Forgetful DD - parental 'oh well' shrug or consequences?

[Earlybird]

DD was given a lovely new fleece a week ago.

She wore it to a friend's house for a playdate/sleepover at the weeknd, and came home without it. DD thought she left it at friend's house, so I didn't chase it up - simply expected it to be returned to dd today at school.

The fleece did not arrive. I called the sleepover home, and friend's Mum says the fleece is not there, and thinks perhaps dd left it at a restaurant or cinema.

Now that it is clear that the fleece is probably gone for good (I'll call just to be sure, but don't hold out much hope), I am torn about what to do.

Would you count it as 'a shame' and leave it at that, or should there be some other consequences for dd? I am quite angry with her about it, but don't want to over-react - but also don't want dd to think it is ok to be so careless and forgetful.

DD has just turned 10 btw, and the fleece was a birthday gift from someone who was thrilled to give dd such a lovely gift as it was well outside what they normally could afford.

WWYD?

I agree that there should be some consequence, but don't know quite what either.

Would I be hideously mean to make her buy another fleece with her savings? It would cost about £25 - which takes her about 3 months to save up from allowance...so would be significant in her world.

If that is too harsh, does anyone have other suggestions?

And of course, the fleece was too new to even have her name in it - not that that would have made a difference.

I don't know what we're going to say to the person who gave it to her - they were so pleased with their gift.

Not sure on this one. I was terrible for forgetting things when I was young and my mum used to go mad at me. I remember clearly her saying things like "you would remember if it was something you wanted" if for example I had forgotten to pick up the thing she needed when I went to the shops (so I was clearly 10+ to be going to the shops and remembering) but I just remember feeling really upset about getting told off because the forgetfulness was regardless of whether the thing was for me or not, and I really had no control over it. I still remember now at 40 year old how hurtful the comments from my mum were as to me they implied that somehow I had done these things on purpose.

I am no better now to be honest, and can go out and come back with everything but the thing I went out for in the first place.

So definitely make her understand the loss and the cost to replace, but don't make her feel too guilty for what was just absent mindedness.

I could have written your post. DD, also just 10, has gone off to school this morning in plimsolls (lost school shoes), no tie, no water bottle (at least 3 lost this term), lunch in a plastic bag as she has lost her lunch box, and half her home work as she didn't bring it home last night. I despair at her forgetfulness and carelessness and have tried the understanding bit but it doesn't seem to work.

I'm afraid I lost my rag this morning and started ranting about secondary school being 18 months away and how she would have to be more organised and out the house at least an hour earlier (she's always late). So I'll be watching this thread with interest.

As far as consequences go, I'm going to start doing that I think, haven't so far.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I know dd didn't do it on purpose but think she gets so wrapped up in her own world that she can't be counted on. Usually I am there to 'catch' her, and can scoop up anything left behind. But, obviously I wasn't with her on this occasion.

I wouldn't be nearly so upset if it was an old, worn-out fleece but as this one had only been worn once or twice it is a loss. And, I feel terrible about it for the person who got it for dd.

I've calmed down a bit now, but still don't know what to do. Any more thoughts, suggestions or commiserations?

I understand why you are upset but I think you are more worried about the person who gave it to her being upset...rather than understanding that it was just a mistake. I'm sure she didn't leave it behind on purpose so, while I understand how frustrated you must be, I also don't think it is right to punish her too much for it. You've said yourself that you wouldn't be nearly as upset if it was an old fleece - but surely if your point is that she needs to be less forgetful, then you would be just as cross about an old fleece. I think you are more upset about what your friend will think.

Perhaps instead of making her use 3 month's of her pocket money (which does sound a little harsh), she should have to put some money towards it but not the whole amount.

I would certainly ring the cinema and restaurant.

DSs left their coats on a park bench 20 miles away once. We got them back as someone had handed them in to the sports centre at teh place.

It is frustrating - my 9yo DS is pretty poor at rememebring stuff too. I think maybe I do too much when I am with him - Earlybird I too scoop up after him! Maybe we should just be reminding them when leaving to go any where - have they checked that they have everything they need/came with? Would 'training' in this way help in the future?

i think it's difficult as 10 is still quite young to grasp the true monetary value (and that some adults might find it more difficult to afford things than other adults)

but i would try to help her understand there are consequences to losing things and that she should make an effort to find it again, rather than just writing it off.

can you go with her back to the cinema/ restaurant and get her to ask about it or help her to ring to try and find out if it is there? Maybe you can find a way so that this is something she needs to do before she gets on with something fun

Isn't the natural consequence of this behaviour simply that she no longer has her lovely fleece?

Ladies - thanks so much for your thoughts/advice.

The fleece has been located - thankfully. The playdate host found it at a little restaurant where they stopped in for a snack.

Alls well that ends well.....