Help me find some new discipline techniques please.

[beatie]

My dd is 3 next month. I had a new baby last month. I am so relieved that dd1 is smitten with her new sister and dotes on her that I have failed to acknowledge how she has changed towards me.

I realise this may be partly perception on my part. It's difficult not to see the elder child as bothersome in comparison to a tiny sweet baby who only needs to be fed to be happy.

DD1 and I have now developed a bit of a love/hate relationship and I don't know what to do to get it back on track to love/like/occasionally don't like!

I know that it will be hard until I can get control of her defiance and disobedience towards me. She is usually so good and I only used to have to discipline her (with a Time Out corner)a few times per week. Now it is a few times per day. It's mostly her saying "NO!" whenever I ask her to do something, and she looks at me as if to say "make me" as I sit unable to do anything with the baby latched onto me.

Time Out is having no long term effect. What else can I do? Something that is more visible and perhaps has longer term consequences... like no TV, take away a toy, putting things into a jar and removing them for good and bad behaviour which could accumulate into a treat/reward, sticker chart??? Which of these are appropriate for a child of 35 months old? How do I implement them and retain consistency?

I feel like the TO is not working because she uses it now to get my attention.

Can anyone help?

search for the Pasta Jar threads

I'm going through a similar thing at the moment. DD2 is 7 months old and DD1 is 2.5 yrs old. DD1 is starting to do exactly the same, she's also very clingy with me and won't go to her daddy which is very hurtful for him. Your DDI does sound like she is being affected by your new baby and perhaps she is being so defiant because she wants to receive the same kind of attention that the baby is getting. I know my DD1 wants to be carried and cuddled etc. and perhaps yours is the same. Perhaps she doesn't want to be the big sister at the moment and maybe she doesn't want the responsibility of having to do things etc for a while. I've decided to give my DD1 a rest from having any responsibility and really treat her like a young little girl (which is what she is). For me, i think its easy to forget they're all just babies, some are just older and more able than others. One thing my DD1 likes to do (which I ask her first) is to help me do things, like fill the washing machine, polishing, hoovering, making the beds etc. It obviously takes longer but my DD1 feels that she is doing something with mummy that the baby can't do, without having the added responsibility.

Hope all this makes sense

i like the taking away toys idea. but it only works if they have a set number of toys to start with... ie, she won't care if she still has a whole room full

what you need to do is get her to choose say 10 toys that she really likes... put ALL the others away and she just has those 10. then each time she is naughty you warn her that she will lose a toy. if she is still naughty one gets removed.
if she is good she gets to choose one back again.

Agree with Babyblue....if DD is using TO to get attention, she probably needs some attention. No idea how to manage that with a new baby, but hopefully someone else will!

In addition, I found the first 3 months very hard (and I have a good baby), I concentrated very hard in getting DD2 into a routine so that we'd all benefit. The 4th and 5th months were fine, but we've struggled a little for the 6 month (due to DD2 starting to become mobile). I'm afraid in this situation I disagree with taking away toys. A new baby in the family is traumatic enough for DD1 without having things she likes taken away from her. As hard as it is at times (when DD1 is being quite mean etc), love and interaction is what she needs. Whenever a baby cries or whatever it does it is rewarded with being picked up and loved, its toys are not taken away and it is not reprimanded. I'm not saying that in other circumstances the toy thing isn't the right thing to do, just not in this particular circumstance. I'm sure many may disagree, but i'm in/have been in a similar situation at the moment, and it has worked for me.

Yep, again agree with BB!

These Supernanny techniques (OK, I know we did them before we ever heard of her, but it's a convenient label) can work, but sometimes a change in your attitude is really what's needed. As you say, it's difficult to relate in the same way to your toddler after the baby is born.

Some things that I have found useful with mine are:

Try not to say "No". Rather say what you want the child to do. It can be tricky to get the hang of, eg "Keep the spoon on the table" rather than "Don't throw your spoon", or "Make sure you can see me" rather than "Don't go too far".

If you're in a troubled patch, try not to give her the opportunity to defy you. OK, she's always been good at taking her coat off when you come back home, and it would be so helpful right now if she would just do it as you know she can, but if you just take her coat off and put it away without making an issue of it, then she doesn't have an opportunity to defy you. I don't mean to make a doormat of yourself, but simply to remove unnecessary stresses. Soon enough she will get back into the habit of doing things again, and she will want to do them, which she never will if forced. Of course, when she does do something, be really pleased with her!

When you praise her praise the deed not the person "Oh excellent! You put it away so neatly, thank you!"

Give her attention when she doesn't have to share you, but also when the baby is around.

TBH its really not that surprising with a new baby on the scene. I think that part of the solution is only going to be time and seeing this phase out. DS was exactly the same and although he adored DD (still does 17 months later) he took his insecurities out on me. It did gradually settle down. Thats not to say that you shouldn't be trying out discipline strategies to manage the situation.

ther was a fab article int he times abotu htis ive linked to before

My five-year-old is a happy and well-behaved child who seems to love his four-month-old sister. We have tried to make sure that he gets his share of the love and attention and he enjoys helping to care for her, fetching nappies and helping at bathtime. But when he thinks that no one is looking he sometimes hurts her and twice I have found her with a pillow and then a duvet over her face. We reacted angrily, then calmly explained how dangerous his actions were. We have asked why he has done this, but he just says that he doesn?t know. I realise that jealousy is not unusual in a child of his age when a baby arrives, but I am worried. I will make sure that he is not left alone with her, but do you have any suggestions about how best to deal with this?

Judith, 25

What you describe is very common: your son is showing an adjustment reaction to his new sibling and this is normal. I remember my daughter Lily asking me when new baby brother Jack was going to back to the shop, thank you very much. She was horrified when I explained that he was here to stay; a new baby that wasn?t a sister but a brother ? it was all too much.

It is important to give an older sibling time to get over the shock of the new baby and also to come to terms with the realisation that they are no longer the sole focus of attention. In the early days there will be moments when the older child acts up. This should be tolerated and managed calmly but assertively because this really is an emotional time for your eldest.
However, there does come a point when all older children need to be shown that enough is enough and that their aggressive or impulsive behaviour won?t be tolerated. I think you are at that stage.

It is hard to get tough as we, as parents, tend to feel rather sorry for the eldest and worry that we?ve let them down by bringing another on board. However, if we don?t help them to learn appropriate behaviour around their new sibling it could, if left, become more difficult to manage at a later date.

First, I want to say that you must not read too much into the behaviour ? the duvet and pillow do not signify psychopathic tendencies but merely an over exuberance in a child who is still developing concepts of safety. Of course it is not right and must not happen so at the time you need to impose a clear boundary with a firm ?NO!? If the behaviour continues, put him in his room for a few minutes, and this will help him to get the message.

After he?s come out of his room, explain exactly why he went in and how he must not do that to his baby sister again ? but don?t over-explain, because he is unlikely to understand the subtle nuances that you would be trying to convey.

Certainly, there is no point in asking him why he is doing what he does because it is impulsive over-exuberant behaviour that, at 5, he can?t process or explain (and if you are asking this question because you are looking to see if he confesses some problem with his sister then that won?t happen).

Instead, you might inadvertently give him so much attention in these discussions that you reinforce the behaviour and he continues to do it because he knows it has such a powerful impact on you and gets him a lot of attention (and gets you away from the baby). So, a clear ?NO?, a clear consequence and a clear but brief explanation and then move on with the day with it all forgotten (unless it happens again, that is).

You could also be more creative in handling this: make sure you praise every positive interaction ? because he is 5, I?d suggest a star on his sticker chart for lovely-big-brother behaviour. This is an effective way of shaping a child?s behaviour and it reminds you to really praise his loveliness.

Set up special playtimes with him and the baby with you observing his play with her and giving a positive running commentary of all he does but trying not to correct him or become overly anxious if things get a little vigorous. At those times gently remind him to ?be soft? and show him gentle ways of playing. Also, make sure that you make plenty of time for just the two of you, so he still has special time alone with mummy.

This is just a phase and it does not mean that your child has any nasty personality streak ? he?s just cross with you for having another baby.

He?ll get over it.