Behaviour problems in a nearly 4yr old

[GeordieBird1972]

Hi all

I'm quite new to this, I posted my first message a few weeks ago relating to my DD (who is 4 in April) regarding eating problems and thank you to everyone who replied.

Well I'm back as I've had the day from HELL!! When I say day I think it's probably an accumalation of stress levels rising over the last few weeks and today just tipped my over the edge.

I just want to give a bit of background if that's ok. I had to go back to work FT when DD was 6 months old. Unfortunately my husband had to close his company and went into liquidation so I had no choice!! I found a really good nursery which she loved. I have always made sure that weekends were completely devoted to her and have made sure we have spent LOADS of quality time together seeing as we spent so little time together during the week. We have always been very close even to the detriment of my husband where we went through a stage where all she wanted was Mummy.

As she has grown older she has demonstrated LOADS of self confidence and independence which I love but both I and the nursery have been hot on politeness so from an early age she understood please, thank-you, excuse me etc etc. Both our extended families live quite far away so although we see them as much as we can the majority of the time it was just either the 3 of us or 4 when my step son was visiting (who by the way is 11 and she utterly adores)

I had my little boy on Christmas Day last year and we knew she was going to find it difficult, even to the point where I knew I wouldn't be able to breast feed for long due to the time it would take and the fact she may get jealous.

Obviously Christmas Day was very wierd for all of us, me being in the delivery suite when I should have been cooking the turkey, for DD all the excitement of Father Christmas then seeing Mummy going to hospital to collect the new baby. We did all the normal things, present from the new baby, I made sure I wasnt holding him when she arrived in the ward to come to collect us, she even had the deciding vote on his name!! We had some heart wrenching moments when we first came home when she found it difficult to accept I couldnt be there when she shouted for me, or when DS first went into the pram and she collapsed onto the floor sobbing claiming it was hers!!

DD is now at home with me 2 days a week, attending pre-school 3 full days. I know she loves it and has loads of friends but she has started to tell me that no-one will play with her and she hates it. When she is at home with me I make a real effort to do some fun things, I thought this was more for me as I'll be back at work in July and she starts school in Sept so thought this was the last real opportunity to spend some quality time together. I dont think I have baked, painted,danced, sang, seen saw many animals at the zoo, had so many trips to the park etc etc in my life!!

I've read Dr Christopher Green's Taming Toddler book and understand that all children crave attention, even if it is negative so have made a point of giving her loads of A Grade time, devoted solely to her, to the detriment sometimes of spending time with my baby boy but still it's not good enough. Over the last few weeks her bahaviour and attitude can only be described as "teenager"!! Today was the last straw and had me in absolute melt down, my poor husband must think I'm a nutter but I was at absolute breaking point. I think what really hurts is that I have devoted so much time to her to make sure she still feels loved and doesnt feel like she is being neglected but she seem completely ungrateful for everything I do. She has become so defiant, I ask her to do something and she completely ignores me, I ask her 3 more times, she still ignores me. I will then give her 3 more chances or there is no more TV/chocolate/treats etc ...... she still defies me and most times will look at me like I'm an idiot!! Even when I take away any luxuries as punishment she is flippant and accepts the consequences until an hour later when she is lying on the floor having a tantrum becasue I have said no to TV/chocolate/treats etc. Even though I dont give in and have tried doing more positive activities with her she still plays up.

I'm at the end of my tether and was so worried today I thought I had PND as I just cant cope with her moods/tantrums and behaviour. I feel I have created a monster. I love her so much. Tonight when I put her to bed we had our usual 2 stories cuddling up in bed and she held me so tight and said "sorry Mummy, I promise to be good tomorrow" the problem is she has told me that every night for the last 2 weeks. I feel like I am failing her, me and the rest of the family as I'm usually strong, organised and self-assured. I'm starting to look forward to the days when she is at pre-school just for a break which makes me feel even worse as I feel an absolute failure as a Mum.

My DS who is now 2 months old is nearly sleeping though the night which is FAB!! but DD is getting up 5/6/7 times a night with various ailments, sore fingers, duvet falling off bed....... My sleepless nights are not caused by a crying baby but a demanding pre-schooler!! My husband helps out so much with night times and daily chores so I can't even blame exhastion for my "breakdown" today!!

I know this has been a bit of a long message but I think writing it down may have helped get some of the stress off my chest.

I wish I could get Super Nanny for a few days as I don't know what else to do. I've ran out of ideas, star charts, marbel pots and the carpet on the naughty step is wearing out!! and I feel like a rubbish Mum and wife!!

Cx

I just wanted to offer my sympathy for your situation. You sound fed up and tired and I'm not surprised with a young baby and a toddler. It's exhausting at the best of times.

My DS is 4 and DD is 1 and I was worried about jelously on his part when she came along. He is demanding and a PITA sometimes too. He is more clingy to my DH than me which makes it a little easier (for me). Also he was at school 4 days a week (a year earlier here) while I was on maternity leave so I could spend my days with DD and be there to pick him up from school. I admit that I did dread worry about the day when I had both of them as I knew it would be hard work.

I did have some PND and both DD and DS had to deal with their lot in life which was that neither could have all my attention. Unfortunately for my DS and your DD they will have to deal with the change in their world and live with it. You can't give your DD 100% of your attention but you can tell her that you still love her as I am sure you have many times! Part of her behaviour is that she is only 4 and probably feeling a little insecure. My DS thrives on routine which I think makes him feel secure so maybe something like that will help?

DS was used to ruling the roost as it were, but we have tried to be a bit more tough with him. E.g. making him walk when usually DH would carry him. Telling him 'no he can't have a toy' when we go to a shop. We have found that being stronger with him actually makes him behave better. There are usually some tears but if we ignore him for a bit he is ok and it doesn't happen as badly the next time.

Also...

1. you are not a crap mum. you sound like a great mum doing loads for your DD.
   and 2) do not feel guilty about sending DD to nursery/school and getting a break.

Best of luck.

Here's the thing, I have a DD 4yrs and no younger sibling and this behavior is occuring especially the nightime getting up and telling me about a scratch on the knee which has been there about a month! Apparently this is normal for a 4 yr old and I have just re-implemented a reward chart which although doesn't work everyday, does work somedays.The chart I have bought allows me to set the tasks so I have written. Staying in bed, listening to mommy, manners, etc etc at the end of the week I give a prize for x amount of stickers and a small prize everyday for x amount of stickers which keeps it fresh in her mind. None of this is your fault,its development, stay strong. Is your dh helping much? Maybe a bit of daddy time and him doing bedtime would make her feel happier and stop you from commiting murder or getting commited lol

Sounds like its the norm then!My gorgeous four year old daughter morphed into a teenager over night and like you Im wondering what Ive done wrong.She slept through from two weeks-not any more,everything I say or do is wrong and she bursts into tears when things dont go her way or you tell her off.At bedtime she slings her arms round me and says "sorry for being silly today mummy" I just dont want to know after a day of hell! Think we should all remember occasionally its not just us managing on our own like it feels it is but mums of four yr olds everywhere!

Thank you everyone for your replies, I did read them first thing this morning but haven't had time to reply. Today has been a better day, not sure if it's because I was on my own with DD and DS and not feeling like I was in a whirlwind with everyone being in the house. I also got a good nights sleep, 10 week old DS slept for 7hrs from dream feed and hubby got up this morning with DD so managed a lie-in until 8.30am woohoo!!

Reading your replies DD seems completely normal and although frustrating I have to just deal with it the best I can and try to pre-empt the confrontations. I decided today to try and not expect anything so when she actually listened to me it felt good. We did have meltdown at tea tonight when she refused to eat and then went into the cupboard to get some crisps. When I took them off her and offered fruit/yoghurt/toast we had the complete drama queen act and "It's not fair" routine, so I took myself off into the living room and ignored her little performance until she got bored and asked if she could have 2 yoghurts....... she always have to go one step further!!

So today I haven't been committed to a mental asylum which is my first achievement. Tomorrow it is just me and DS so can't wait to lie in bed and cuddle watching Jeremy Kyle (he loves it honestly!!).

I think the hardest thing is that all my friends who have similar aged children don't seem to have any problems at all. When we meet up it is always my DD who is throwing the tantrums, running off from me, challenging everything I ask or demanding her own way..... hence why I feel like a crap Mum as my yardstick are dream children who do everything they are told. As I said and please don't get me wrong, I love the fact she is strong and independent and forthright..... I just wish I could help her channel all her negative energy into a more positive approach. Hopefully one day!!

I'm so pleased I'm not the only one out there but I wouldnt wish this on anyone. It can be so demoralising for an adult to be reduced to tears and a nervous wreck by a 4yr old child!!

do you think that some of her behaviour could be her pushing boundaries to see how much you will give her?

it seems from your OP, and I may have got the wrong end of the stick, that you have possibly gone overboard with doing lovely things for her/with her. I guess in old-fashioned terms I would be asking you... is she spoilt? that seems a bit too strong a word for it though, and you've clearly done everything because you love her immensely but a few things struck me in your initial post:

"We have always been very close even to the detriment of my husband "

"knew I wouldn't be able to breast feed for long due to the time it would take and the fact she may get jealous."

"she even had the deciding vote on his name"

it sounds like SHE comes first above everyone else, and that isn't good for her or for the rest of the family.
she needs to know where her place in the family is, and that shouldn't be way up there above everyone else... you shouldn't be going out of your way to make every single day special and lovely and the best it can possibly be, because life simply isn't like that! she needs to learn that sometimes other people come first and when the baby needs feeding then that's just the way it is!

in terms of the not doing what she is asked etc etc that is TOTALLY normal and they never eventually grow out of it (i hope)

i am not a huge fan of rewards/punishments. I go more for modelling good behaviour, pointing out the good natural consequences of doing things, and basically just expecting my children to do things because they just have to. By this I mean, I will not reward them for eating their dinner. you get dinner, you eat it. you don't eat it, you go hungry.

I think I would jsut start being really matter-of-fact with her. "dd you need to get your shoes on" if she ignores you then "shoes DD", if she still ignores "dd you need your shoes on outside, would you like me to help?"
if she carries on ignoring you then get everyone else ready, inform her you're about to leave the house and tell her you'll be waiting for her outside...

thisisyesterday I do that with DS and lo and behold he does get in the car when I've put DD in there and said we are going (after asking him several times to get in the car).

Glad you had a better day OP. DS always asks for 1 extra of whatever is going too. The cheek of them!

I agree with thisisyesterday. When I read the op your concern for dd and to be doing things for dd seemed ott. I thought I was neurotic about my pfb when dd was born but even I didn't curtail bfing on his behalf.

So, I would say, relax. your dd is normal, her jealousy is normal. You don't have to make everything revolve around her.

As for discipline, don't give her six warnings. She is probably just seeing how far she can push you. We use the 123 magic approach. You ask once. If the child doesn't comply, you start counting to three. If they still haven't complied by three, you punish them immediately. Ds gets sent to his room. It works really well. It means no nagging, no shouting and the child knows when you are serious. If she starts fussing about crisps you can tell her to stop or you will start counting. You just have to follow through.