my 3.5 is getting worried about death, advice needed!

[hairymonkey]

my DS1 is 3.5, a lively young lad!! in the last month or so he is talking a lot about killing things, baddies, monsters etc.

I've just let this go mostly, with the occasional "That's not a nice thing to say"
He is now asking all the classics "When you die, you're not dead forever are you Mummy?"
"I'm/you are not going to die"

I'm just trying to be as honest as I can, but finding it hard not to scare him. Also a friend's daughter is very ill and recieving palliative care, so I'm sure he's picked up on this too. Any advice really appreciated.

I have a similar problem with DS (aged 3.11) although there is no one he knows that is seriously ill or dying to prompt his sudden interest. I have told him the truth (or a version I hope will be true) - that everyone dies eventually but I will not die until he is a grown up with children of his own. I have had real sobbing out of him about this, but I cannot lie to him. I cannot and will not tell him that mummy will never die.

I have also told him that dead people live forever in our hearts because we still love them. Bless his heart he said he doesn't want to have children of his own, and when I asked why he said "because they will miss me when I am gone" which shows a startling level of empathy for a 3 year old, I think. He is just very very emotional - everything is sunshine or showers - and I can only help him deal with his own nature as best I can.

He hasn't mentioned it for a few weeks so I hope we are over the worst of it. It is hard, I sympathise.

Went through a really similar thing with my DD1, now 4. She went through a real "gothic" phase at about the same age as your DS. Completely obsessed with death. I was very honest, and am not religeous myself so did tell her that when people die it is forever. I did tell her that everyone dies eventually, but couldn't quite bring myself to talk about children dying, (in our case there seemed no real need). I didn't point blank deny that children sometimes die, just when she would say tearfully "I don't want to die/I don't want Poppy (friend) to die" I would say, "you/Poppy are children, children don't usually die."

She sometimes cried and said she didn't want me to die. I'd just tell her that I'm really healthy and not going to die until I'm really, really old and that she mustn't worry about that. Lots of cuddles and honest reasurance.

My mum died before my she was born, she often quizzed me as to all the details around her death, (how, why, when, were her eyes open/closed, did she still feel poorly after she died, where did she go after she died) I would tell her that she went to the church after she died. Couldn't quite bring myself to talk about cremation! Although she does know about that now.

Although she found the whole thing very sad and I found the whole thing very upsetting; constantly wondering if I was doing the right thing with the whole honesty approach! I now absolutely believe that it was the best thing. Although she felt very upset about the whole thing, I think my honesty reassured her rather than making it the scary unknown for her. I think her obsession was probably sparked by a family berievement when she was 2.5 which she didn't really remember but effected the whole family in a big way.

Now she doesn't talk about death much at all, but seems to have a good understanding of what it's all about, which I think would stand her in good stead if - touch wood - we did loose anyone important to her. At least she wouldn't have to get her head round the whole concept, just the grief.

Appologies for the mamoth post btw!!!

I'm back with even more to say now! Just read Georgimama's post. That is a good point re the sensitivity and empathy issue. My DD1 is very emotional and empathetic. I worried that this would make her emotionally vulnerable, but at almost 5 now, she seems to be a lot more robust, but still has an amazing capasity to empathise. I think this trait will stand her in good stead for the future, and I think these very emotionally aware children probably require our honestly more than anyone.

Thanks for advice. I knew I couldn't lie to him, and haven't been. I was just unsure as what he was ready to hear.
Just feels a bit sad that he'll lose that bit of innocence that comes with not knowing!!
I was told once that if someone wants to know the truth, they'll ask the question and think this is true of 3 year olds too!
thanks again