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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Really really clingy 4 month old.

13 replies

Sarahlou8 · 04/03/2011 21:31

Hi,

My four month old DD only has eyes for four people, me, DH, and her 2 siblings.

Anyone else who even attempts to smile at her, let alone pick her up, is met very quickly with a bottom lip and seconds later she's howling.

At first I wasn't too worried but she even does it with grandparents now, definitely getting worse.
What's the best thing to do? Let people hold her until she cries then take her back straight away, or leave her crying in their arms so she gets used to people?

I'm not back at work for another 6 months but thought this type of clinginess came around 8months so goodness knows what she'll be like then.

Can anyone help?

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EBDteacher · 04/03/2011 21:54

I really don't know the answer to this. My neice (DC1) was very much like this- not even really happy with he dad at one point- only mum would do. My sister went with it and kept her close most of the time.

I think that has helped my neice and although still a worrier (at 6yo) she is balanced and secure. I think if my sister had pushed her to go to other people she might have become insecure. We have nothing to measure that against though because obviously we can't go back and do it a different way!

aPixieMomma · 04/03/2011 23:28

At 4 months old I wouldn't say she is clingy. She is just becoming aware of her surroundings and new faces etc. She might just be getting overwhelmed. Crying is her only way of communicating that.

Just keep her close to you as EBD says, and as she gets older she will become more curious and confident and want to be looking at anyone but you.

jasmin27 · 05/03/2011 10:32

I don't have the answer but I'm in the same situation. My almost 5 month DD is the same, only likes to be held by myself or DH. She is ok for about a couple of minutes or so but then will scream and cry likes she is is pain if picked up by other relatives including grandparents. I don't know what to do either. To make things MIL will not hand her back to me or DH but will carry her around making her even more distressed.

We have a big extended family and always have family gatherings. Going to one later today and I'm dreading it.

Sorry no advice just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Weissbier · 05/03/2011 13:42

We had this - DD would scream even with DH unless he was taking her for a walk in the sling. She got much better at 6 months. We went with it (DH went on a lot of walks...), didn't force her to be held by people she didn't want to be held by. The lady we eventually found to look after her is a retired nursery nurse and did a really careful settling-in - for the first week, she didn't even pick her up, and I think the whole settling-in period lasted for at least four weeks. Now DD (7 months) grins when she sees her, is absolutely fine, and much happier with other people too. She won't go to everyone but if she is frightened we take her back. Did get a few comments about spoiling her from MIL et al. but DD's nanny told me to ignore them and not frighten her. It is tiring for the mum but I agree with EBD and aPixie, in our experience anyway...

sam12 · 05/03/2011 14:06

I too can't offer you advice but dd at 5mo is exactly the same. If there are a lot of people she gets hysterical.
She is getting better with my dad who doesn't pick her up but will talk to her and sit near her to play. But is terrible with pils who swoop in and pick her up and Same aa jasmin don't hand her back but try to settle her themselves making things worse.
When someone is holding her and she starts to get upset we try to talk to her and reassure her
we are still there it does work sometimes but we
usually end up taking her back before she gets really worked up.
I am getting worried as have to return to work in a few months so hoping someone will come along with some answers

petisa · 05/03/2011 16:15

This is normal for a 4-5 month old. Just hold them as much as possible and don't stress them out by making them cry in another person's arms. They can change so quickly - my dd2 (6 months) was like this only a few weeks ago but has now decided she loves everybody. Don't think you're going to have months of it, it tends to come and go. Dd1 made strange with people on and off too, but not for long, and at 8 months she was too busy crawling and playing with toys to care where I was. They're all different, just cuddle your baby as much as possible when they need it and then they'll feel more secure about exploring the big wide world.

petisa · 05/03/2011 16:20

Certainly don't feel you're storing up trouble for the future or anything like that by holding them all the time when they want it. Six months is a very very long time in terms of a baby's development. The more you cuddle and reassure them when they need it, the more secure they feel, and the easier they'll find it to explore other people and toys. The more you push them away, the more they cling to you. Once they start crawling and then walking, they'll be too busy creating havoc to cling to you and you'll have a whole new set of problems!

exoticfruits · 05/03/2011 16:21

This is normal behaviour. To start with they go to anyone, but then they differentiate. You just help them feel secure and they start to be more outgoing.

MoJangles · 05/03/2011 20:06

Glad to read this is normal! My 4 mo DS is only really happy with me, he'll smile and coo for others if I'm there but if they hold him he spends most of the time craning a worried face aroubd to see me before crying. Even DH gets short shrift. I'm dealing with it by holding him facibg people to chat to them, and sitting with family who want to play with him so we're all together, and he's gradually getting better. Good luck OP!

trikster · 05/03/2011 20:25

My DS was similar and it started when he was 4 months. The behaviour got better gradually. By age 3 it had totally disappeared and now at age 6 he's quite a confident person.

I was adviced by a psychologist not to force my DS but to make him feel secure by giving him lots of hugs and build trust. She called it stranger anxiety. It was a testing time for me though. Settling him into a nursery was the worst, even though the nursey allowed a whole month of settling in period. I refused to leave him there screeming.

My sister, who grew up in a large extended family was similar, in that she was only happy with family members living in the same house. She's a very confident adult now.

Original poster

Sarahlou8 · 06/03/2011 21:41

Some lovely advice, thank you all. Sorry to those of you with the same problem although it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone and it's not unusual.

My problem with MIL is she is quite loud and it's upsetting that DD just hasn't taken to her. (upsetting to me, that is - MIL thinks its funny )

I'm just going to keep her close and not force the issue. I've noticed that she observes people very closely when I am holding her so she's obviously taking everything in. As others have said, hope she gets a bit better when she's on the move and has other things to think about!

OP posts:

Octaviapink · 07/03/2011 13:18

Yes, definitely don't force the issue! Your baby now knows who you are and that you look after her - she will need time to get used to the idea that other people can take care of her too. It's a totally normal developmental stage - there's nothing you can do to change it and a lack of cuddles and reassurance now might result in massive stranger anxiety later. Babies generally know what they need, so go with it.

petisa · 07/03/2011 13:45

I understand OP I have some very loud cousins! When my dd1 who was 2.6 years at the time, was shouted at greeted v loudly and enthusiastically by one of my lovely cousins she actually stumbled out the door backwards and cried to go home!

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