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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Playful parenting - How many times a day do kids laugh?

16 replies

Again · 07/03/2011 21:44

I have a 3.8 year old DS and a 3 month old DD. My ds is extremely bright - he can read fluently and is particularly keen on numbers. He often falls asleep doing maths on his fingers. He is very intense and I've recently seen him having difficulties relating to other children, but there are a couple, particularly older girls that he gets on with well. Most of the kids I know are boys though. My mother-in-law told me that she feels he will always have problems socially because of his intelligience.

I read Playful Parenting shortly after my dd was born and have spent the last 2 months trying to play with my ds as much as possible to help us to reconnect. I have good days and bad days. The play is fascinating in that he replayed the first time he met his new sister. He also played a game where he took off all his clothes and pretended he was being born and was stuck and told me to call the midwife. He also pretends he is breastfeeding a dolly.

However a comment that the author Lawrence J.Cohen made is haunting me. He said that toddlers laugh approximately 300 times a day. This certainly is not true of my ds and I think that I am working overtime trying to make him 'happy' and that he either fakes it or ignores me.

I worry that he worries about everything. I feel that childhood should be more fun for him. He is rarely completely carefree with me. My husband doesn't notice this with him, so maybe it is just with me. Is this normal? I feel that no matter how much time I spend with him it is never enough. He never seems secure. He needs me 24/7 and up until my DD was born he wanted to sleep with his face touching my face.

OP posts:

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pippylongstockings · 07/03/2011 21:57

I think all children are very different.

I can relate to alot of what you are posting about because I see it with my sister and her DS. He is bright but very serious - he doesn't relate well to other children he has struggled to fit in at school because he just doesn't 'get' the way the other children play. He enjoys thing that interest him but often just that one thing say Gormiti's or Dinosaurs. They have worried if he is gifted and talented. I have worried if it is something else.

However. I have 2 DS and they are very different from each other. DS1 wears his heart his sleeve and he does laugh out load alot but he also cry's alot too. DS2 doesn't laugh as much but is a much easier child to relate to.

From what you are saying it seems your son is sorting out his feelings from having a new sibling and that he is looking for where he now fits.

Meglet · 07/03/2011 22:02

My DC's (4 & 2) hardly ever laugh at / for me. They laugh a lot for each other, mainly when one of them say's 'willy' or 'bottom'.

There is a lot more laughter in this house now they are both talking and play together. But I'm out of the loop and let them get on with their playing, I just referee.

hester · 07/03/2011 22:15

300 times a day?! Not my two. My firstborn, especially, was a very serious, introverted, intense little girl - till she turned 4, when she started lightening up. Today I watched her playing in the park with some of her schoolfriends (she's in Reception) and I couldn't believe it was the same child; two years ago people were suggested I had her tested for autism. She inherited this from me, I'm sure: I was an anxious, fearful, introverted child, and found it impossible to connect with other children.

My second child is much smilier (probably because not my birth child) but still - 300 times a day? They'd never stop, surely?

I think it's great that you're focusing on helping your ds focus on play and fun. I do worry, from your post, that you've set yourself up with an exacting programme and a rigorous target. Your ds will probably never laugh 300 times in one day, and you must ensure you and he don't experience this as an additional pressure. He is who he is, and you must make him feel that that is more than good enough.

Best of luck. I feel for you, and hope all works out.

Original poster

Again · 07/03/2011 22:34

Thanks for your comments. A couple of you mentioned autism and to be honest I did mention it to his montessori teacher. She said he's very young and to keep an eye on it. He is made about older people though. It's those the same age or younger that he struggles with. I think that I am probably passing my anxiety onto him. Ever since my mother-in-law mentioned that she felt he would alway struggle to socialise, it has become my obsession.

On the 300 times a day though, I was stunned.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 07/03/2011 22:39

if your child was awake for 10 hours a day that would be 30 laughs an hour...a laugh every two minutes for 10 hours...no way!

tryingtoleave · 08/03/2011 01:14

How many times a day does an adult laugh? You couldn't answer that because all adults are different and so are children.

I'm a fairly introverted person. I have friends and need friends but I have never had a particularly exciting social life. I think I would be happy with that except that my mother was always disappointed that I wasn't going out more. I think the worst thing you can do is to put pressure on your ds to be something that he is not - happier, more social etc. Just appreciate what he is and let him do what makes him happy. He is obviously very bright; it doesn't always make for the easiest life but you can't change that - you might as well embrace it.

cory · 08/03/2011 07:58

tryingtoleave and others speak wise words

angsting about someone not having enough fun is the best way to make sure they have less fun than they otherwise would

you really want to watch that it doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy

it is not even guaranteed that just because your ds is very clever at 3 he will still be unusually clever at 8: children develop in fits and starts

and there is certainly nothing that says that someone who is clever must struggle socially, or that someone who struggles socially at 3 will still have problems at 8

(my own dd was a very shy child at 3 and very social by 8)

but if any child of mine laughed 300 times a day, I think I'd need medication! Sounds totally unbearable.

rabbitstew · 08/03/2011 08:24

Maybe they mean each giggle? I'm sure each laugh contains at east 5 giggles... So, you only have to put up with the cackling 60 times a day. Or throw any book away that claims to have counted numerous children's laughs throughout an entire day.

I think it's best to be yourself around your ds - as you say yourself, trying to make him laugh is really just passing your anxiety on to him and making him feel obliged to laugh to keep you happy. He doesn't sound like a depressed or sad little boy, he sounds as though he is pretty happy in his own skin most of the time and knows what he likes. You really can't predict his future social abilities accurately at such a young age. Try to enjoy your serious little boy and don't take your mother-in-law's comments to heart.

colditz · 08/03/2011 08:30

firstly, he's not a toddler, he's a preschooler and will be starting school in September, and they do calm down by his age. Secondly, the 300 times a day thing is an average, to take into account solomn children like my friend's 3 year old, and nutters like my two who never ever stop (my children EASILY laugh 300 times a day)

Get him into a preschool if he isn't already there. he needs to mix.

Hullygully · 08/03/2011 08:54

My ds has always (like me)tried to laugh as much as possible, and he and I laugh together all the time. DD is much more serious and does laugh, but doesn't look for it as DS and I do IYSWIM. Look at adults around you, some laugh all the time, some never. Kids are no different.

Bumpsadaisie · 08/03/2011 11:35

I think a lot of it is personality. My DD is 21 months and a little joker - she likes doing funny turns and getting everyone to laugh with her. Other children are more serious minded and less diva-like!

Original poster

Again · 08/03/2011 21:04

Thanks for all of your responses. I think that part of it is me coming to terms with having a new baby. I just had a very hard day yesterday where I told stories from 7 am to 8 pm. Anytime I fed the baby he would sit on my lap and pull my head towards him saying 'what happened next' after every sentence. He's not joyless and although he has pretty much stopped playing on his own, he is good at coming up with ideas about things we can do with him. He goes to montessori 4 mornings a week and they've advised that he wait until 2012 to go to school as he might find it difficult in a class of 30.

My greatest worry really is that he will feel that I don't honour who he is, but I just can't seem to stop feeling anxious about things

OP posts:

AngelDog · 08/03/2011 21:33

I think the 300 times a day is an average. I'd read that children laugh around 300 times a day, and adults around 17 times a day. I can think of adults who laugh a lot more than that, and adults who laugh a lot less, without it being an indication of anything more sinister. I'm sure it's the same with children.

I think it's pretty normal to worry about your children, especially after a comment like your MIL made. Lots of intelligent people have no problems socially so I don't think the two go together.

Lots of parenting books suggest that boys don't really start properly interacting with others till they're 3, so he's really only in the early stages of social learning now.

crazygracieuk · 09/03/2011 12:13

I have 3 kids and they are very different. My oldest is very serious and rarely laughed. It was when his younger sister was old enough to play with that he started giggling much more. It seems to be silly things like "Mum has a big bum" that makes them chuckle. I doubt that he has ever laughed 300 times in a day.
My youngest is the complete opposite and would do more than 300 easily.He's very laid back, cheeky and giggly.
My middle child is in between so between them they might clock up the 300.

With regards to social skills, my youngest is in Reception and his social skills are miles ahead of this time last year.

Don't be hard on yourself- try to relax.

IsItMeOr · 09/03/2011 12:47

Hi Again,

If you've got a 3mo as well as a pre-schooler, you're doing well to be reading a book yourself (that isn't Aliens Love Underpants) as far as I'm concerned.

I found the Playful Parenting book so helpful, as I was finding myself feeling pretty joyless until DS was around 16mo. To me, the book was about parents lightening up and being sure to spend fun time with our kids. I liked the tips on silly games to play that are pretty much guaranteed to make any small child giggle.

But it's not about a score card on numbers of giggles per day. For me, I'm happy to have some times when DS and I giggle together. It's certainly not 300 times per day (colds and teeth don't make anybody feel much like giggling, and we're in winter no. 2, so it's pretty much constant at the mo).

The other thing that's coming across to me from your posts is that your DS really values your attention. This is ok. Do your best to give him the attention he craves (hard right now, I'll bet!), and get your DH to take the baby for a couple of times a week so that you and DS can have half an hour to yourselves to just play.

IsItMeOr · 09/03/2011 13:12

PS Have you also read How to Talk so Kids Listen...? I found that sat really well alongside the Playful Parenting book, and has a very interesting section on avoiding labelling your children (which it sounds like your MIL has given you a practical demonstration of why it's unhelpful to do so ).

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