!

Thanks again for all you messages.

Things have gotten worse tho :( we've had two major, scream the house down, kicking, throwing tantrums this week alone! I am having a hard time sleeping and am very stressed. Top it all off I found out my sisters husband has been cheating on her and it looks like they are heading for a divorce after 20 years together and 2 kids (10&8).

2011 has not been good so far :(

I got the 1-2-3 magic book after the last talk/post on here. It seems to be very good, but am concerned that he may get mixed messages as they are doing a count to 5 method at school?

You know whats funny about all this is I can step back and see exactly what is wrong and I just need to sort it out. I think I'm feeling depressed as well and that isn't helping.

We'll get thru it I know and once again thank you for all your suggestions and advice.